So, what it is. An un-friends-locked post.
I could make this long and drawn out, but I'm going to just lay down the facts as I know/remember them. This is not locked, because hell, Jessica isn't on my friends list, and since she won’t talk to me, look at me, or answer my emails, she can read it here.
If you know me for real, don't use this to start shit, please. I'm just stating what's been happening for those of you who don't know and clarifying my points for those of you who do.
On Tuesday night was the choir concert. Madrigals go out and sing first. This was Michael's first time singing with Madrigals "for real" costumed and everything, as far as I know. We're all in the green room and right before he goes onstage I fix his cape, kiss him on the cheek, say "Good luck, don't fuck it up", and shove him towards the door. He walks away and his cape falls back out of place. He looks at me and says something along the lines of "I messed it up already!" and I just did a dramatic sigh. In the pre-show thrill I totally wasn't thinking of the consequences of the whole thing. I was totally exhilarated and ready to go. I guess there really is a reason why you're always supposed to think before you act.
All's well, for about five minutes. Didi & company come up to me and tell me that Jessica's really fucking pissed about the whole thing. They all came from the Piano Lab (girls dressing room) so I go in there to find Jessica and set things straight. Lizz follows me in, and I don't say anything because Lizz is always there and I barely even notice it. We have a brief verbal tussle, and then Jessica asks to talk without interruption for the next one-and-a-half minutes. We let her and she talks about how I'm always overstepping my bounds with Michael, but she'd never want us to not be friends and stuff. Alright, I give her that. I'm so used to him that I don't even think about my actions when I'm around him anymore. I said that to her and I really don't remember her response. I asked why she never came to me to tell me these things and I never got an answer.
We had to go out into the green room for some reason and we never finished the conversation. Throughout the night small groups of people keep coming up to me and asking me what happened and if I knew Jessica was pissed. Of COURSE I knew she was pissed. When she's pissed, everyone knows. Anyway, about 45 minutes after the incident, Teresa comes up to me and says we need to talk. We go in the Lab and she says the same things everyone else has been saying. She also wonders why the same people who think me and Lizz are dating now assume that I'm trying to steal Michael away from Jessica.
Kate opens the door and peeks in and I ask her (rudely, I freely admit) to leave us alone. Lizz does the same thing and so do I.
Then I have a breakdown. Right there in front of Teresa. It's all too much, and I'm so frustrated by everything, that I just melt.
I'm sobbing in the middle of the Piano Lab. Pathetic. I ask Teresa to leave, and go get me Lizz, please. She does, and me and Lizz sit in the Lab for a few minutes while I calm down. I walk back out and most of Mystics is around Jessica and Michael. I would want to sit with them, because of the other girls, but I want to give Jessica and Michael their space. At this point, I'm really trying to avoid them breaking up. As much as I don't say it, I'd hate for them to break up, because I know it'd lead back to me. That, and it'd make Michael upset, and I don't want that.
I hang around in the room for a while until Lizz and I have to do our solo. I fuck it up royally, and all is well as usual in the world of choir.
Mystics go on; I miss my cue for the solo Nilsen gave to me that afternoon. Jessica covers for me. When we were talking about it the next day, I thanked her publicly for it, because I really did appreciate it. In our next number, I did really well, I think, but Jessica's hat fell off and you could barely hear the side groups. Sigh. Choir, as usual.
After the show, I have to hang around for a while and clean up all the decorations and stuff. I asked Michael to help out by helping/showing everyone where to put the benches and fences away. He didn't seem to hate my very existence then, but I could be wrong. I never was any good at reading people.
Anthony takes me home and I fall right asleep.
Skip forward some hours and there we are after school. Jessica and Lizz come down the stairs fighting and I get pissed that I'm never part of their arguments. I hate that I always get second-day's news; never get to see exactly what happens for myself. I start yelling, they start yelling. Yelling abounds. I had though that Jessica had started this fight, but it was actually Lizz. I run off to catch my bus, leaving them to it.
[The next bit is all little snippets I've gathered. I wasn't there, so I don't know exactly what happened.]
I hear later that Jessica got up in Lizz's face. Jessica said something along the lines of "You and Michael aren't even friends" and Lizz said either "I'm his best friend" or "He's my best friend" and pushed Jessica out of her face. There was a brief pushing match until Kate got in-between them and told Jessica to walk away. Lizz grabbed her by the face (Jessica, not Kate) and said if Jessica ever touched Lizz again Lizz would knock her out.
I hear most of the last bit from Lizz, so it may be a little biased. That night, Lizz calls me and I yell at her because I hate that nobody lets me fight my own fights, and I hate the situation I got everyone into.
I decide that I'm not going to talk to Michael or Jessica for a while. Lizz thinks that me and her should do the same. I'm about to cry again, because I already assume that in the instance of me and Michael, "for a while" probably means "forever" because they're probably so mad at me. I'm thinking the same about me and Lizz and it's horrible. I start frantically explaining how I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at the situation, and if she ditches me now, I'll probably hate myself forever. We both calm down and things clear up a little.
Now I hear that Michael hates my guts. Jessica wants me dead, thinks I've been overstepping my bounds since they got together, and thinks that I want nothing more than to see them break up. Funny how nobody ever tells me anything. Rachel and I got in a fight because of Lizz, which I don't think is fair. She is a whole separate person, you know. I didn't tell her to start a fight with Jessica, and I sure as hell didn't tell her to get physical. I know that was going too far, and I've said that to Lizz many times.
In summary:
-Michael, Jessica, a few of my friends, and most of the choir hate me.
-Everyone thinks Lizz as a homicidal lunatic.
-I've decided to never, EVER touch another human being for as long as I live.
-Gossip is bad.
-I had hope that after a long enough time, Michael and I could be friends again, but after I heard that he hates my guts, I doubt it.
-Jessica really needed to do something herself, though, because I sent her that huge email at the end of August spilling my heart out and explaining everything that'd happened. She never answered/called me/acknowledged my existence
-I'm worried that I actually did kiss Michael on the lips like everyone assumes. I really, really didn't mean to, because no matter how touchy-feely I am, I don't go around trading saliva with people I'm not dating. Except maybe Lizz.
-I wish I could ask Michael, but I'm almost afraid to.
Though I doubt it, Michael, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You don't have to forgive me, because you probably won’t want to, but just know that I'm so sorry I fucked everything up so badly. If you didn't like the way I was acting around you, why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you ask Jessica to say something to me?
Well, it is what it is. I'm getting over it, though sometimes I almost slip up and say something to them. As far as I know, there's nothing left to say. If Michael and I ever talk again, that will be enough for me. I can ignore all the gossip hounds, but it's awfully hard to ignore someone you loved.
If you know me for real, don't use this to start shit, please. I'm just stating what's been happening for those of you who don't know and clarifying my points for those of you who do.
On Tuesday night was the choir concert. Madrigals go out and sing first. This was Michael's first time singing with Madrigals "for real" costumed and everything, as far as I know. We're all in the green room and right before he goes onstage I fix his cape, kiss him on the cheek, say "Good luck, don't fuck it up", and shove him towards the door. He walks away and his cape falls back out of place. He looks at me and says something along the lines of "I messed it up already!" and I just did a dramatic sigh. In the pre-show thrill I totally wasn't thinking of the consequences of the whole thing. I was totally exhilarated and ready to go. I guess there really is a reason why you're always supposed to think before you act.
All's well, for about five minutes. Didi & company come up to me and tell me that Jessica's really fucking pissed about the whole thing. They all came from the Piano Lab (girls dressing room) so I go in there to find Jessica and set things straight. Lizz follows me in, and I don't say anything because Lizz is always there and I barely even notice it. We have a brief verbal tussle, and then Jessica asks to talk without interruption for the next one-and-a-half minutes. We let her and she talks about how I'm always overstepping my bounds with Michael, but she'd never want us to not be friends and stuff. Alright, I give her that. I'm so used to him that I don't even think about my actions when I'm around him anymore. I said that to her and I really don't remember her response. I asked why she never came to me to tell me these things and I never got an answer.
We had to go out into the green room for some reason and we never finished the conversation. Throughout the night small groups of people keep coming up to me and asking me what happened and if I knew Jessica was pissed. Of COURSE I knew she was pissed. When she's pissed, everyone knows. Anyway, about 45 minutes after the incident, Teresa comes up to me and says we need to talk. We go in the Lab and she says the same things everyone else has been saying. She also wonders why the same people who think me and Lizz are dating now assume that I'm trying to steal Michael away from Jessica.
Kate opens the door and peeks in and I ask her (rudely, I freely admit) to leave us alone. Lizz does the same thing and so do I.
Then I have a breakdown. Right there in front of Teresa. It's all too much, and I'm so frustrated by everything, that I just melt.
I'm sobbing in the middle of the Piano Lab. Pathetic. I ask Teresa to leave, and go get me Lizz, please. She does, and me and Lizz sit in the Lab for a few minutes while I calm down. I walk back out and most of Mystics is around Jessica and Michael. I would want to sit with them, because of the other girls, but I want to give Jessica and Michael their space. At this point, I'm really trying to avoid them breaking up. As much as I don't say it, I'd hate for them to break up, because I know it'd lead back to me. That, and it'd make Michael upset, and I don't want that.
I hang around in the room for a while until Lizz and I have to do our solo. I fuck it up royally, and all is well as usual in the world of choir.
Mystics go on; I miss my cue for the solo Nilsen gave to me that afternoon. Jessica covers for me. When we were talking about it the next day, I thanked her publicly for it, because I really did appreciate it. In our next number, I did really well, I think, but Jessica's hat fell off and you could barely hear the side groups. Sigh. Choir, as usual.
After the show, I have to hang around for a while and clean up all the decorations and stuff. I asked Michael to help out by helping/showing everyone where to put the benches and fences away. He didn't seem to hate my very existence then, but I could be wrong. I never was any good at reading people.
Anthony takes me home and I fall right asleep.
Skip forward some hours and there we are after school. Jessica and Lizz come down the stairs fighting and I get pissed that I'm never part of their arguments. I hate that I always get second-day's news; never get to see exactly what happens for myself. I start yelling, they start yelling. Yelling abounds. I had though that Jessica had started this fight, but it was actually Lizz. I run off to catch my bus, leaving them to it.
[The next bit is all little snippets I've gathered. I wasn't there, so I don't know exactly what happened.]
I hear later that Jessica got up in Lizz's face. Jessica said something along the lines of "You and Michael aren't even friends" and Lizz said either "I'm his best friend" or "He's my best friend" and pushed Jessica out of her face. There was a brief pushing match until Kate got in-between them and told Jessica to walk away. Lizz grabbed her by the face (Jessica, not Kate) and said if Jessica ever touched Lizz again Lizz would knock her out.
I hear most of the last bit from Lizz, so it may be a little biased. That night, Lizz calls me and I yell at her because I hate that nobody lets me fight my own fights, and I hate the situation I got everyone into.
I decide that I'm not going to talk to Michael or Jessica for a while. Lizz thinks that me and her should do the same. I'm about to cry again, because I already assume that in the instance of me and Michael, "for a while" probably means "forever" because they're probably so mad at me. I'm thinking the same about me and Lizz and it's horrible. I start frantically explaining how I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at the situation, and if she ditches me now, I'll probably hate myself forever. We both calm down and things clear up a little.
Now I hear that Michael hates my guts. Jessica wants me dead, thinks I've been overstepping my bounds since they got together, and thinks that I want nothing more than to see them break up. Funny how nobody ever tells me anything. Rachel and I got in a fight because of Lizz, which I don't think is fair. She is a whole separate person, you know. I didn't tell her to start a fight with Jessica, and I sure as hell didn't tell her to get physical. I know that was going too far, and I've said that to Lizz many times.
In summary:
-Michael, Jessica, a few of my friends, and most of the choir hate me.
-Everyone thinks Lizz as a homicidal lunatic.
-I've decided to never, EVER touch another human being for as long as I live.
-Gossip is bad.
-I had hope that after a long enough time, Michael and I could be friends again, but after I heard that he hates my guts, I doubt it.
-Jessica really needed to do something herself, though, because I sent her that huge email at the end of August spilling my heart out and explaining everything that'd happened. She never answered/called me/acknowledged my existence
-I'm worried that I actually did kiss Michael on the lips like everyone assumes. I really, really didn't mean to, because no matter how touchy-feely I am, I don't go around trading saliva with people I'm not dating. Except maybe Lizz.
-I wish I could ask Michael, but I'm almost afraid to.
Though I doubt it, Michael, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You don't have to forgive me, because you probably won’t want to, but just know that I'm so sorry I fucked everything up so badly. If you didn't like the way I was acting around you, why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you ask Jessica to say something to me?
Well, it is what it is. I'm getting over it, though sometimes I almost slip up and say something to them. As far as I know, there's nothing left to say. If Michael and I ever talk again, that will be enough for me. I can ignore all the gossip hounds, but it's awfully hard to ignore someone you loved.