Since when do I talk about feelings and thoughts out loud?
I've been, but not been, with Drew for 5 months about. I can be myself around him 100% I don't need to worry about impressing him or what he thinks of me because I know that he doesn't care me because he likes me despite how fucking weird I can get and some days I even think he likes it.
Drew and I went through a little funk where he slept with another girl [he didnt even know her name] so I wrote a hateful message on his stomach, with a sharpie when he was passed out, about being mad at him etcetc. But in a way I think that brought us closer together and made us realize what we meant to eachother. I looked forward to him calling me every night and talking to him for hours, literally, about everything and nothing and now that we havent talked in a few days I can honestly say I miss him.
So, today I see him and he won't even look at me. I get there, he smokes a cigarette and then pays Nate 10$ to take him home. I sneak away upstairs to call him. I want to tell him he's [one of] my favorites, I think about him constantly, and I can truely say I miss him. But instead I choke on my words because tears are in my eyes and theres no way I could let him, or anyone, know I was crying so with that I tell him to get ahold of me on christmas even if we don't talk again before that.
2 years ago I fell into one my biggest crushes that turned into total heartache [worse than he'll ever know.] much time went by and that crush became a friend only to hurt me again by calling me a dirty cunt and that he only did stuff with me again was because he could [he later apologizes but thats beside the point]. I don't know whether to believe in "don't believe people when theyre mad because its just the anger talking" or "believe what people say when they're mad because then the truth comes out."
And now here I am with that guy from 2yrs ago [who I can honestly say appears to have matured a lot in these past 2yrs but there is no way I'm getting my hopes up again or letting me guard down anytime soon] and someone tells Drew I stayed the night with him which leads up to my story from the beginning
Part of me wants to say how can you be so upset when I hinted so many times how I wanted to be with you and only you and if you would've been with me 100% I never would've thought about him again. Then the other part of me understands why Drew and I weren't "official" --we hardly ever got to see eachother-- and I hate Cookiepuss
Drew leaves, I go upstairs to talk to the other guy and I just sit there as he checks his myspace on his phone [I had resent him all the hateful things he said to me in the past and this was his first time rereading them] and I just tear up. "Why am I sitting here with you? Why am I not with drew? You are the one who left me stranded emotionally and physically --Drew has never done anything to hurt me."
Which brings up why I love John so much: 2yrs ago after I was completely heartbroken I had called him [the heartbreaker] because I was in dire need of help on New Year's Eve, and although I give him credit since he later was forward and told me he had decided to get back together with his ex, he was not a good friend. When you're "with" someone you think they care about you and they'd be there for you no matter what. Well, he wasn't but John was.
John has been there for me when I was scared [like that New Year's Eve], he tells me the truth like when I'm being stupid or rude, he listens to me, he notices when I'm sad morely he asks whats wrong, he was the first to tell me Happy Birthday. ::He was there when you weren't::
I don't know what to do. Things were so much easier when it was just Drew and I and no one else was in the picture. I just want to cuddle up in a ball with either Nate or Darby and sleep everything away instead I'm up at 330 BLOGGING when I have to be at the ortho at 815 tmrw morning.
Drew and I went through a little funk where he slept with another girl [he didnt even know her name] so I wrote a hateful message on his stomach, with a sharpie when he was passed out, about being mad at him etcetc. But in a way I think that brought us closer together and made us realize what we meant to eachother. I looked forward to him calling me every night and talking to him for hours, literally, about everything and nothing and now that we havent talked in a few days I can honestly say I miss him.
So, today I see him and he won't even look at me. I get there, he smokes a cigarette and then pays Nate 10$ to take him home. I sneak away upstairs to call him. I want to tell him he's [one of] my favorites, I think about him constantly, and I can truely say I miss him. But instead I choke on my words because tears are in my eyes and theres no way I could let him, or anyone, know I was crying so with that I tell him to get ahold of me on christmas even if we don't talk again before that.
2 years ago I fell into one my biggest crushes that turned into total heartache [worse than he'll ever know.] much time went by and that crush became a friend only to hurt me again by calling me a dirty cunt and that he only did stuff with me again was because he could [he later apologizes but thats beside the point]. I don't know whether to believe in "don't believe people when theyre mad because its just the anger talking" or "believe what people say when they're mad because then the truth comes out."
And now here I am with that guy from 2yrs ago [who I can honestly say appears to have matured a lot in these past 2yrs but there is no way I'm getting my hopes up again or letting me guard down anytime soon] and someone tells Drew I stayed the night with him which leads up to my story from the beginning
Part of me wants to say how can you be so upset when I hinted so many times how I wanted to be with you and only you and if you would've been with me 100% I never would've thought about him again. Then the other part of me understands why Drew and I weren't "official" --we hardly ever got to see eachother-- and I hate Cookiepuss
Drew leaves, I go upstairs to talk to the other guy and I just sit there as he checks his myspace on his phone [I had resent him all the hateful things he said to me in the past and this was his first time rereading them] and I just tear up. "Why am I sitting here with you? Why am I not with drew? You are the one who left me stranded emotionally and physically --Drew has never done anything to hurt me."
Which brings up why I love John so much: 2yrs ago after I was completely heartbroken I had called him [the heartbreaker] because I was in dire need of help on New Year's Eve, and although I give him credit since he later was forward and told me he had decided to get back together with his ex, he was not a good friend. When you're "with" someone you think they care about you and they'd be there for you no matter what. Well, he wasn't but John was.
John has been there for me when I was scared [like that New Year's Eve], he tells me the truth like when I'm being stupid or rude, he listens to me, he notices when I'm sad morely he asks whats wrong, he was the first to tell me Happy Birthday. ::He was there when you weren't::
I don't know what to do. Things were so much easier when it was just Drew and I and no one else was in the picture. I just want to cuddle up in a ball with either Nate or Darby and sleep everything away instead I'm up at 330 BLOGGING when I have to be at the ortho at 815 tmrw morning.