"Untitled"
Once, not long after Grace was born, I was laying in bed, listening to Andrew hum as he rubbed her back, willing her to sleep, when he stopped pacing and asked, “Do you remember Kimber Nash?”
I stared at the wall, trying to decide if I did indeed remember her. I rolled over onto my side as Andrew laid Grace, now sleeping, in her crib and sat down on the bed next to me.
“I think I do, but... I think so. Why?” Andrew shrugged.
“I was thinking about that and I can’t remember her face.”
It wasn’t a big deal, nor was Kimber’s memory but it made me realize something; no matter how much someone means to you at a certain point in time, their existence in your mind, entrenched between formulas and first birthdays, would someday become moot.
We were sitting outside the chorus building waiting for rehearsal to start when Isaac came running up to us, flush faced and sweaty.
“It was John Seagram and Mike Von Heffner,” he said, leaning forward and resting his hands on his knees as he gasped for breath. “I just talked to Laurel and she said that Higgins has them both in his office.”
“What are you... wait, you mean the tree was... are you kidding?” Elissa asked, her mouth slack. “Oh no, Mark,” she said, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. John and Mike were Mark’s best friends. I pulled my cell phone out and texted him.
“Go home and don’t tell Mom about Mike and John. Don’t argue.” I pressed ‘Send’ and waited for a minute before shoving the phone in my bag. I shifted my weight forward and stretched towards my feet, grabbing my arches and pulling my body level with my calves.
“Mom and Dad’ll kill him,” Elissa mumbled, rolling her neck. “I mean, even if he had nothing to do with it. Mom and Dad’ll...”
“What time does rehearsal start?” Julia’s voice rang through the halls. Elissa and Isaac exchanged confused glances.
“Jules?”
“I’m in the cats. What time does rehearsal start?”
“3,” Elissa called back, staring up into the catwalk, looking like she was half expecting to see Julia come flying down.
“Guys, are you hearing me? Mike and John lit the tree, not two Seniors,” Isaac said, crossing his arms. “This wasn’t the Senior prank; this was two Juniors being retarded.”
Words like “retarded” and “wicked” were commonplace in Bostonian lexicon, but that didn’t mean that I used them as freely as others. I winced every time Isaac used the former, just as I did now.
“Isaac...”
“Spare me, Sister Mary Elliott,” he said, rolling his eyes. “If John and Mike are to blame, then what’s still coming?” His eyes glittered with implacable emotion, reconciled somewhere between anticipation and sheer joy as he continued on. “I mean, they’ve been saying for years...”
“This isn’t a joke,” Andrew said suddenly. He was lying on the floor next to me, with his cap over his face, dressed in basketball shorts, a Red Sox t-shirt and jazz shoes. “It’s not funny man, and it’s not going to ever going to be funny, so just let it go.” He sat up and tossed his hat on top of his bag. “It’s about time to grow up, Iz, we’re graduating soon.”
“What the hell is your problem?” Isaac asked, his face waxing disgust.
“Nothing, I just think you’re being childish. We need to be serious, set an example.”
“Dude, you’re being a douche, what’s your deal?
I could see now that the night was only going to drag on. Isaac and Andrew had been at each other’s throats for the last couple of weeks concerning something that no one but the two of them knew about. It bothered me, because Isaac was my best friend and Andrew was my boyfriend and it seemed logical to me that I should be each of their confidant, but that wasn’t the case; as it was, I was the odd man out in a fight that I was sure was about me.
“Drew,” I said softly, placing my hand on his wrist, “let’s go for a walk. Come on.” I tugged him up, grabbing our coats, practically pushing him out of the building as Isaac shouted profanity after us.
The double doors at the back of the performing arts building led to the quad if you went straight, but if you veered left you could walk the perimeter of the school without interruption, which was the path I chose. Tugging my parka on, my bare legs tingling in the chill, I laced my fingers together with Andrew’s and pulled him close.
“Baby, what’s going on?” I asked for what felt like the millionth time. Just as the other times, he shrugged and looked away. “Andrew...”
“He’s just... he’s Isaac, okay? He’s Isaac and he’s perfect and he’s better and it drives me fucking crazy. I’ve been competing with him since we were little and when I finally got the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world, he can’t be happy for me.”
I was right; it was about me.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, my cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment. “Isaac is happy for you, of course he is.” Andrew was already shaking his head no.
“Ellie...”
“Honey, it’s not about Isaac, I know that. I know there’s something else and you not telling me isn’t what bothers me,” I said quickly, pressing a finger to his lips as he began to protest. “I know that there’s something going on in your life right now that isn’t privy to me yet, but in time I’ll know and just the reassurance that someday you’ll tell me is all I need.”
“I’d tell you anything, you know that,” he said, leaning forward and resting his head against mine. “Ellie, I love you.”
It was stupid really, to get emotional over all of this, but I did, feeling the choke of tears a second after they wet my cheeks. Andrew’s face melted.
“Oh, baby, don’t cry, I didn’t... I’m sorry...”
“No, it’s not... God, I sound so stupid. I love you, too,” I fumbled, laughing at my own ridiculousness. “I just hate to see you guys fight, you know? Like, you and Isaac, and you and Lisi, and Julia and the world, it’s a lot to handle. I just wish we could be like we used to.” Andrew sighed and turned to the sun, draping his arm around my shoulder. We walked for a long time in silence, rounding Clement Pond before either one of us spoke again.
“We can’t ever be those kids again, and I know you know that, but it would be nice, wouldn’t it?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the mildewed sun. I nodded, not entirely I actually knew why we couldn’t go back. “Do you remember when we were at Julia’s fifteenth birthday party and Isaac pushed you and Lisi in the pool and you busted your lip open?” he asked, running his thumb over the short scar on my lower lip. I smiled, kissing the pad of his thumb. “I remember we were all happy then, despite all of it...”
I didn’t have anything to say, really, because he hadn’t said anything I could attest to; we really had been happy. The thing was, however, that at least two of us were hiding a secret then. Andrew and I had been reluctant to announce our relationship to the world because of how relentlessly Isaac had been pursuing me for the last ten years. Andrew was always more concerned with what others thought about his friends than himself and he hadn’t wanted Isaac to turn on me.
“We so dramatic,” I said with a smiling, leaning my head against Andrew’s chest. He smiled, and kissed the top of my head, his chin resting on my crown.
“I got into Princeton.”
I wanted to be excited for him, happy and as thrilled as I knew he was, but suddenly it all made sense; I could hardly be happy.
“What?” I asked, sitting up quickly and turning to stare at him. He was avoiding my gaze as I slapped my hands on either side of his face and forced him to look at me. “What?” I asked again.
“I found out this morning, Harrison told me.”
I sat in silence for a long minute, unsure of how to react. “Congratulations,” I managed, snuggling deeper into him, squeezing my eyes shut.
“I won’t go, Elliott, not if you don’t want me to.”
“I want you to,” I said quickly, my mouth tasting like sand. “I... I want you to.”
“Ellie...”
“No, Drew, I really do baby. I really, really do.”
“Now I think you’re just trying to get rid of me,” he teased, but it was pointless. All the happiness in the world was gone and I was just here, on the shore, freezing despite the fact that I was wrapped in my sun.
We got back just in time for rehearsal, not that it could have started without us. I felt like I was in honey, barely moving and barely breathing, but I danced and sang the entire rehearsal at one hundred percent. It was my fallback, my pretend talent. My sister was smart, Julia was a writer, Isaac was a star lacrosse player, Andrew was lead tenor, and I was just that girl who could dance well. It didn’t seem as impressive to me, having a good memory and the ability to contort my body in odd fashions.
When rehearsal was over, I called Mark to see if he had gone home since he hadn’t texted me back. Andrew and Julia were talking to Lawrence about something for next week’s rehearsal and Elissa and Isaac were practicing their tap duet. The phone rang six times before Mark picked up.
“Elle?”
“Mark, are you at home?” I could hear shuffling around and muffled voices before he spoke again.
“Um... yeah.”
“Right, let me talk to Mom.”
“I’m with John.”
Silence.
“Ellie?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“They cleared him and Mike, it’s no big deal!”
“Mark Caleb, you had better get your ass home before Mom finds out and un-son’s you. I’m not even kidding.”
“Elliott, calm down. And don’t call me that, you’re not Dad and it’s obnoxious. You sound like Elissa.”
“Mark...”
“I’m going home, okay, just calm down. I’m hanging up now.”
“Mark!” I screamed, but he’d already hung up. I slammed my phone in my purse and stormed out of the auditorium without another word.
I had almost made it to my car when Andrew caught up with me.
“Elliott, stop,” he said, grabbing my arm. “Don’t blame Mark for this. It’s not his fault, he’s just being Mark. Don’t go home angry.” I didn’t turn around, instead just stood by my car, tears rolling down my face.
I was angry at Mark, angry at Andrew and Isaac, angry at Elissa. I hated them all and I was being melodramatic and I didn’t care. Everything, all of the roiling angst and suppressed emotion was welling up and what happened next would be the start of a long and winding road.
“I hate you,” I whispered, turning to Andrew. He looked at me, confused and shocked. “I hate you for everything you’ve done to me, everything you’ve taken.” I jerked my arm out of his grasp. “I want you to leave me alone and never, ever talk to me again.”
“Elliott,” he breathed, his face pale. I shook my head.
“No, Andrew, I won’t hear it. I can’t do this anymore. I... I need to breathe and just... I can’t do it with you guys around me.”
“Okay,” he said plainly, stepping back. I felt a surge of anger and then I was on him, my fists pounding against his chest, nails scratching at his neck, deep and bloodied rungs appearing with every swipe.
We would later laugh about this day, the day that I had scarred us so badly, nearly broken everything. We would laugh about our dysfunction and my inability to properly expressed emotion. I don’t remember much of what happened after my initial attack, but I do know that it involved Elissa, Isaac, Julia, and Kimber Nash pulling me off of Andrew. Elissa drove me home and I cried for two days.
Lying in bed next to Andrew ten years later, listening to him snore softly, I begged myself to be able to remember Kimber’s face, but all I could see was the fright and pity in her eyes.
I stared at the wall, trying to decide if I did indeed remember her. I rolled over onto my side as Andrew laid Grace, now sleeping, in her crib and sat down on the bed next to me.
“I think I do, but... I think so. Why?” Andrew shrugged.
“I was thinking about that and I can’t remember her face.”
It wasn’t a big deal, nor was Kimber’s memory but it made me realize something; no matter how much someone means to you at a certain point in time, their existence in your mind, entrenched between formulas and first birthdays, would someday become moot.
We were sitting outside the chorus building waiting for rehearsal to start when Isaac came running up to us, flush faced and sweaty.
“It was John Seagram and Mike Von Heffner,” he said, leaning forward and resting his hands on his knees as he gasped for breath. “I just talked to Laurel and she said that Higgins has them both in his office.”
“What are you... wait, you mean the tree was... are you kidding?” Elissa asked, her mouth slack. “Oh no, Mark,” she said, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. John and Mike were Mark’s best friends. I pulled my cell phone out and texted him.
“Go home and don’t tell Mom about Mike and John. Don’t argue.” I pressed ‘Send’ and waited for a minute before shoving the phone in my bag. I shifted my weight forward and stretched towards my feet, grabbing my arches and pulling my body level with my calves.
“Mom and Dad’ll kill him,” Elissa mumbled, rolling her neck. “I mean, even if he had nothing to do with it. Mom and Dad’ll...”
“What time does rehearsal start?” Julia’s voice rang through the halls. Elissa and Isaac exchanged confused glances.
“Jules?”
“I’m in the cats. What time does rehearsal start?”
“3,” Elissa called back, staring up into the catwalk, looking like she was half expecting to see Julia come flying down.
“Guys, are you hearing me? Mike and John lit the tree, not two Seniors,” Isaac said, crossing his arms. “This wasn’t the Senior prank; this was two Juniors being retarded.”
Words like “retarded” and “wicked” were commonplace in Bostonian lexicon, but that didn’t mean that I used them as freely as others. I winced every time Isaac used the former, just as I did now.
“Isaac...”
“Spare me, Sister Mary Elliott,” he said, rolling his eyes. “If John and Mike are to blame, then what’s still coming?” His eyes glittered with implacable emotion, reconciled somewhere between anticipation and sheer joy as he continued on. “I mean, they’ve been saying for years...”
“This isn’t a joke,” Andrew said suddenly. He was lying on the floor next to me, with his cap over his face, dressed in basketball shorts, a Red Sox t-shirt and jazz shoes. “It’s not funny man, and it’s not going to ever going to be funny, so just let it go.” He sat up and tossed his hat on top of his bag. “It’s about time to grow up, Iz, we’re graduating soon.”
“What the hell is your problem?” Isaac asked, his face waxing disgust.
“Nothing, I just think you’re being childish. We need to be serious, set an example.”
“Dude, you’re being a douche, what’s your deal?
I could see now that the night was only going to drag on. Isaac and Andrew had been at each other’s throats for the last couple of weeks concerning something that no one but the two of them knew about. It bothered me, because Isaac was my best friend and Andrew was my boyfriend and it seemed logical to me that I should be each of their confidant, but that wasn’t the case; as it was, I was the odd man out in a fight that I was sure was about me.
“Drew,” I said softly, placing my hand on his wrist, “let’s go for a walk. Come on.” I tugged him up, grabbing our coats, practically pushing him out of the building as Isaac shouted profanity after us.
The double doors at the back of the performing arts building led to the quad if you went straight, but if you veered left you could walk the perimeter of the school without interruption, which was the path I chose. Tugging my parka on, my bare legs tingling in the chill, I laced my fingers together with Andrew’s and pulled him close.
“Baby, what’s going on?” I asked for what felt like the millionth time. Just as the other times, he shrugged and looked away. “Andrew...”
“He’s just... he’s Isaac, okay? He’s Isaac and he’s perfect and he’s better and it drives me fucking crazy. I’ve been competing with him since we were little and when I finally got the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world, he can’t be happy for me.”
I was right; it was about me.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, my cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment. “Isaac is happy for you, of course he is.” Andrew was already shaking his head no.
“Ellie...”
“Honey, it’s not about Isaac, I know that. I know there’s something else and you not telling me isn’t what bothers me,” I said quickly, pressing a finger to his lips as he began to protest. “I know that there’s something going on in your life right now that isn’t privy to me yet, but in time I’ll know and just the reassurance that someday you’ll tell me is all I need.”
“I’d tell you anything, you know that,” he said, leaning forward and resting his head against mine. “Ellie, I love you.”
It was stupid really, to get emotional over all of this, but I did, feeling the choke of tears a second after they wet my cheeks. Andrew’s face melted.
“Oh, baby, don’t cry, I didn’t... I’m sorry...”
“No, it’s not... God, I sound so stupid. I love you, too,” I fumbled, laughing at my own ridiculousness. “I just hate to see you guys fight, you know? Like, you and Isaac, and you and Lisi, and Julia and the world, it’s a lot to handle. I just wish we could be like we used to.” Andrew sighed and turned to the sun, draping his arm around my shoulder. We walked for a long time in silence, rounding Clement Pond before either one of us spoke again.
“We can’t ever be those kids again, and I know you know that, but it would be nice, wouldn’t it?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the mildewed sun. I nodded, not entirely I actually knew why we couldn’t go back. “Do you remember when we were at Julia’s fifteenth birthday party and Isaac pushed you and Lisi in the pool and you busted your lip open?” he asked, running his thumb over the short scar on my lower lip. I smiled, kissing the pad of his thumb. “I remember we were all happy then, despite all of it...”
I didn’t have anything to say, really, because he hadn’t said anything I could attest to; we really had been happy. The thing was, however, that at least two of us were hiding a secret then. Andrew and I had been reluctant to announce our relationship to the world because of how relentlessly Isaac had been pursuing me for the last ten years. Andrew was always more concerned with what others thought about his friends than himself and he hadn’t wanted Isaac to turn on me.
“We so dramatic,” I said with a smiling, leaning my head against Andrew’s chest. He smiled, and kissed the top of my head, his chin resting on my crown.
“I got into Princeton.”
I wanted to be excited for him, happy and as thrilled as I knew he was, but suddenly it all made sense; I could hardly be happy.
“What?” I asked, sitting up quickly and turning to stare at him. He was avoiding my gaze as I slapped my hands on either side of his face and forced him to look at me. “What?” I asked again.
“I found out this morning, Harrison told me.”
I sat in silence for a long minute, unsure of how to react. “Congratulations,” I managed, snuggling deeper into him, squeezing my eyes shut.
“I won’t go, Elliott, not if you don’t want me to.”
“I want you to,” I said quickly, my mouth tasting like sand. “I... I want you to.”
“Ellie...”
“No, Drew, I really do baby. I really, really do.”
“Now I think you’re just trying to get rid of me,” he teased, but it was pointless. All the happiness in the world was gone and I was just here, on the shore, freezing despite the fact that I was wrapped in my sun.
We got back just in time for rehearsal, not that it could have started without us. I felt like I was in honey, barely moving and barely breathing, but I danced and sang the entire rehearsal at one hundred percent. It was my fallback, my pretend talent. My sister was smart, Julia was a writer, Isaac was a star lacrosse player, Andrew was lead tenor, and I was just that girl who could dance well. It didn’t seem as impressive to me, having a good memory and the ability to contort my body in odd fashions.
When rehearsal was over, I called Mark to see if he had gone home since he hadn’t texted me back. Andrew and Julia were talking to Lawrence about something for next week’s rehearsal and Elissa and Isaac were practicing their tap duet. The phone rang six times before Mark picked up.
“Elle?”
“Mark, are you at home?” I could hear shuffling around and muffled voices before he spoke again.
“Um... yeah.”
“Right, let me talk to Mom.”
“I’m with John.”
Silence.
“Ellie?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“They cleared him and Mike, it’s no big deal!”
“Mark Caleb, you had better get your ass home before Mom finds out and un-son’s you. I’m not even kidding.”
“Elliott, calm down. And don’t call me that, you’re not Dad and it’s obnoxious. You sound like Elissa.”
“Mark...”
“I’m going home, okay, just calm down. I’m hanging up now.”
“Mark!” I screamed, but he’d already hung up. I slammed my phone in my purse and stormed out of the auditorium without another word.
I had almost made it to my car when Andrew caught up with me.
“Elliott, stop,” he said, grabbing my arm. “Don’t blame Mark for this. It’s not his fault, he’s just being Mark. Don’t go home angry.” I didn’t turn around, instead just stood by my car, tears rolling down my face.
I was angry at Mark, angry at Andrew and Isaac, angry at Elissa. I hated them all and I was being melodramatic and I didn’t care. Everything, all of the roiling angst and suppressed emotion was welling up and what happened next would be the start of a long and winding road.
“I hate you,” I whispered, turning to Andrew. He looked at me, confused and shocked. “I hate you for everything you’ve done to me, everything you’ve taken.” I jerked my arm out of his grasp. “I want you to leave me alone and never, ever talk to me again.”
“Elliott,” he breathed, his face pale. I shook my head.
“No, Andrew, I won’t hear it. I can’t do this anymore. I... I need to breathe and just... I can’t do it with you guys around me.”
“Okay,” he said plainly, stepping back. I felt a surge of anger and then I was on him, my fists pounding against his chest, nails scratching at his neck, deep and bloodied rungs appearing with every swipe.
We would later laugh about this day, the day that I had scarred us so badly, nearly broken everything. We would laugh about our dysfunction and my inability to properly expressed emotion. I don’t remember much of what happened after my initial attack, but I do know that it involved Elissa, Isaac, Julia, and Kimber Nash pulling me off of Andrew. Elissa drove me home and I cried for two days.
Lying in bed next to Andrew ten years later, listening to him snore softly, I begged myself to be able to remember Kimber’s face, but all I could see was the fright and pity in her eyes.