Help! I need a personality transplant!
Am totally kicking myself tonight. I'm also feeling a little sick and anxious. I am a failure when it comes to flirting and men.
I know i've said it before that I totally suck at it - but I really do. There's been this regular customer than comes in - lets call him Dan. Dan comes in and is always super flirty and when he comes into my store he always greets me with, "Hello Gorgeous" even if the shop is full of other customers or his colleges. Now Dan is a little older than me - maybe five or six years? Not too sure. Anyway he is always saying how he wants to take me out on the town and show me a good night etc. I always roll my eyes and say, 'Yeah maybe - we will see'.
Anyway this has been going on for month, and then last month he came in when I had a really, really bad day and a guy I had been keen on suddenly dropped me out of the blue I was feeling really fugly and down. Anyway, Dan comes in all flirty and asks me what is wrong and I tell him and he says, 'Lemme take you out! I live in the next town, just let me buy you dinner'. So i said, 'That sounds good to me but i'm going on holidays next week so we'll have to see'.
I wasn't really serious about it, but his eyes light up and he says, 'I'm gonna hold you to that'. So a month passes and I haven't seen him for ages and he came in to my work tonight and he yelled out, 'Hello Gorgeous' and I asked him how his xmas was etc. Just light talk while we could in between me serving other customers. Anway, he says, "So are you ready to come over to my town (he lives 4hrs away) and let me show you a good time" and I laughed and said, 'Yeah sounds good'.
-- May I just point out that in my life only one other guy has ever asked me out, I never get asked out and I am not used to having guys pay me romantic attention. I'm used to being 'one of the guys' or the best friend. So when a guy shows me attention I go all high school girl squeeling internally and I tend to nod and smile a lot and I never say anything cool or flirty --
Anyway, so Dan grins and says, "Okay, when?" and I panic. I'm like 'Oh shit, I never thought it was serious' and another part of me is like 'Dude I haven't kissed, touched or been with a guy in six years - there are nuns that see more action that you!!!'. So I pretend to look at my roster and I come back feebly with, 'Hows February?' and he answers, 'Great. I'll rent us a hotel room'.
ERM.... WHAT?!?!?! Every nerve ending in my body panicked because I aint no one night stand girl - I just couldn't. I've got nothing against anyone who does... but i'm not equipped for it. I'm way too self conscious about my body, and it's way outside my comfort zone and I have never ever EVER hooked up with a guy I didn't know really well. Now normally I would just laugh, and say 'Yeah, whatever buddy, nice try' because that's what I say to all the sleezey old men that try that line on my friends etc. But instead I wrote down my phone number and told him, 'Tell me when you're free'. My brain went beserk and started screaming at my body to stop acting on it's own and fall back into line. I don't EVER do that. I can't just sleep with some dude I don't know. A hotel room? In his town? What am I a fucking prostitute??? (** by the way - this is me still panicking! **)
He smiles and says, 'Yeah ok' and then I watch him walk out to his car and there's kids in his car and a woman. Fuck. My stomach bottoms out and I remember him telling me ages ago that he had an ex wife. Shit! Shit! Shit! So i feel like the biggest loser in the world and like cheap dirt, and then he comes back in the store to buy a drink and I say to him, 'Oh you traveling with the Mrs?' and he says, 'Nah, just my ex' all real casual like it's no big deal, and then chuckles and says, 'And she's nagging me non stop'. I heard myself say 'Oh well you probably deserve it' and he grins and asks me if I'm working tomorrow night, and I said "Yup'" and he says he'll see me tomorrow. He walks out and I see that he has a 12yr old son and I feel like the biggest tool.
I promised myself when I was young that I would never be 'the other woman' and that 'I would never get in the way of a family'. It goes against my values. So now I feel like trash, because a) I kinda like him and now there's no way I could ever date him because the whole situation looks shady b) he prob thinks i'm some slut he can just booty call and i could never just rock up at a hotel room and shag a guy and then go home c) is this normal? I haven't dated in so long that maybe the rules have changed and this is how it is -- which means I'm totally going to die alone because I can't work that way and why do I only get the cheating/one night stand guys and not nice guys? AND d) shit now he has my phone number, i hope his wife doesn't find it and beat the crap out of me.
I feel like crying and I have no one to talk to. All my friends are asleep or busy with their husbands and babies, and the others left wouldn't give a toss and would tell me to get over it.... and I just feel really alone and stupid.
What am I going to do and say tomorrow night? It's bad enough that work has been so stressful and exhausting the last couple of days - I don't need this.
Thee letter sum it up: FML
I know i've said it before that I totally suck at it - but I really do. There's been this regular customer than comes in - lets call him Dan. Dan comes in and is always super flirty and when he comes into my store he always greets me with, "Hello Gorgeous" even if the shop is full of other customers or his colleges. Now Dan is a little older than me - maybe five or six years? Not too sure. Anyway he is always saying how he wants to take me out on the town and show me a good night etc. I always roll my eyes and say, 'Yeah maybe - we will see'.
Anyway this has been going on for month, and then last month he came in when I had a really, really bad day and a guy I had been keen on suddenly dropped me out of the blue I was feeling really fugly and down. Anyway, Dan comes in all flirty and asks me what is wrong and I tell him and he says, 'Lemme take you out! I live in the next town, just let me buy you dinner'. So i said, 'That sounds good to me but i'm going on holidays next week so we'll have to see'.
I wasn't really serious about it, but his eyes light up and he says, 'I'm gonna hold you to that'. So a month passes and I haven't seen him for ages and he came in to my work tonight and he yelled out, 'Hello Gorgeous' and I asked him how his xmas was etc. Just light talk while we could in between me serving other customers. Anway, he says, "So are you ready to come over to my town (he lives 4hrs away) and let me show you a good time" and I laughed and said, 'Yeah sounds good'.
-- May I just point out that in my life only one other guy has ever asked me out, I never get asked out and I am not used to having guys pay me romantic attention. I'm used to being 'one of the guys' or the best friend. So when a guy shows me attention I go all high school girl squeeling internally and I tend to nod and smile a lot and I never say anything cool or flirty --
Anyway, so Dan grins and says, "Okay, when?" and I panic. I'm like 'Oh shit, I never thought it was serious' and another part of me is like 'Dude I haven't kissed, touched or been with a guy in six years - there are nuns that see more action that you!!!'. So I pretend to look at my roster and I come back feebly with, 'Hows February?' and he answers, 'Great. I'll rent us a hotel room'.
ERM.... WHAT?!?!?! Every nerve ending in my body panicked because I aint no one night stand girl - I just couldn't. I've got nothing against anyone who does... but i'm not equipped for it. I'm way too self conscious about my body, and it's way outside my comfort zone and I have never ever EVER hooked up with a guy I didn't know really well. Now normally I would just laugh, and say 'Yeah, whatever buddy, nice try' because that's what I say to all the sleezey old men that try that line on my friends etc. But instead I wrote down my phone number and told him, 'Tell me when you're free'. My brain went beserk and started screaming at my body to stop acting on it's own and fall back into line. I don't EVER do that. I can't just sleep with some dude I don't know. A hotel room? In his town? What am I a fucking prostitute??? (** by the way - this is me still panicking! **)
He smiles and says, 'Yeah ok' and then I watch him walk out to his car and there's kids in his car and a woman. Fuck. My stomach bottoms out and I remember him telling me ages ago that he had an ex wife. Shit! Shit! Shit! So i feel like the biggest loser in the world and like cheap dirt, and then he comes back in the store to buy a drink and I say to him, 'Oh you traveling with the Mrs?' and he says, 'Nah, just my ex' all real casual like it's no big deal, and then chuckles and says, 'And she's nagging me non stop'. I heard myself say 'Oh well you probably deserve it' and he grins and asks me if I'm working tomorrow night, and I said "Yup'" and he says he'll see me tomorrow. He walks out and I see that he has a 12yr old son and I feel like the biggest tool.
I promised myself when I was young that I would never be 'the other woman' and that 'I would never get in the way of a family'. It goes against my values. So now I feel like trash, because a) I kinda like him and now there's no way I could ever date him because the whole situation looks shady b) he prob thinks i'm some slut he can just booty call and i could never just rock up at a hotel room and shag a guy and then go home c) is this normal? I haven't dated in so long that maybe the rules have changed and this is how it is -- which means I'm totally going to die alone because I can't work that way and why do I only get the cheating/one night stand guys and not nice guys? AND d) shit now he has my phone number, i hope his wife doesn't find it and beat the crap out of me.
I feel like crying and I have no one to talk to. All my friends are asleep or busy with their husbands and babies, and the others left wouldn't give a toss and would tell me to get over it.... and I just feel really alone and stupid.
What am I going to do and say tomorrow night? It's bad enough that work has been so stressful and exhausting the last couple of days - I don't need this.
Thee letter sum it up: FML