old and boring...
For kicks, I looked back at some entries I had written 2 years ago. I used to post every other day if not every day...and it always seemed like I had something to write about. A ton of alcohol abuse and partying ensued. Now I have no desire to write down anything going on in my life, yet I'm forcing myself to. I guess I have a lot of reasons on my lack of posting.
1. The last 3-4 months haven't treated me all that well and as of the beginning of December 2006 I have never been so overwhelmed and distressed in my entire life. I don't post because I feel like I am just bitching and moaning and don't want the few people that may read this to think I'm a complete self-pitying asshole (which I guess I have been, though). I maybe cry about once...max twice a year. I've surpassed that quota in the last 3 weeks. I like to think I'm strong and self-reliant, but I've never felt like such a helpless sack of life....ever.
2. I guess I've gotten to be a pretty boring human. I assume I have to take into account that my old work schedule was the perfect party schedule. I would be able to get up at 11am and get out before 10pm. After 10pm was usually the time that Chris would get out of work and the shenanigans would begin. You could stay up until 6am and still get about 5-6 hours of sleep depending on how close you wanted to cut it. I can't imagine doing that now. I've grown accustomed to getting up early in the morning and usually start thinking about bed at 10pm. Lately I haven't been able to get to sleep but hopefully that will pass. Regardless of my current restlessness I still have no desire to go out. The last time I went to Q's (about a month and a half ago) I wound up vomiting for 3 hours straight. I have thrown up from drinking one other time than that and this was in 2000. I guess I just don't have it in me anymore.
3. I give my "all" at work and once I sit down at home I don't want to move. One could say I use work as an excuse, but I think it's a valid point. Sometimes I don't sit down, other to take a piss on the toilet, for the entire 9-12 hour course of the day. Do you think I enjoy that? Sometimes around 11:30am and 1pm I get the rush to want to party my ass of that night. I think of fun things I can do. When 6pm rolls around I have lost all motivation of what I thought was going to be an awesome evening and then just become cranky because I suck at life. I hype myself up for 4 hours straight just so I can bring myself down. This happens very often.
I don't know. I'm getting married in September and figured this would be the happiest time of my life. Unfortunately things aren't going on as I hoped for. Aaron is such a wonderful man for putting up with my garbage. He's been my life support for the last month...all I do to repay him is work 10-15 hours overtime, mope around when I'm actually at home and have the occassional nervous breakdown about current events. I think what has actually made things worse for me is that shit has gotten so out of control in almost every aspect of my life that I have tried to convince myself to "look at the bright side of things". Everytime I do, I am reminded why I've never followed that outlook. Because it all turns to shit.
I don't want to bitch, I really don't. I just have nothing good to say. I haven't for a while. This is why this will probably be my last post for this month, maybe 2. Maybe ever. I wanted to delete this account a few months ago, but I didn't. I enjoy looking back on past posts from several years ago to see how much my life has changed. We're all getting older. But are we really grown up?
1. The last 3-4 months haven't treated me all that well and as of the beginning of December 2006 I have never been so overwhelmed and distressed in my entire life. I don't post because I feel like I am just bitching and moaning and don't want the few people that may read this to think I'm a complete self-pitying asshole (which I guess I have been, though). I maybe cry about once...max twice a year. I've surpassed that quota in the last 3 weeks. I like to think I'm strong and self-reliant, but I've never felt like such a helpless sack of life....ever.
2. I guess I've gotten to be a pretty boring human. I assume I have to take into account that my old work schedule was the perfect party schedule. I would be able to get up at 11am and get out before 10pm. After 10pm was usually the time that Chris would get out of work and the shenanigans would begin. You could stay up until 6am and still get about 5-6 hours of sleep depending on how close you wanted to cut it. I can't imagine doing that now. I've grown accustomed to getting up early in the morning and usually start thinking about bed at 10pm. Lately I haven't been able to get to sleep but hopefully that will pass. Regardless of my current restlessness I still have no desire to go out. The last time I went to Q's (about a month and a half ago) I wound up vomiting for 3 hours straight. I have thrown up from drinking one other time than that and this was in 2000. I guess I just don't have it in me anymore.
3. I give my "all" at work and once I sit down at home I don't want to move. One could say I use work as an excuse, but I think it's a valid point. Sometimes I don't sit down, other to take a piss on the toilet, for the entire 9-12 hour course of the day. Do you think I enjoy that? Sometimes around 11:30am and 1pm I get the rush to want to party my ass of that night. I think of fun things I can do. When 6pm rolls around I have lost all motivation of what I thought was going to be an awesome evening and then just become cranky because I suck at life. I hype myself up for 4 hours straight just so I can bring myself down. This happens very often.
I don't know. I'm getting married in September and figured this would be the happiest time of my life. Unfortunately things aren't going on as I hoped for. Aaron is such a wonderful man for putting up with my garbage. He's been my life support for the last month...all I do to repay him is work 10-15 hours overtime, mope around when I'm actually at home and have the occassional nervous breakdown about current events. I think what has actually made things worse for me is that shit has gotten so out of control in almost every aspect of my life that I have tried to convince myself to "look at the bright side of things". Everytime I do, I am reminded why I've never followed that outlook. Because it all turns to shit.
I don't want to bitch, I really don't. I just have nothing good to say. I haven't for a while. This is why this will probably be my last post for this month, maybe 2. Maybe ever. I wanted to delete this account a few months ago, but I didn't. I enjoy looking back on past posts from several years ago to see how much my life has changed. We're all getting older. But are we really grown up?