(Untitled)
After Lorne's big bash party, I headed up to my room. Well, after Wesley left with the children I went up to my room. My 'happy' was starting to wear off and the wings on my back weren't as nice as I thought about them at one time.. mostly. They still hung in the very back of my closet hidden back there with the pink light red shirt that I found
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A group meeting. Should Cordelia be included on that now? I hated the idea of her working here - well, her working at a place like this anyway, but hadn't she insisted? From my past experience with Cordy, whenever she insisted on something that's what was going to happen. There were no and's, if's, or but's about it.
The phone kept ringing and I hung up when I realized either Harmony wasn't there, or she was on the other line talking to someone and just not answering the phone. Sighing, I placed the phone back and leaned forward on the desk.
My vampire senses must be off because I didn't even hear anyone open the door until I heard a voice.
"I come bearing coffee, big guy. You free?"
Looking up from the desk, I saw Cordy standing there in the doorway. Smiling, I realized just how long it had been since I'd seen her here. Had it been a week? More than a week?
I stood and walked out from behind the desk. "Coffee? I could probably use some of that right about now." I smiled again. "I'm free as I'll ever be, I guess. Have something in mind?" Shopping? God, I hope not. Or would it be so bad? Yes, shopping - bad. Always bad.
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"Let me guess," I grinned, "As long as it's not mine?" It had been a long running joke at Angel Investigations that I, Cordelia Chase, could not make coffee. Hell, I wouldn't have even minded the joke half the time if the guys had got up and made a pot themselves.
Lazy asses.
"I'm free as I'll ever be, I guess. Have something in mind?"
I hadn't, actually. I'd figured he'd be all busy doing CEO stuff but I could improvise. "Well I thought we could, y'know, talk. Catch up. And coffee seemed like the way to do it, unless you were looking for another hangover. That was a great party, wasn't it?"
Okay, and I was babbling because?
I gazed at him for a moment, let my eyes sweep over a face that was still smiling and relaxed again. "I liked your costume."
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Raising a brow at her, I smiled again. "I-well, your's isn't-..that was always Wesley who didn't like your coffee, you know. I on the other hand, enjoyed it very much." I nodded a matter of factly. "You must've forgotten."
"Well I thought we could, y'know, talk. Catch up. And coffee seemed like the way to do it, unless you were looking for another hangover. That was a great party, wasn't it?"
Right, another hangover. We didn't need that again, did we? But did she know about that from the party? Did someone tell her about my 'couple' of drinks or did she-
"I like your costume."
Well, that answers that.
"I..uh," Great, I was stuttering again. Leave it to Cordelia Chase to have me blabbering my way through every sentence I tried to get through. "Thanks.. Harmony picked it out," I said in my defense.
"I liked your's too." Yes, I had liked her costume. Very much. "The party was.. nice. Wesley and I decided to spend part of it in here though. The children.. they were just tired."
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"Nice save, Angel," I laughed, "Next time if you can try it without the babbling? That'd be great."
This was-- Nice. Angel and I hadn't got a chance to talk much at the party. Oh, I'd seen him across the room a few times, even waved a quick 'hey', but most of the night I'd been watching the kids, Lorne... And as sad as it was to say? Lilah.
Every time she even looked in Wesley's direction I wanted to scratch her eyes out. It'd been her who'd offered Angel this place and I wasn't sure how much she knew about my being kept alive until they'd took all my visions.
I told Angel I liked his costume, blinked when he admitted that Harmony picked it out. "I should've known that," I murmured, "You'd go for something manly like-- Black wings. Pink?"
Really, the kids already thought he was gay.
"I liked your's too."
"Duh," I grinned, "Did you see me? I was all over the hotness." I'd lost count of the amount of times people had told me I looked great for previously being in a coma and all, and that wasn't me being conceited. Mystical comas... If you could survive the death, then seriously, I'd recommend 'em to anyone.
"The party was.. nice. Wesley and I decided to spend part of it in here though. The children.. they were just tired."
"Yeah, I figured," I said softly, remembering Marilee clinging to Wes' neck pretty much all night, "Although I thought that had more to do with your two modes. Y'know, bite and avoid?"
That reminded me, I'd have to call Wesley later too. I had been Ms. Avoidy this week, huh? "Has he decided what he's gonna do? About Marilee and Alicia?"
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I smiled and ducked my head. "I'll do my best next time." Next time? Would there be a next time that I had to try and save myself? I almost laughed at the thought. With her? Of course there would be a next time. Cordy had a way of 'catching' me.
"I should've known that. You'd go for something manly like-- Black wings. Pink?"
"Black? Well.. I thought you said to branch out into more colors. Just doing as I'm told, you know. I've learned obey when ever Cordelia Chase tells me to do something," I said with a grin.
For now, I'd leave out the small fact that the jacket with wings and all were still hidden upstairs in the back of my closet.
"Duh. Did you see me? I was all over the hotness."
Ducking my head again, I smiled. "I saw you. And yes.. all over with the hottness." See that? Another 'catch' and not even five minutes later.
"Yeah, I figured. Although I thought that had more to do with your two modes. Y'know, bite and avoid?"
I shrugged. "Well, that too. Hey, at least I didn't hide in here all night, right? It was the plan for a while, but.. well, once I got up the courage I decided to show my CEO face for a little while. It wasn't until I had a few drinks in me that I decided to stay a little longer. And I'm pretty sure that Wesley was keen on getting out of there with his Indiana Jones costume.. that I only assume you yourself picked out."
"Has he decided what he's gonna do? About Marilee and Alicia?"
Blinking, I sighed a little. "I'm not really sure. He mentioned something about finding a family for them, but.. I'm not sure who we'd place them with. The screening committee isn't going to be easy to get past." That committee being Wesley, myself, and possibly Cordelia if she wanted. "If I didn't know better, I might be thinking that he wanted to keep them himself."
Wouldn't that be interesting. And not to mention.. uncanny.
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Laughing, I met Angel's gaze, "Oh, great. It only took you three years and my untimely dying to get it right. Stubborn ass." Which could be applied to all of them, I guessed. I mean, they listened to me most of the time... But on the important stuff, like, mixing up the black on black look? It had taken Angel three years. Three years! Was I off my game or what?
Although then again... I guess my dying hadn't done that much damage. Angel was being all Squirmy Squirmerson when I asked if he'd seen the hotness of me last night.
"I saw you," he smiled, "And yes... all over with the hottness."
"Dork." I teased, laughing as he mentioned Wesley's Indiana Jones costume, "Oh come on, Angel. We both know what he was gonna pick out. Double-oh-dorko tuxedo, much? I love Wes but James Bond? A little old. Besides, he's got that rugged manly thing going on for him these days. Indiana Jones was, like, the perfect choice."
And it had been, too. Just like the costumes we'd -- or rather I'd -- picked out for the kids were. Speaking of the kids, it was about time I asked Angel what Wes was planning.
"I'm not really sure. He mentioned something about finding a family for them, but.. I'm not sure who we'd place them with. The screening committee isn't going to be easy to get past."
"Screening commmittee?" I looked at Angel, puzzled, "There's a screening committee?" If that meant a bunch of lawyers sitting around in suits and deciding the fate of two of the cutest kids in the history of ever? I was going to be pissed.
"If I didn't better, I might be thinking that he wanted to keep them himself."
"What, Wesley?" I asked, unable to stop my eyebrows shooting upwards. He was good with the kids, he'd proved that much last night but... He wanted to keep them?
"I guess it makes sense, sorta... I mean the kids are comfortable with him." But looking after kids and working at this place? I wasn't so sure that a Wolfram and Hart kids scheme was such the good idea.
Which led me onto my next point... "Do we still own the rights to the hotel?"
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I grinned and shrugged a bit. "Maybe I'm just a slow learner." At the mention of her death, I felt my face fall slightly. That was a something I wanted to forget ever happened at all. Not that it would ever happen of course. I might want to forget it, but it wasn't easily forgetable.
"Dork. Oh come on, Angel. We both know what he was gonna pick out. Double-oh-dorko tuxedo, much? I love Wes but James Bond? A little old. Besides, he's got that rugged manly thing going on for him these days. Indiana Jones was, like, the perfect choice."
Smiling again, I nodded in agreement. Well, wasn't that what I was going to come dressed in until Harmony had fun with a needle and pink thread? Not that I really wanted to come off as a Double-o-..dorko, but well I fixed that when I stepped outside of my office with the wings flapping around on my back.
"Right, perfect. And since I know Wesley didn't pick out the girl's costumes, good job with those. They seemed to like them too."
"Screening commmittee? There's a screening committee?"
I nodded a matter-of-factly. "Of course there is. Wesley, you, and me. The screening commitee." Raising a brow at her, I smiled. "Don't worry. Just us. No lawyers involved."
"What, Wesley? "I guess it makes sense, sorta... I mean the kids are comfortable with him."
"They are comfortable with him. I don't know how it's going to work out or if he's really wanting to keep them. Wesley taking care of children is the last thing I would've pictured after-.." After what? After witnessing him with children the first time around?
"Well, he never seemed the type to look after children.. well, girls especially."
Okay so that was true, but it wasn't the first reason that popped into my head.
"Do we still own the rights to the hotel?"
"The hotel?" I asked curiously. "Uh.. yes. I haven't been there in.. well, since the day we took over this place. Does that have something to do with Wesley and kids?"
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Yep, things were still weird.
We got on talking about the kids - I pseudo-blessing in itself - until Angel meant that there was a screening process for the kids. Right away I got images of stuffy lawyers sitting around and discussing futures they'd never have part of--
"Of course there is. Wesley, you, and me. The screening commitee. Don't worry. Just us. No lawyers involved."
I couldn't help but smile at Angel, though I did wonder when he'd gotten so adept at reading me. Damn manpire. "Well... Good," I smiled, "At least this way we can find someone suitable, I guess."
Suitable. How did you decide that? How did you look at someone and decide they were qualified in not messing up someone else's life?
"Wesley taking care of children is the last thing I would've pictured after-.. Well, he never seemed the type to look after children.. well, girls especially."
And there were *way* too many well's in that sentence to be normal. I arched an eyebrow at Angel, knowing exactly what he was thinking. After Wesley took Connor. After he lost him, let him get taken into Quortoth-- No, wait. "Angel..." I started, but he shook his head. We weren't talking about this now, apparently.
"Do we still own the rights to the hotel?" I asked suddenly, levelling my gaze with his.
"The hotel? Uh.. yes. I haven't been there in.. well, since the day we took over this place. Does that have something to do with Wesley and kids?"
"Not exactly." I said softly, brushing the hair back from my face. It wasn't like me to be Ms. Nervous or anything but talking about this and with Angel-- It was weird. "I've sorta been living there this past week. Cleaning. Spanking my inner moppet." I gave him a tiny smile and dropped my hands to my sides, aware that I'd started to adopt a trait of Fred's - wringing hands and all.
"I was thinking of moving back in there." I noticed the look on his face and stepped forward, ready to do the whole explanation thing. "Angel, I know you offered me your penthouse and all and-- And really, that was great. It was more than great, I mean penthouse..." I said wistfully.
Penthouse with, like, room service. Big ass TV. Beautiful furniture, even by Angel's standards. And Angel. Angel, my best friend. Angel who I'd had the fuzzier kind of feelings for for as long as I could remember. Oy. "I-I just... I need to get back to some type of normality, I guess, and as much as I'd love staying with you? I-I don't think it's a good idea."
And why? Because being around him for too long meant-- Getting comfortable. And if we got too comfortable and I accidentally unleashed Angelus on the world by giving him a happy, I'd never forgive myself.
He'd never forgive himself and I couldn't do that to Angel. I couldn't be the cause of even more guilt for him.
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Smiling a little at that, it fell once again at her apology. I frowned as she glanced down and I crossed my arms over my chest. "Don't be," I said looking again at her. The truth was, I felt like I was the one who should be apologizing to her. For allowing Wolfram and Hart to steal her visions without my knowledge and allowing her to die in the first place. Putting on a smile, I shrugged. "There's nothing to be sorry about."
"Well... Good. At least this way we can find someone suitable, I guess."
I nodded. "That's the plan." If finding someone 'suitable' was actually possible here in L.A. After all, not everyone had the priveledge of starting over with a new family handpicked to love and take care of someone else's children loving them as their own and not thinking for a moment about hurting them in any way. That's right. We were still talking about the girls. Only the girls.
"Angel..."
My eyes glanced up at her for a moment, but then turned away as I shook my head silently. This wasn't a subject that I wanted to get involved in talking with her about. Not now, not yet.
"Not exactly. I've sorta been living there this past week. Cleaning. Spanking my inner moppet. I was thinking of moving back in there."
Focusing on her fully again now, I opened my mouth to say.. something. Something to make her change her mind, but stopped when she continued.
"Angel, I know you offered me your penthouse and all and-- And really, that was great. It was more than great, I mean penthouse... I-I just... I need to get back to some type of normality, I guess, and as much as I'd love staying with you? I-I don't think it's a good idea."
Normality. That's exactly what I wanted, but this wasn't the way I wanted it. No, having her stand here and tell me that last year really didn't happen just like everyone else thought was part of what I wanted. What I wanted was..
What I wanted was something I could never have. It hadn't been possible before, why should I think it would be now. And besides, what made me think that even if it was possible, that it would be possible.. with her.
Uncrossing my arms, I rested them at my sides then after a moment, stuffed them inside my pockets. "Oh," I said finally.
"T-That's probably a good idea.. Besides, who'd want to be cooped up in here forever?" I sure as hell would rather be somewhere else. "I understand."
I understood, but that didn't mean that I'd have to be happy with it.
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One word. One word from Angel and it had my resolve fleeing out the door and down the expensive stairs of Wolfram and Hart. What I wanted was Angel to tell me that I could stay here, I could find normality here, with him. What I wanted was last year to just... Not have happened. I wanted to go back to that, back to before when we were just family and Connor was just a baby and--
"T-That's probably a good idea.. Besides, who'd want to be cooped up in here forever? I understand."
It was great that he was so understanding. It was great that he wasn't demanding I stay here or-- Wait, no, it really wasn't. I stared at him for a long moment, wondering what it was I wanted him to do... When a sudden thought occurred to me.
"Come with me." I think I knew, even as I said it, that he couldn't. He lived here now, upstairs in the very place we'd been fighting for four years. "You could live at the hotel again..."
And I was so clutching at straws here. Sighing, I let my gaze drop. "I'm all for moving on, Angel. Really. Want to spank your inner moppet? I'm totally your girl--" I paused, "I just never expected to be moving on without you."
I was Vision Girl. I was his Vision Girl. And what about all that nice 'I'll be with you until you do' crap that I'd promised him when we'd been talking about his Shanshu?
"I'm freaking," I told him honestly, "I'm totally freaking. I'm 22 years old, I've been knocked up, body-jacked and died all within the space of two years and the only thing I have left are visions that confuse me at the best of times, never mind when the majority of my family are working for the enemy. And now we're talking about me working for this place. Me! I mean, what'll I do here, really? It's not like you need another secretary what with Harmony working here and... Me moving in? Not our best plan since I'm all 'ohhh, my big fat hero-ing' with the feelings."
I frowned at that, looked at him. I was always pretty articulate when it came to talking about somebody else's feelings but my own? I clammed up quicker than-- Than a clammy up thing.
The only problem with that was that sooner or later? They all came tumbling out, just like they had when my visions had been killing me and Connor had been taken and--
"My plan was coffee," I murmured, sinking down onto Angel's plush sofa, fighting the urge to put my head in my hands, "Not talk like some crazy person about the state the world was in when she got brought back from the dead or whatever."
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For a moment I wasn't sure if I'd heard her right. She wanted me to..go with her back to the hotel?
"You could live at the hotel again...I'm all for moving on, Angel. Really. Want to spank your inner moppet? I'm totally your girl-- I just never expected to be moving on without you."
My mouth hung partly opened as I listened to her. Didn't she know that's what I've wanted all along? Most of the time I hated being here, hated the things we did or didn't do. One of the things that kept me going was knowing that part of my being here was for her, her and my son who somehow wandered back into this building a couple of weeks ago. My son who I disappointed yet again.
I stared at her for a moment and for about five seconds I imagined myself being back at the hotel with her. In those five seconds I wanted to tell her yes, that I'd go back to the hotel with her.
The thing was, that after those five seconds were over I knew it was impossible. I'd signed my life over to this place and going back wasn't an option anymore.
"Cordy, I-.. I haven't moved on. I'm not sure if I ever will. Without you here..there's no one for me to move on with." I paused and took a small step towards her. Just ask her again, dammit. Ask her to stay here with you. I opened my mouth to ask the question, but stopped when she started again.
While she spoke, she made it clear she had no idea what she'd do here if she stayed. Ducking my head, I sighed. Stay here? No, she was too good to stay here. Besides, what would she do? Have visions to kill our clients who we got off on technicalities?
My plan was coffee. Not talk like some crazy person about the state the world was in when she got brought back from the dead or whatever."
Watching her sit down on the couch, I waited a moment before going to sit next to her. Coffee might've been a good idea. Maybe we would've been able to talk more about the possibility of her- no. Besides, coffee actually probably wasn't a good idea.. unless it was decaffinated. "Coffee could've been nice," I said finally.
"And for the record, you're not crazy. You're probably the sanest person I've talked to since getting here."
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He took a step towards me, his mouth open as if he wanted to ask me something-- And I so wanted to tell him that he *should* have moved on. I'd been gone for months, his waiting around for me... He shouldn't have had to.
But I couldn't tell him that. I couldn't tell him that I was glad he hadn't moved on. I couldn't tell him that I'd loved him for as long as I could remember. But I could tell him I was freaking.
"My plan was coffee," I murmured as my whole outer-monologue ended, "Not talk like some crazy person about the state the world was in when she got brought back from the dead or whatever."
He sat down next to me, our hips almost touching, and I closed my eyes.
"Coffee could've been nice, and for the record, you're not crazy. You're probably the sanest person I've talked to since getting here."
Was that comforting? I wasn't sure. Sure, I was sane and all... But sane couldn't be that good when it felt like you were being hollowed out inside.
"I'm tired of being the sane one, Angel." I said quietly, opening up my eyes to look at him again, "I've done sanity before and look where it got me."
Look where it got you, I added silently. Hell Incoporated. He'd signed his life over to this place and I-- I was vision girl, I got the visions. And it was absurd to think that the Powers would even dream of letting me stay here without serious repurcussions.
But then-- This last year had been about nothing but screw ups and mistakes of grandiose proportions. Where had the Powers been then? Where had the Powers been when their vision girl had been knocked up with hellspawn ala Jasmine?
"Y'know, I think I'm really leaning on the side of screwing sanity." I said, having spanked the Powers' inner moppet every which way I could. They were gonna be pissed with me no matter what happened after today because there was no way I was giving up on Angel, not now, not ever. "So you work for an evil law firm, so what? I still see you, even if they don't." I shrugged softly, "And I'm still sticking around... I mean... If you want me to?"
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Who was I kidding. I was at Hell Incorporated now. For a lack of a better word, they owned me. Or I don't know, maybe that word is appropriate now. If I ever went back to the hotel and left here then they'd do what they do best. Come after me using any and ever means possible. Everyone else would be in danger here because of something else I'd done and I couldn't do that. Besides, hadn't the firm already used my friends to get what they wanted out of me before I ever thought of sighing over my life to work here?
As I looked at Cordelia I remember a specific time and place. She was broken, helpless, and scared. I couldn't let that happen again.
"I'm tired of being the sane one, Angel. I've done sanity before and look where it got me."
"I think I get that," I stated and leaned forward. "But it's still nice to have around every so often." Glancing over at her I smiled slightly then stared down at my hands that were clasped together between my legs.
"Y'know, I think I'm really leaning on the side of screwing sanity. So you work for an evil law firm, so what? I still see you, even if they don't. And I'm still sticking around... I mean... If you want me to?"
Looking up again, I watched her for a moment before answering. "Cordy, it's not that I don't want you here..which is the complete opposite from what I want.. but, I just don't want you here. What if something happens - which, let's face it. This is Wolfram and Hart. Something always happens here. But what if you get hurt or anything else. I don't know what I'd do if I knew the reason you ultimately stayed was because of me. I can't let that happen." I looked at her. "Not after just getting you back."
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I could just imagine Lilah's speech. Best hospital care in the world, all that nice crap... And they'd killed me. I hated this place, hated everything it stood for and the reasons why Angel had to take the job-- And yet I wasn't sure I could walk out of here and not look back.
My plan had been to live at the hotel, to stay there, maybe even open my own investigations business but the truth was? I was terrified. I'd given up everything for Angel and the sad fact was, I'd do it all over again.
"Y'know, I think I'm really leaning on the side of screwing sanity. So you work for an evil law firm, so what? I still see you, even if they don't. And I'm still sticking around... I mean... If you want me to?"
He didn't answer for a moment. He looked at me, worry evident on his face and when he spoke I could hear the defeat in his voice.
"Cordy, it's not that I don't want you here..which is the complete opposite from what I want.. but, I just don't want you here. What if something happens - which, let's face it. This is Wolfram and Hart. Something always happens here. But what if you get hurt or anything else. I don't know what I'd do if I knew the reason you ultimately stayed was because of me. I can't let that happen. Not after just getting you back."
"Angel, I died..." I said softly, "I think that qualifies as the suckiest thing to happen this year, if you don't count the things we're not talking about."
Okay, so it was 'share your feelings' time. I got that. But did it have to be me doing the sharing and the reassuring here? Why couldn't Angel have abandoned sanity too and, like, told me everything was going to be okay? That I had a place here, even if he didn't know what that was yet.
"Remember my birthday?" Of course he did. It wasn't like you forgot your best friend going into a coma on the day she turned legal. "Skip--" My eyes darkened the minute his name came out of my mouth, "He gave me everything, Angel. The life I'd always wanted before it emerged that Daddy hadn't paid his taxes in the last ever." I smiled, sadly. "It was so easy to take it, especially when I heard what you said."
I hadn't forgot that. Not ever. Part of me still hadn't even forgiven him for it but it wasn't like I could still hold a grudge to that. "Not strong enough to take the visions. Something about a spoiled little rich girl. I was so mad at you," I tell him softly, "And then I saw what your life was like without me. I saw what the visions were doing to you and I gave it all up. I came back because I realised... I don't have any other place than this, Angel. And if I can give up a life of ultimate fabulousness and come back to your sorry manpire ass? I can sure as hell give up a life of, oh, nothing else."
My little speech about where I belonged over, I looked down at my hands, the fabulous nails that Alicia had fallen in love with. "Do you ever think that... If we'd met up that night, things would be different?"
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I winced and blinked my eyes away from her at the reminder of death. That was a subject I'd just assume not think about or dwell on - even though I know that I have and will. Her death and the fact that she was sitting next to me again was the entire reason that I couldn't have her in this building day in and day out. I already blamed myself for her death in the first place, but if something else were to happen to her just because she was staying here because of me? I don't want to even think about the way I'd deal with that.
"Cordy, you're alive. What if something else were to happen to you here? And if it was because you wanted to stay here because of me.. I-I don't know what I'd do."
"Remember my birthday? Skip-- He gave me everything, Angel. The life I'd always wanted before it emerged that Daddy hadn't paid his taxes in the last ever. It was so easy to take it, especially when I heard what you said."
Of course I remembered her birthday. I'd thought that I'd lose her to the visions she'd been given because of me and my mission. But.. what I said? When had she heard something that I'd said while she was in the coma? The coma.. another one of those.
"Not strong enough to take the visions. Something about a spoiled little rich girl. I was so mad at you. And then I saw what your life was like without me. I saw what the visions were doing to you and I gave it all up. I came back because I realised... I don't have any other place than this, Angel. And if I can give up a life of ultimate fabulousness and come back to your sorry manpire ass? I can sure as hell give up a life of, oh, nothing else."
I frowned as she repeated back the words I remembered so clearly, but she didn't finish them. Had the son of a bitch only shown her part of what I'd said to the Conduit?
"I remember. I remember saying those things, but that's the abridged version. I was angry. Angry at you for not letting us know sooner about what the visions were really doing to you and angry at the Powers for being the ones who were killing you. Killing you. Cordy, I was so afraid of losing you or even that you were in the smallest bit of pain. You were alone and I felt helpless when it came to bringing you back."
Sighing, I looked at her. My life without her? I'd spent only a few months without her in my life and look how I was handling it. Lowering my head, I sighed. This was one of those share your feelings conversations, and I was having a little trouble with the sharing.
"Do you ever think that... If we'd met up that night, things would be different?"
"All the time," I said immediately. I turned my head to look directly at her. Did I think about that? God, yes. She had no idea how much I thought about that. "Cordy, there is a day that night doesn't cross my mind."
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