How do things go so wrong so fast?
"Ok, look, let me say this. I love you, son."
"It's a lie."
"It's not."
"It's always a lie. My dead mother couldn't even love me."
"You're wrong. She did."
"No. No. She knew she couldn't."
"She sacrificed herself because she loved you."
"You tried to love me. At least I think you did."
"I still do."
"But not enough to hang on, dad. You let him take me. You let him get me. You let him get me. Cordy... you swore you loved me. Where are you now?"
"Connor... you have to believe that there are people who love you."
"Jasmine believed you when you said you loved her, but it was all a lie."
"Jasmine was the lie."
"No! She knew if you found out who she really was that you'd turn against her, and she was right. That's just what happened. People like you. People like this. None of you deserve what she could give you. She wanted to give you everything."
"I know how that feels. 'Cause I want to give you everything. I want to take back the mistakes, help you start over."
"We can't start over."
"We can. I mean, we can change things."
"There's only one thing that ever changes anything... and that's death. Everything else is just a lie. You can't be saved by a lie. You can't be saved at all."
"I really do love you, Connor."
"So what are you gonna do about it?"
"Prove it."
As much as I cringed at the idea of shopping with Cordelia, I'd so rather be out with her right now. Instead, I was back up in my penthouse trying to not think about the day that I'd thought about every single day since I came to Wolfram and Hart. Hell, Cordelia had even given me permission to brood for a while. That day had been the day that had changed my world and turned it upside down..again. It had been the day I'd given up the one thing I love more than anything in this world. He'd been so..so lost and confused. There were times when I could just close my eyes and still see his face. Plus, there had been all of the anger, hatred, and resentment towards me that he was feeling.
Once I reached the room, I poured myself a somewhat large drink and fell onto the couch. The drink was over half gone in just a few swallows. I hadn't inteneded on getting drunk when I'd come up here, but why the hell not. Maybe it would take some of the pain away. Just when I thought today had started out right, he had to walk back into my life. Cordelia was alive. Alive. Why couldn't I simply focus on that fact and forget about the rest?
Sighing, I finished off the drink and stared into the empty glass. I turned the glass in my hand and watched as the leftover amber liquid rolled around the edge on the bottom of the glass. Gripping it hard in my hand, I finally sat it down on a table and sat back on the couch, staring. How had this even happened? The deal was to get Connor out of this city and away from me. I'd only ever caused him grief, and he obviously was doing so much better not knowing who I was. Well, until now that is.
The fact that I'd disappointed Connor even after giving him up only made things ten times worse. It was a loud and clear signal that being around him at all was a bad idea. When Connor had turned to leave the office, I wanted to call back to him and offer him any job he wanted. It would have been selfish though. The possibility of pleasing him by something I could do..that's all I'd ever wanted. Plus, there was the fact that I'd possibly get to see him everyday.
Shaking my head, I stood and grabbed the glass that sat on the table. I made my way over to get another drink, but stopped short when I walked past the bed. The bed where Cordy would be sleeping later tonight. I stared at it for a moment before walking to the bar again. Opting against another drink, I sat the glass down and went to sit on the side of the bed. How was this supposed to work again? Sure, I'd said that I would sleep on the couch, but still. Things were never as simple as they seemed.
Things were never as simple as they used to be.
Sighing heavily, I hung my head and was distracted when I saw the light on my phone blinking. I almost decided against checking the message, but thought maybe I could use a distraction for a thirty second message. Holding the phone to my ear, I pressed a few numbers and waited impatiently for the message to start. I frowned then froze when I heard Wesley's voice. They..mugged? Couldn't Harmony have been a bit more specific when she said it was a 'life or death situation'.
I stood and paced the room for a minute or so. Cordelia had gone over to see what Wes had wanted. Should I see if they needed my help? The children had to be so scared. I clenched my fists and promised myself I'd find the bastard who did this and use one of our own lawyers to put him behind bars and make sure he never saw the light of day again. Killing him would be giving him the easy way out. That was something I knew a little about.
Well, I'd wanted a distraction and got my wish. Although if I could've had a pick - I wouldn't have chosen this. I grabbed my coat and started to head out the door, but stopped. Was rushing over there a good idea? The children had plenty to deal with without me running over there and causing a bigger scene. Dropping the coat on the bed, I picked up the phone and dialed Wesley's apartment. I'd call. I'd call and see if he needed my help.
[Open to Wesley]