Hermione's Journal
Is a letter really a letter if someone doesn't give you the words themselves? Is it a letter if the person wrote the words to you, but didn't get far enough to give them to you? Do those words still have the same meaning if they never get read? Is a letter a love letter if it's signed 'All my love'?
I have to admit, it was a shock having Charlie turn up on my doorstep out of the blue. I've always gotten along really well with Charlie. He's always teased the shit out of me, but I love him for it. I never had siblings. No sisters, no brothers... When Harry and the Weasleys came into my life and we rapidly got closer, it was like my dreams had come true. I had a sister in Ginny. I had all these brothers wanting to watch out for me and care for me. Then I started dating Ron. I love Ron, but I was never really in love with him. I think we were just too close for us ever to have been able to work romantically. We were cheated of the chance to discover the little things about each other, the special things that put a smile on your face, because we already knew each other almost as well as we knew ourselves. Harry felt like a third wheel and Ron and I just never clicked with the love thing, so we broke up...
I have been in every sense part of the Weasley family for years, and I wouldn't change it for the world. At least, I didn't think I ever would... Then Bill came back. I never really had a chance to get to know Bill. He met Fleur when I was still at school and other than being there for family get-togethers, there wasn't much else. But now... well, now he's gone from 'not much else' to just about everything.
Up until last night, I was deluding myself. I see that now. For the first time, here and now, I'll admit I fell in love with Bill Weasley. I wanted him. I wanted to be with him, have a relationship with him, love him... But I was always safe in the knowledge that he would never want that in return. I could love him and be with him and there be no strings. He wanted to continue with his life how it was, and I could continue with mine. It was safe. It was how it should be and I would never need to hurt him with... with...
But none of it matters. When I sat and read his words to me last night, my heart broke all over again. I thought I was picking up the pieces. I was trying to get over it. I was even thinking of asking to be moved to our company's law firm in Newcastle, getting so far as to look at apartments up there. But then Charlie breezes in in all his hyperactive and bright glory and hands me Bill's letter. Words I was never supposed to see! It would've been easier if I hadn't seen it! I could've walked away and not looked back.
Now, I can't. How can I possibly walk away from this... from him? I love him, but I shouldn't love him! He doesn't need me. He can't need me like he thinks he does...
It was a mistake. From what I can gather of things, Bill got accosted by that girl and I walked in at the wrong moment. Why doesn't he hate me for not believing him? Things would be easier if he hated me. I still feel hurt that it happened, but for different reasons now. I wish I didn't have that night with George, but I don't regret it. I needed to feel wanted. I needed to feel like I was more than just a good shag. George briefly made me feel that just being close to someone was okay. But my mind kept going back to Bill.
My mind always keeps going back to Bill... I see now that it was meant to be Bill showing me I was needed and wanted...
Now what? What do I do? What do I say? At the end of the day, I just think we're best parting ways and moving on. No one gets hurt that way. I can love from afar, right? Sure I can...
So why does saying those words out loud hurt so much?