They Call Me Youngwoung [Prologue]
Title: They Call Me Youngwoung
Summary: He lived for him without knowing what living even meant.
Disclaimer: I WANT to own them.
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: Romance, Angst, Smut
Rating: NC17
Length: Chaptered
----
The rain was pouring that night. I couldn’t forget the feel of chilly raindrops crash against my skin. Water was supposed to clean you. Water was supposed to be pure, comforting, a source of life…but when water trickles down with streams of red blood with it, it becomes nothing but a curse.
I was left here because it was believed that being in this slump was my best chance of surviving. I hunched up in a corner of an alley and for the first time, I felt scared.
For the first time.
And believe me, I had been through a lot of bloodcurdling things, most people can’t even imagine. This was the first time i'd been scared.
I could feel the bandages sagging down from my skin. There was one wrapped around my chest and then my arms. I hugged my knees, trying to find warmth as I shivered. My hair was drenched and my eyesight was blurred. I sat, helpless while my mind lingered upon impending doom.
I wasn’t fighting for my life anymore, although I ought to. Dr. Han had saved me. That humble doctor who used to treat me if I had any injuries on missions, he saved me. I wished he never did, because now, I feel obliged to continue living. Continue living because I owe my existence to someone else.
Life was like that right? A series of exchanges, of compromises.
But there was nothing I could do now. It was cold. I was hungry. My wounds, though were previously cleaned, would be infected, it’s only a matter of time. Only a matter of time before my own body runs out of heat. Before my body runs out of nutrients to synthesize. Before I start contracting infections.
It’s only a matter of time before I die.
That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I was useless now anyway. And I was supposed to die in the first place. I was ordered to be disposed of.
16 years wasn’t a short time of existence, and 4 years was enough to live. Wasn’t it?
I stared at the pool of water collecting in front of me. I tried to distract myself but the words I heard from Dr. Han wouldn’t stop ringing in my head.
How could you kill such poor thing for demonstrating some compassion?!
YOU ANIMALS! LET HIM GO! LET HIM LIVE!
HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG!
He fought for me. I couldn’t understand why. What were his points? Were they valid?
I had messed up and it was not his duty to save me. It was my fault. My fault. My fault. My fault for not pulling the trigger.
I closed my eyes, and just like a movie, I watched as it happened all over again.
It was so clear in my head, the mission which led me to my end.
It was supposed to be a simple thing, my mission: get rid of the Lees. I had done it so easily with the others. And things were going as planned.
Until I opened that one door and entered.
I stood in the middle of the room. It was painted in pink, decorated with white polka dots. Although it was dark, I could see the stuffed toys lined along the shelves. A young little girl was crying, hugging her mother.
The rest of their family was dead…silenced by my own hands.
I was already pointing the gun but she kept screaming.
“NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! HAVE YOU NO HEART?!”
I had one! Why would I be capable of breathing, living, if I had none?
The mother cried. Her eyes were sore and her clothes were already stained with blood. I stood there, with the gun pointed.
I was about to pull the trigger. But I heard a timid voice.
The little girl stood up, boldly escaping from here mother’s grasp. She ran to me without fear or hesitation. She ran to me as if I was her savior. She let go of her mother to run to me.
I couldn’t understand her logic. I was so confused.
She let go of her mother and ran to me.
She fucking let go of her mother and ran to me.
Me.
She clung to my legs. Her tears instantly wet my jeans.
“Oppa! Save us from that devil.”
Had she not seen? Had she not understood? Did she not see it reflecting from my eyes? I was that devil. I destroyed them.
“Save us Oppa. Please.”
Here mother was screaming, afraid that I would get aggravated and torture them even more.
I looked down on the girl. Her eyes stared back at me…and despite what I had done, she smiled. That brainless little thing.
“Opppaaaa, please. Oppa, I know you’re kind.”
Kind. How does one get to be called kind?
I felt something warm dab the side of my cheeks. It came from my eyes, I knew what they were. Tears. They were tears. And they hurt. Inside, they hurt.
I swallowed an invisible lump in my throat and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. My fingers were too weak, they were trembling as I let go of the gun in my hands.
And then I ran.
When I came back…or rather, when they caught me, everyone else said there was something wrong with me.
Was I broken now? Will I ever get fixed? Had something in my system gone out of order? Why was water coming down from my eyes? Why wouldn’t they stop running down my cheeks? Why was I hurting? Why couldn’t I breathe? Why did I long to hold that little girl? Why did I feel like I wanted to hurt myself? Why did I not pull the trigger? Surely. Surely something was wrong with me.
Something was wrong.
I felt my eyelids droop. So soon my body was giving up on me. I was too tired to stay awake, but I couldn’t anymore it was too excruciating. I wanted an escape, and that escape only meant closing my eyes and letting myself drift into unconsciousness.
But as I would be getting relief from this agonizing reality, I was also going to be vulnerable to the dangers of the outside word.
I kept on staring at the puddle in front of me.
Tap tap tap.
I watched as they fell. Everything felt slower and slower and gradually, the rain drops blurred away, and soon, I had completely lost sight. I gave in. I gave in to the pain and I closed my eyes.
Would I ever wake up again?
---
The stinging pain from my side was the cause of my consciousness; it wasn’t the bright sun or the noise from the people walking past the small opening of the alley corner where I lied.
My stomach grumbled. My head felt like it was being drilled by screw drivers. My wounds, I couldn’t even describe how they were hurting. I used an ounce of strength to lift my hand. I examined it. Blood, I was still bleeding.
The last sight I remembered was the blue sky and the sun’s rays slipping through the gap between the roofs of the alleyway. I closed my eyes again.
---
Had it been weeks? Days? Hours of me lying here? I had lost sense of time. It didn’t matter whether it was the stark of midnight or the heat of noon, my eyes were most of the time closed. I only opened them to once in a while remind myself that I was still in the world of the living.
Or to see if I had finally ended up in hell.
I kept trying to fall asleep, hoping that maybe once, maybe once from all my attempts of opening my eyes…there would be one reality I’d wake up to wherein everything was still the same. Wherein I wasn’t in so much ache. Wherein I wasn’t alone with no sense of purpose.
Back home I didn’t have time to think of myself. I knew who I was.
I was Youngwoong and that was enough. It was really really enough. At least, even though I had no family like the rest of the people, I had a name.
I had no possessions, but I had a name.
I had no friends, but I had a name.
My name, my identity. It was all I had.
But now, I wasn’t even Youngwoong.
I closed my eyes again.
I wasn’t even Youngwoong, even that God had taken away from me.
“Hyung!”
A high pitched, almost deafening, voice greeted me.
I felt a blunt object poke my sides.
I winced in pain, but I did not open my eyes. These bastards.
“He moved, Chunnie!”
If I hadn’t been immobilized I would’ve lounged at him for insulting me.
“Don’t poke him you fool!” I heard another one. “He’s a human being! A hurt one for that matter! God you’re so stupid Junsu!" He shook his head "HYUUUUNNGGG!”
“Yunho hyung!”
“Yunho hyung, come here! Faster! Faster!”
With all the strength I could muster up, I opened my eyes and propped my elbow to help me sit up. I could tell that they looked in complete awe as I moved.
“He’s alive!”
“Junsu! Shut your mouth, can you get any more insensitive?”
There were two bodies blocking my vision, as my eyes regained their focus, I could see a figure through the gap between the annoying cretins’ legs.
And there, I saw him. A tall figure, his hair was short, and a little bit spiky. His eyes, round, eliciting both surprise and irritation.
“What the hell are you two doing?”
I heard him shout and the two bodies moved away. Now all I could see was him and his small oval face coming towards me. He paused.
Disgust? Shock?
I could see him swallow, and he shivered a little at my sight. I could tell he was scared, if not disturbed. I was bloody, dirty, pale, who wouldn’t be?
“Hyung we have to help him!”
“Are you trying to get us in trouble? Move away! We should leave.”
I don’t think I ever felt so disregarded in my life.
“Hyung, he’s sick…he could die here.”
“He is none of our business”
I couldn’t watch them completely, but I could see their legs moving, this hyung was trying to pull the other two away.
“Yoochun-ah! Junsu-yah! We’re going to get in trouble! Let’s go back!”
He didn’t even bend down to look at me. Had he even acknowledged me as a person? Or was I in such a bad shape that I looked like rubbish?
I couldn’t make out what they were mumbling, but soon, I saw them leave.
It aggravated me. How dare he, how dare that idiot boy ignore my existence.
Despite being so weak I could barely breathe, some profound heat radiated through my body. My hands which lay on the ground clenched to pick up a hand fool of wet, sloppy soil and dirt meshed by the rain.
I grabbed a handful and threw it at him. If I would die here alone, I wouldn’t die without the satisfaction of getting back at this hyung, even in the smallest way possible.
It hit his lower leg, and startled, he looked at his feet.
He turned back to me. I expected him to be angry, to hit me, to bring even more damage but instead, I saw his feet calmly walk back.
This hyung bent down, and for the first time, his eyes met mine. He looked at me, with the most sincere pair of orbs I’ve seen. They were deep, I didn’t understand the feeling emanating from them.
He was so near me and I could feel his hot breath tickle my skin. For the first time, warmth. I felt warmth. He raised his hands slowly. I wanted to run from his fingers which were coming to touch my face but I couldn’t move any longer.
He touched the side of my cheek.
And with that one touch.
With that one touch, he managed to break one more part of me.
Something in me shattered. That welling pain started seeping out from a part of me which I never thought I had. It hurt again from the inside. Unlike my other injuries, this pain was burning from inside out instead of the other way around.
My eyes, they started to bleed, to bleed water. Tears.
I was crying again. I didn’t want to, but water wouldn’t stop overflowing from my eyelids.
He broke me. He broke probably the last of what I had.
---
A/N: Okay. Someone has to stop me from writing new fics. Anywayy, this was born of that one shot I wrote ages ago. They have the same title even. But they are not connected whatsoever. :)
Summary: He lived for him without knowing what living even meant.
Disclaimer: I WANT to own them.
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: Romance, Angst, Smut
Rating: NC17
Length: Chaptered
----
The rain was pouring that night. I couldn’t forget the feel of chilly raindrops crash against my skin. Water was supposed to clean you. Water was supposed to be pure, comforting, a source of life…but when water trickles down with streams of red blood with it, it becomes nothing but a curse.
I was left here because it was believed that being in this slump was my best chance of surviving. I hunched up in a corner of an alley and for the first time, I felt scared.
For the first time.
And believe me, I had been through a lot of bloodcurdling things, most people can’t even imagine. This was the first time i'd been scared.
I could feel the bandages sagging down from my skin. There was one wrapped around my chest and then my arms. I hugged my knees, trying to find warmth as I shivered. My hair was drenched and my eyesight was blurred. I sat, helpless while my mind lingered upon impending doom.
I wasn’t fighting for my life anymore, although I ought to. Dr. Han had saved me. That humble doctor who used to treat me if I had any injuries on missions, he saved me. I wished he never did, because now, I feel obliged to continue living. Continue living because I owe my existence to someone else.
Life was like that right? A series of exchanges, of compromises.
But there was nothing I could do now. It was cold. I was hungry. My wounds, though were previously cleaned, would be infected, it’s only a matter of time. Only a matter of time before my own body runs out of heat. Before my body runs out of nutrients to synthesize. Before I start contracting infections.
It’s only a matter of time before I die.
That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I was useless now anyway. And I was supposed to die in the first place. I was ordered to be disposed of.
16 years wasn’t a short time of existence, and 4 years was enough to live. Wasn’t it?
I stared at the pool of water collecting in front of me. I tried to distract myself but the words I heard from Dr. Han wouldn’t stop ringing in my head.
How could you kill such poor thing for demonstrating some compassion?!
YOU ANIMALS! LET HIM GO! LET HIM LIVE!
HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG!
He fought for me. I couldn’t understand why. What were his points? Were they valid?
I had messed up and it was not his duty to save me. It was my fault. My fault. My fault. My fault for not pulling the trigger.
I closed my eyes, and just like a movie, I watched as it happened all over again.
It was so clear in my head, the mission which led me to my end.
It was supposed to be a simple thing, my mission: get rid of the Lees. I had done it so easily with the others. And things were going as planned.
Until I opened that one door and entered.
I stood in the middle of the room. It was painted in pink, decorated with white polka dots. Although it was dark, I could see the stuffed toys lined along the shelves. A young little girl was crying, hugging her mother.
The rest of their family was dead…silenced by my own hands.
I was already pointing the gun but she kept screaming.
“NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! HAVE YOU NO HEART?!”
I had one! Why would I be capable of breathing, living, if I had none?
The mother cried. Her eyes were sore and her clothes were already stained with blood. I stood there, with the gun pointed.
I was about to pull the trigger. But I heard a timid voice.
The little girl stood up, boldly escaping from here mother’s grasp. She ran to me without fear or hesitation. She ran to me as if I was her savior. She let go of her mother to run to me.
I couldn’t understand her logic. I was so confused.
She let go of her mother and ran to me.
She fucking let go of her mother and ran to me.
Me.
She clung to my legs. Her tears instantly wet my jeans.
“Oppa! Save us from that devil.”
Had she not seen? Had she not understood? Did she not see it reflecting from my eyes? I was that devil. I destroyed them.
“Save us Oppa. Please.”
Here mother was screaming, afraid that I would get aggravated and torture them even more.
I looked down on the girl. Her eyes stared back at me…and despite what I had done, she smiled. That brainless little thing.
“Opppaaaa, please. Oppa, I know you’re kind.”
Kind. How does one get to be called kind?
I felt something warm dab the side of my cheeks. It came from my eyes, I knew what they were. Tears. They were tears. And they hurt. Inside, they hurt.
I swallowed an invisible lump in my throat and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. My fingers were too weak, they were trembling as I let go of the gun in my hands.
And then I ran.
When I came back…or rather, when they caught me, everyone else said there was something wrong with me.
Was I broken now? Will I ever get fixed? Had something in my system gone out of order? Why was water coming down from my eyes? Why wouldn’t they stop running down my cheeks? Why was I hurting? Why couldn’t I breathe? Why did I long to hold that little girl? Why did I feel like I wanted to hurt myself? Why did I not pull the trigger? Surely. Surely something was wrong with me.
Something was wrong.
I felt my eyelids droop. So soon my body was giving up on me. I was too tired to stay awake, but I couldn’t anymore it was too excruciating. I wanted an escape, and that escape only meant closing my eyes and letting myself drift into unconsciousness.
But as I would be getting relief from this agonizing reality, I was also going to be vulnerable to the dangers of the outside word.
I kept on staring at the puddle in front of me.
Tap tap tap.
I watched as they fell. Everything felt slower and slower and gradually, the rain drops blurred away, and soon, I had completely lost sight. I gave in. I gave in to the pain and I closed my eyes.
Would I ever wake up again?
---
The stinging pain from my side was the cause of my consciousness; it wasn’t the bright sun or the noise from the people walking past the small opening of the alley corner where I lied.
My stomach grumbled. My head felt like it was being drilled by screw drivers. My wounds, I couldn’t even describe how they were hurting. I used an ounce of strength to lift my hand. I examined it. Blood, I was still bleeding.
The last sight I remembered was the blue sky and the sun’s rays slipping through the gap between the roofs of the alleyway. I closed my eyes again.
---
Had it been weeks? Days? Hours of me lying here? I had lost sense of time. It didn’t matter whether it was the stark of midnight or the heat of noon, my eyes were most of the time closed. I only opened them to once in a while remind myself that I was still in the world of the living.
Or to see if I had finally ended up in hell.
I kept trying to fall asleep, hoping that maybe once, maybe once from all my attempts of opening my eyes…there would be one reality I’d wake up to wherein everything was still the same. Wherein I wasn’t in so much ache. Wherein I wasn’t alone with no sense of purpose.
Back home I didn’t have time to think of myself. I knew who I was.
I was Youngwoong and that was enough. It was really really enough. At least, even though I had no family like the rest of the people, I had a name.
I had no possessions, but I had a name.
I had no friends, but I had a name.
My name, my identity. It was all I had.
But now, I wasn’t even Youngwoong.
I closed my eyes again.
I wasn’t even Youngwoong, even that God had taken away from me.
“Hyung!”
A high pitched, almost deafening, voice greeted me.
I felt a blunt object poke my sides.
I winced in pain, but I did not open my eyes. These bastards.
“He moved, Chunnie!”
If I hadn’t been immobilized I would’ve lounged at him for insulting me.
“Don’t poke him you fool!” I heard another one. “He’s a human being! A hurt one for that matter! God you’re so stupid Junsu!" He shook his head "HYUUUUNNGGG!”
“Yunho hyung!”
“Yunho hyung, come here! Faster! Faster!”
With all the strength I could muster up, I opened my eyes and propped my elbow to help me sit up. I could tell that they looked in complete awe as I moved.
“He’s alive!”
“Junsu! Shut your mouth, can you get any more insensitive?”
There were two bodies blocking my vision, as my eyes regained their focus, I could see a figure through the gap between the annoying cretins’ legs.
And there, I saw him. A tall figure, his hair was short, and a little bit spiky. His eyes, round, eliciting both surprise and irritation.
“What the hell are you two doing?”
I heard him shout and the two bodies moved away. Now all I could see was him and his small oval face coming towards me. He paused.
Disgust? Shock?
I could see him swallow, and he shivered a little at my sight. I could tell he was scared, if not disturbed. I was bloody, dirty, pale, who wouldn’t be?
“Hyung we have to help him!”
“Are you trying to get us in trouble? Move away! We should leave.”
I don’t think I ever felt so disregarded in my life.
“Hyung, he’s sick…he could die here.”
“He is none of our business”
I couldn’t watch them completely, but I could see their legs moving, this hyung was trying to pull the other two away.
“Yoochun-ah! Junsu-yah! We’re going to get in trouble! Let’s go back!”
He didn’t even bend down to look at me. Had he even acknowledged me as a person? Or was I in such a bad shape that I looked like rubbish?
I couldn’t make out what they were mumbling, but soon, I saw them leave.
It aggravated me. How dare he, how dare that idiot boy ignore my existence.
Despite being so weak I could barely breathe, some profound heat radiated through my body. My hands which lay on the ground clenched to pick up a hand fool of wet, sloppy soil and dirt meshed by the rain.
I grabbed a handful and threw it at him. If I would die here alone, I wouldn’t die without the satisfaction of getting back at this hyung, even in the smallest way possible.
It hit his lower leg, and startled, he looked at his feet.
He turned back to me. I expected him to be angry, to hit me, to bring even more damage but instead, I saw his feet calmly walk back.
This hyung bent down, and for the first time, his eyes met mine. He looked at me, with the most sincere pair of orbs I’ve seen. They were deep, I didn’t understand the feeling emanating from them.
He was so near me and I could feel his hot breath tickle my skin. For the first time, warmth. I felt warmth. He raised his hands slowly. I wanted to run from his fingers which were coming to touch my face but I couldn’t move any longer.
He touched the side of my cheek.
And with that one touch.
With that one touch, he managed to break one more part of me.
Something in me shattered. That welling pain started seeping out from a part of me which I never thought I had. It hurt again from the inside. Unlike my other injuries, this pain was burning from inside out instead of the other way around.
My eyes, they started to bleed, to bleed water. Tears.
I was crying again. I didn’t want to, but water wouldn’t stop overflowing from my eyelids.
He broke me. He broke probably the last of what I had.
---
A/N: Okay. Someone has to stop me from writing new fics. Anywayy, this was born of that one shot I wrote ages ago. They have the same title even. But they are not connected whatsoever. :)