Where-in There is Scott and Happiness
Fall break was amazing. I went down to Georgia to see my aunt and uncle (the ones who actually gave a shit when I was living in the motel), and I had such a good time. I ended up spending a lot of time back in a middle school (scary!), but we also did a lot of fun things (read: shopping). For one, we went back to Humpus Bumpus, which just happens to be the coolest bookstore ever. My aunt got me a bouncing glittery penguin from BJ's so I could decorate my room for a holiday that isn't Halloween. Then we went to the mall, and I got a little crazy in FYE. I bought Matt Nathanson "Some Mad Hope", Nickelback "Dark Horse", Fall Out Boy "Infinity on High", Hoobastank "Every Man For Himself", Liz Phair "Liz Phair" (for, like, the second or third time lol), and the movie Hocus Pocus. So. Much. Goodness. *_*
That wasn't the best part of my trip, though. That was when I went to Knoxville. For the first time since 2005 (Scott died in 2004), I was able to visit his grave. It's right there in front of my grandparents, and around all kinds of family that I never knew. I was afraid I would lose it, but I was actually very calm. There was no falling to the ground, crying, begging God to let me stay with Scott like the last time. I stood there, felt slightly awkward about not doing more, and just felt good because for the first time in four years we were actually close together. It sounds silly to say that I needed to drive 4 hours to feel close to someone that I can't even see, but I needed it. I didn't stay long.
Then I went to what used to be Chop's Grill (it's The Chop House now) to see if they had held true on their promise to make "Scotty's Kitchen." They hadn't. But there were several people there that had been there when Scott was, somehow. I asked this nice manager, Angie, and she went to the back and brought me Scott's coat.
I have been wanting Scott's Elmer Fudd coat since before we gave it to them. The workers at the time came and asked my parents if they could have it to make a sort of shrine to Scott in the kitchen. I told Mom that no, I wanted it, but she told me I was being selfish. That he would be remembered better this way. I have been scared ever since we handed it to them that someone would steal it or throw it away. However, by some miracle, it was still there five years later. The cooks and managers use it to go outside to smoke and to go into the freezer. As happy as that made me to know that it was still used, I was selfish, and I took it back. I mean, they weren't using it in the shrine, and people can go buy their own coats. I need Scott's because I don't have much of my brother's. When I got it? God. The moment I saw the coat and Angie handed it to me, I felt this huge rush of relief. The feeling was like, Scott's really still there, you know. I held it, and I felt him. I haven't felt Scott in years.
I immediately started to cry, and Angie comforted me. She told me that Rufus, this awesome black guy that had been Scott's bff way back, had been transferred from CA a few years ago and he was there that night. That he and her were going to put pictures of Scott together for me, and email them to me because I only have 3 pictures of him alive. Three. I thanked her from the bottom of my heart, and apologized because I didn't really have the money to eat there.
Then that amazingly nice lady said she'd feed Shannon and I for free. She said it hadn't taken her long to figure out why I was there because she could see the resemblance. I was confused because Scott and I were complete opposites physically, but she said, "Even if your immediate family can't tell, I look at the area around your eyes and you two are just the same. It's like looking at his face, and it gives me the chills."
We were seated, and then, after awhile, Rufus came out to see me. I have never felt closer to my brother since he died than when I got to hold his coat and hug Rufus. Rufus is the sweetest man you'll ever meet. And come on! He's a black guy named Rufus. What's not to love?
I finished my meal, thanked everyone, and then Shan and I drove around Gay Street and the Women's Basketball National Hall of Fame. We blared "Something in Your Mouth" by Nickelback, and then started back home.
I held Scott's jacket, and felt close to him and God. I started crying because I have never felt this happy since Scott died. Sure, I've been excited or interested or temporarily happy, but this kind of happy is rare. My heart felt full and I felt blessed and I felt God and I prayed and I just couldn't get over how perfect everything was. I felt... healed, I guess. Everything felt right. Nothing could be so right without the hands of God.
The world would be such a better place if people could have 5 years of worry truly melted off them in the span of two hours. I visited my brother, I got to hang out where he spent all his time (the kitchen is still off, btw, and the other managers say it'll never run so well again -- people need Scott, it's a fact), I was able to see our buddy Rufus, and I finally got my brother's coat back. It's in good hands now, and I get to feel my brother's presence. I didn't ever realize I was missing it until Saturday.
I am good. God loves me. I will not ever be apart from my brother again. He is with me.
That wasn't the best part of my trip, though. That was when I went to Knoxville. For the first time since 2005 (Scott died in 2004), I was able to visit his grave. It's right there in front of my grandparents, and around all kinds of family that I never knew. I was afraid I would lose it, but I was actually very calm. There was no falling to the ground, crying, begging God to let me stay with Scott like the last time. I stood there, felt slightly awkward about not doing more, and just felt good because for the first time in four years we were actually close together. It sounds silly to say that I needed to drive 4 hours to feel close to someone that I can't even see, but I needed it. I didn't stay long.
Then I went to what used to be Chop's Grill (it's The Chop House now) to see if they had held true on their promise to make "Scotty's Kitchen." They hadn't. But there were several people there that had been there when Scott was, somehow. I asked this nice manager, Angie, and she went to the back and brought me Scott's coat.
I have been wanting Scott's Elmer Fudd coat since before we gave it to them. The workers at the time came and asked my parents if they could have it to make a sort of shrine to Scott in the kitchen. I told Mom that no, I wanted it, but she told me I was being selfish. That he would be remembered better this way. I have been scared ever since we handed it to them that someone would steal it or throw it away. However, by some miracle, it was still there five years later. The cooks and managers use it to go outside to smoke and to go into the freezer. As happy as that made me to know that it was still used, I was selfish, and I took it back. I mean, they weren't using it in the shrine, and people can go buy their own coats. I need Scott's because I don't have much of my brother's. When I got it? God. The moment I saw the coat and Angie handed it to me, I felt this huge rush of relief. The feeling was like, Scott's really still there, you know. I held it, and I felt him. I haven't felt Scott in years.
I immediately started to cry, and Angie comforted me. She told me that Rufus, this awesome black guy that had been Scott's bff way back, had been transferred from CA a few years ago and he was there that night. That he and her were going to put pictures of Scott together for me, and email them to me because I only have 3 pictures of him alive. Three. I thanked her from the bottom of my heart, and apologized because I didn't really have the money to eat there.
Then that amazingly nice lady said she'd feed Shannon and I for free. She said it hadn't taken her long to figure out why I was there because she could see the resemblance. I was confused because Scott and I were complete opposites physically, but she said, "Even if your immediate family can't tell, I look at the area around your eyes and you two are just the same. It's like looking at his face, and it gives me the chills."
We were seated, and then, after awhile, Rufus came out to see me. I have never felt closer to my brother since he died than when I got to hold his coat and hug Rufus. Rufus is the sweetest man you'll ever meet. And come on! He's a black guy named Rufus. What's not to love?
I finished my meal, thanked everyone, and then Shan and I drove around Gay Street and the Women's Basketball National Hall of Fame. We blared "Something in Your Mouth" by Nickelback, and then started back home.
I held Scott's jacket, and felt close to him and God. I started crying because I have never felt this happy since Scott died. Sure, I've been excited or interested or temporarily happy, but this kind of happy is rare. My heart felt full and I felt blessed and I felt God and I prayed and I just couldn't get over how perfect everything was. I felt... healed, I guess. Everything felt right. Nothing could be so right without the hands of God.
The world would be such a better place if people could have 5 years of worry truly melted off them in the span of two hours. I visited my brother, I got to hang out where he spent all his time (the kitchen is still off, btw, and the other managers say it'll never run so well again -- people need Scott, it's a fact), I was able to see our buddy Rufus, and I finally got my brother's coat back. It's in good hands now, and I get to feel my brother's presence. I didn't ever realize I was missing it until Saturday.
I am good. God loves me. I will not ever be apart from my brother again. He is with me.