almost there...
We're almost done with the pregnancy.
Last summer when I first thought I was pregnant, I saw it in so many ways... sleepless nights, but a baby to cuddle! lost intimacy, but a child to love... it's so strange. I know that my life is changing in the biggest way possible, and the change could come any day.
Phil's been so back and forth between excited and nervous and now he's all excitement. He's nesting, he's working hard on the baby room, he's looking to the future, he's planning our hospital stay and what he wants to do with the baby and all these ways to stimulate it and help it grow and make it happy... he's so in love with this child already.
He's scared that he won't be a good enough dad. He's scared that he'll be like his dad and not spend enough time with our little ones.
However, in the past week or so, all he's been feeling/expressing is excitement.
I don't honestly know where I stand... I've been getting kinda depressed the last little while, and not for any good reason. Same old stories I suppose. I'm excited for the baby and all this makes me happy, but I know that it's a huge change, and I guess I'm just a little scared.
I've been looking forward to this all my life, and now it's here, and it doesn't feel real. Me, a mom? I want so much to be a good mom, but I'm so self absorbed... and I'm depressed already, and I don't even have the baby. What's post-partum going to do to me?
I've been holding my head above water, and it's really helped that mom all of a sudden got interested in me again... I think Oma said something to her. I mentioned to Oma that I was glad mom was coming out cuz I feel like she doesn't really know anything about my life, she's only seen my house once and not at all since we moved in, and she's never been to my church, and these are all things that I think she'd enjoy... I think Oma told mom cuz like two days later mom called me and actually asked a bunch of questions about how things are going with me.
It was nice.
It's not that mom doesn't care, I know, but usually when we talk we spend 90% of the conversation talking about her problems and worries and all that. It's been that way since before daddy passed. I love having her lean on me, but lately I've been watching Lee with her family and it makes me jealous, cuz Ma does so much and is so involved, and my mom could hardly be bothered to ask about my day before getting my advice on this or that.
I'm sure it hasn't been that bad, but I'm all preggo and emotional and it felt like that for a while.
I've just felt so alone. Everyone's so busy with their lives, and I'm so busy with mine... Phil's there, obviously, but I didn't marry him cuz he's some capable, take-charge guy, I married him cuz he's earnest and lovable and cuz I can't imagine being without him. Sometimes I wished my mom would come around and take charge again, just for a little while. It would make me feel like I have a safety net, there's something to fall back on.
I'm feeling better now, I really am. I just had all that inside me for so long, and I can't find my current journal and I so hate starting a new one without finishing the old one...
It's so close now... and really, I just feel confused.
and lots of love for the baby. I love it and I don't even know if it's a boy or girl yet!
lol.
Phil's knocking, I'm gonna go spend time with him. But I'll be back.
Last summer when I first thought I was pregnant, I saw it in so many ways... sleepless nights, but a baby to cuddle! lost intimacy, but a child to love... it's so strange. I know that my life is changing in the biggest way possible, and the change could come any day.
Phil's been so back and forth between excited and nervous and now he's all excitement. He's nesting, he's working hard on the baby room, he's looking to the future, he's planning our hospital stay and what he wants to do with the baby and all these ways to stimulate it and help it grow and make it happy... he's so in love with this child already.
He's scared that he won't be a good enough dad. He's scared that he'll be like his dad and not spend enough time with our little ones.
However, in the past week or so, all he's been feeling/expressing is excitement.
I don't honestly know where I stand... I've been getting kinda depressed the last little while, and not for any good reason. Same old stories I suppose. I'm excited for the baby and all this makes me happy, but I know that it's a huge change, and I guess I'm just a little scared.
I've been looking forward to this all my life, and now it's here, and it doesn't feel real. Me, a mom? I want so much to be a good mom, but I'm so self absorbed... and I'm depressed already, and I don't even have the baby. What's post-partum going to do to me?
I've been holding my head above water, and it's really helped that mom all of a sudden got interested in me again... I think Oma said something to her. I mentioned to Oma that I was glad mom was coming out cuz I feel like she doesn't really know anything about my life, she's only seen my house once and not at all since we moved in, and she's never been to my church, and these are all things that I think she'd enjoy... I think Oma told mom cuz like two days later mom called me and actually asked a bunch of questions about how things are going with me.
It was nice.
It's not that mom doesn't care, I know, but usually when we talk we spend 90% of the conversation talking about her problems and worries and all that. It's been that way since before daddy passed. I love having her lean on me, but lately I've been watching Lee with her family and it makes me jealous, cuz Ma does so much and is so involved, and my mom could hardly be bothered to ask about my day before getting my advice on this or that.
I'm sure it hasn't been that bad, but I'm all preggo and emotional and it felt like that for a while.
I've just felt so alone. Everyone's so busy with their lives, and I'm so busy with mine... Phil's there, obviously, but I didn't marry him cuz he's some capable, take-charge guy, I married him cuz he's earnest and lovable and cuz I can't imagine being without him. Sometimes I wished my mom would come around and take charge again, just for a little while. It would make me feel like I have a safety net, there's something to fall back on.
I'm feeling better now, I really am. I just had all that inside me for so long, and I can't find my current journal and I so hate starting a new one without finishing the old one...
It's so close now... and really, I just feel confused.
and lots of love for the baby. I love it and I don't even know if it's a boy or girl yet!
lol.
Phil's knocking, I'm gonna go spend time with him. But I'll be back.