Personals sites & Russian Dating Scams
Now that I'm alone in this house, and I've pretty much got my day-to-day life back together again, I'm trying to meet some women and date a little. Maybe date as much as I can, actually ... I've got more than a decade of rust to scrape off my dating technique.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to try the online route -- escpecially as that method has suddenly seemed to work out to such an astonishing degree for my glorious friend gazehound. As a pragmatist, I must always have a GREAT respect for anything that has been shown to actually work!
On the other hand, I am a Nice Guy. Precisely the kind that American women avoid, right? (Because we are not a "challenge", we are "too easy", etc. I've heard it all a million times. We ALSO happen to be the kind that make the very best fathers, but I guess most American women don't care about that, eh?) In any case, as an honorable man, I am certainly not going to misrepresent myself, and I am very curious whether American women in their late 30's change their minds about the desirability of the kind of smooth, drama-free, quiet, loving relationship that Nice Guys can provide. So I posted myself online as a blatantly Nice Guy -- and I am really curious what (if any) response I might get. I mean, none of us my age are as cute as we used to be, either. (I'll make an exception for birthdaygirl gazehound!)
After a week of sending very nice little e-notes (one skill I am quite proud of is my ability to write excellent email) to all my most interesting "matches", I got basically nada back. *
I did get an email on this personals site from a Russian girl, expressing interest. After a week of nada, I was bored (and a little discouraged), and I decided just for the halibut that I'd write the Russian girl back, just to see what the heck that was like. Whether Russian girls maybe really like Nice Guys, or something.
Now, THAT was quite an experience ... but not quite exactly the experience I was intending. I wasn't sure if it was for real, all along -- and I spent a week trading emails. The english in the emails was only fair. And (as a guy) when you KNOW that there is a huge language barrier, you make allowances, and give lots of "benefit of the doubt". Trying to start up such an extreme version of an LDR is obviously fraught, and any guy with sense is going to go into it assuming that everyone involved needs to put in a little extra understanding ... if anything is EVER going to work.
Wellllll, it turns out this one was a scam, and that's one of the things the scammers are counting on. Another thing they count on is some very interesting psychology! That's the part that I'm most fascinated by. Just how targeted are these "Russian dating scam" emails? I am still unsure about the answer to that question. Because the series of email letters sent is 95% pre-written. The scammer adds 5% to most of the letters in the form of a little bit of personalized, specialized detail. That is, they put in a few quick made-up answers to a few of your questions.
It's the 95% pre-written part that amazes me, though. As I said, it is NOT well-written english. But even that has an interesting component. It conveys an impression of having been written by a very emotional, somewhat more than averagely intelligent, very communicative, trusting, wide-open ingenue. The writing style is FASCINATING. The "person" writing the email KNOWS they are making mistakes in their english, and they are far more concerned with communicating than they are with perfection. They just let the words and sentences fly; verbally letting it all hang out. Trusting you to understand the intent, rather than the exact words. And one rather pretty picture gets sent along with each email.
... But the FACT is, that the personality displayed in these emails is so overwhelmingly enticing that men will send thousands of dollars to the scammer, just to (supposedly) experience the pleasure of meeting them ONCE, for a few weeks. With a promise of a relationship, and an expectation of a marriage to come.
Who says American men won't commit? THESE guys sure will!
After learning what I have about the reality of all of this, here is my condensation:
1. It turns out that current policy won't allow US travel visas to single russian women, unless they HAVE ALREADY MET THE GUY (and can PROVE IT!), and they both say that they are engaged, and a Russian woman ONLY GETS TO DO THIS ONCE (most likely -- although that is never fully spelled out). (It's called a K-1 visa.)
I think this policy is stupid, myself. I'd much rather have a whole bunch of well educated russian women (with TEN YEARS each of education in english for god's sake!) here as "illegal immigrants" than I would a bunch of mexican migrant farm workers. Even just economically, they'd be worth ten times as much. The policy exists specifically to prevent such a catastrophic wave of pretty single russian illegal immigrant women into the US.
2. Russians have to PAY for their EMAIL!!! They also don't have credit cards to be able to even pay for the application fee for personals websites. So, at this point in history, no REAL russian woman is going to be cruising personals sites, and sending off large numbers of hopeful contact emails.
3. If you get contacted, there are "russian dating blacklist" sites, that list out the "names" that are used by all the known scammers. Including letters and "pictures". The pictures are of various pretty russian girls and models and hopeful models, of course. The website I spent an afternoon reading was http://www.womenrussia.com
4. If you get contacted, and think it might be for real, there are suggestions: ASK FOR A PHONE NUMBER AND POSTAL ADDRESS IMMEDIATELY. Then send a real paper letter to the address. Also tell the woman to write in russian, and you get it translated yourself. Later, you can get your own translated before sending 'em. There are professional translation services that do smoochy letters.
5. Real russian women are not like the personality in the scam emails, AT ALL! They are very guarded with their feelings. Very reserved. They write about their thoughts, not about how they feel. Real cold fish, in other words. The claim is, they open up a little bit after they've met you and formed an emotional bond. Heh. Try it if you're brave! I'm certainly not walking down THAT road!
6. For now, especially because of what I said in (2.) above -- there are only 2 ways to contact real russian women. One is through "marriage agencies". The women put their info on the sites with only a "what the hell, this might work, maybe" attitude. The other way to meet them is to spend 4 grand, go to Russia, and attend "socials".
Either way, if you write them -- to try to get a relationship going, they won't be able to believe it's actually real. And NO, they don't give you any breaks, or the benefit of the doubt, generally. Because they don't expect it to work, and they aren't putting effort into TRYING to make it work.
* I did get a somewhat more promising contact the second week, from a woman that I did not contact first. ;)
So, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to try the online route -- escpecially as that method has suddenly seemed to work out to such an astonishing degree for my glorious friend gazehound. As a pragmatist, I must always have a GREAT respect for anything that has been shown to actually work!
On the other hand, I am a Nice Guy. Precisely the kind that American women avoid, right? (Because we are not a "challenge", we are "too easy", etc. I've heard it all a million times. We ALSO happen to be the kind that make the very best fathers, but I guess most American women don't care about that, eh?) In any case, as an honorable man, I am certainly not going to misrepresent myself, and I am very curious whether American women in their late 30's change their minds about the desirability of the kind of smooth, drama-free, quiet, loving relationship that Nice Guys can provide. So I posted myself online as a blatantly Nice Guy -- and I am really curious what (if any) response I might get. I mean, none of us my age are as cute as we used to be, either. (I'll make an exception for birthdaygirl gazehound!)
After a week of sending very nice little e-notes (one skill I am quite proud of is my ability to write excellent email) to all my most interesting "matches", I got basically nada back. *
I did get an email on this personals site from a Russian girl, expressing interest. After a week of nada, I was bored (and a little discouraged), and I decided just for the halibut that I'd write the Russian girl back, just to see what the heck that was like. Whether Russian girls maybe really like Nice Guys, or something.
Now, THAT was quite an experience ... but not quite exactly the experience I was intending. I wasn't sure if it was for real, all along -- and I spent a week trading emails. The english in the emails was only fair. And (as a guy) when you KNOW that there is a huge language barrier, you make allowances, and give lots of "benefit of the doubt". Trying to start up such an extreme version of an LDR is obviously fraught, and any guy with sense is going to go into it assuming that everyone involved needs to put in a little extra understanding ... if anything is EVER going to work.
Wellllll, it turns out this one was a scam, and that's one of the things the scammers are counting on. Another thing they count on is some very interesting psychology! That's the part that I'm most fascinated by. Just how targeted are these "Russian dating scam" emails? I am still unsure about the answer to that question. Because the series of email letters sent is 95% pre-written. The scammer adds 5% to most of the letters in the form of a little bit of personalized, specialized detail. That is, they put in a few quick made-up answers to a few of your questions.
It's the 95% pre-written part that amazes me, though. As I said, it is NOT well-written english. But even that has an interesting component. It conveys an impression of having been written by a very emotional, somewhat more than averagely intelligent, very communicative, trusting, wide-open ingenue. The writing style is FASCINATING. The "person" writing the email KNOWS they are making mistakes in their english, and they are far more concerned with communicating than they are with perfection. They just let the words and sentences fly; verbally letting it all hang out. Trusting you to understand the intent, rather than the exact words. And one rather pretty picture gets sent along with each email.
... But the FACT is, that the personality displayed in these emails is so overwhelmingly enticing that men will send thousands of dollars to the scammer, just to (supposedly) experience the pleasure of meeting them ONCE, for a few weeks. With a promise of a relationship, and an expectation of a marriage to come.
Who says American men won't commit? THESE guys sure will!
After learning what I have about the reality of all of this, here is my condensation:
1. It turns out that current policy won't allow US travel visas to single russian women, unless they HAVE ALREADY MET THE GUY (and can PROVE IT!), and they both say that they are engaged, and a Russian woman ONLY GETS TO DO THIS ONCE (most likely -- although that is never fully spelled out). (It's called a K-1 visa.)
I think this policy is stupid, myself. I'd much rather have a whole bunch of well educated russian women (with TEN YEARS each of education in english for god's sake!) here as "illegal immigrants" than I would a bunch of mexican migrant farm workers. Even just economically, they'd be worth ten times as much. The policy exists specifically to prevent such a catastrophic wave of pretty single russian illegal immigrant women into the US.
2. Russians have to PAY for their EMAIL!!! They also don't have credit cards to be able to even pay for the application fee for personals websites. So, at this point in history, no REAL russian woman is going to be cruising personals sites, and sending off large numbers of hopeful contact emails.
3. If you get contacted, there are "russian dating blacklist" sites, that list out the "names" that are used by all the known scammers. Including letters and "pictures". The pictures are of various pretty russian girls and models and hopeful models, of course. The website I spent an afternoon reading was http://www.womenrussia.com
4. If you get contacted, and think it might be for real, there are suggestions: ASK FOR A PHONE NUMBER AND POSTAL ADDRESS IMMEDIATELY. Then send a real paper letter to the address. Also tell the woman to write in russian, and you get it translated yourself. Later, you can get your own translated before sending 'em. There are professional translation services that do smoochy letters.
5. Real russian women are not like the personality in the scam emails, AT ALL! They are very guarded with their feelings. Very reserved. They write about their thoughts, not about how they feel. Real cold fish, in other words. The claim is, they open up a little bit after they've met you and formed an emotional bond. Heh. Try it if you're brave! I'm certainly not walking down THAT road!
6. For now, especially because of what I said in (2.) above -- there are only 2 ways to contact real russian women. One is through "marriage agencies". The women put their info on the sites with only a "what the hell, this might work, maybe" attitude. The other way to meet them is to spend 4 grand, go to Russia, and attend "socials".
Either way, if you write them -- to try to get a relationship going, they won't be able to believe it's actually real. And NO, they don't give you any breaks, or the benefit of the doubt, generally. Because they don't expect it to work, and they aren't putting effort into TRYING to make it work.
* I did get a somewhat more promising contact the second week, from a woman that I did not contact first. ;)