(no subject)
Thanksgiving was good. I woke up at Raf's dad's and went to my parents. My dad and I walked in the woods, I read People magazine, and my mom and I made food. It was just my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my cousin at my aunt and uncle's this year, but it was nice. I drank too much wine and talked about "butt hash" and my mom bought Indian ice cream that was full of kardamom and absolutely decilious with coffee.
I went back to Raf's dad's when we got home. He brought me tiny bottles of Bailey's because he's wonderful and instead of going out and being social we curled up in bed and watched The Wire with his cat. Also, Grayson called me and various people screamed "AWESOME" at me for almost a minute, which was jarring but hilarious.
My parents left this morning for Philly and I am alone in the house not really wanting to go to the gym. I should because I feel a little anxious and I should run off the excess energy before seeing everyone and ingesting things that might make me feel like the world is melting. I'm so glad Natalya will be here so I use her as my anchor.
What I am thankful for this year:
+ My parents because they have always given me everything I needed, but not everything I wanted which has made me significantly less spoiled than I could be. They are wonderful and send me on beautiful trips and pay my rent, but most importantly they love me unconditionally and I am so glad my relationship with them has matured to the point where we hardly fight.
+Rafael Julian Hickey. My bear and my prince and the boy I cannot imagine being without. I am thankful he exists and loves me back and that we are able to live together so well. I would be a much bigger and neurotic mess if he was not a part of my life.
+Natalya Betzig. I am thankful for Natalya because she is the first girl I have ever felt so close to. She is another person I am pretty certain I would be lost without. She completes me and even though everyone teases us when we sing Christina Aguilera in the car while holding hands I do not mind a bit because she is the most wonderful and inspiring girl I have ever known and I am so happy she's my girlfriend.
+My health. I am so lucky to not be sick with anything that could weaken me because god knows I am weak enough on my own. Despite my occasional back or joint pain, I am probably in the best shape I have ever been in and I know exercise can be thanked for that. Since February I have lost 30 lbs, which is pretty amazing. Losing weight is one of the first things I have ever really had to work hard for and I am thankful my body and mind were able to commit to my body's well being for so long.
+Reconnecting with old friends. Seeing people like Brendan and Cat after long (or not so long) periods of time makes me feel better about my ability to relate and connect to people. Both of them are people I can not see for months or even years, but as soon as we hang out everything just seems to pick up where it left off and I am smiling and laughing and remembering the past with them.
+Sam Patrick. The grumpiest boy I know, but the one who routinely inspires the most hope and promise inside me. I do not know why, but I want the best for him and even if he doesn't believe me, I believe in him. Also, Sam is one of the few people who made me feel less shitty about Jack Hanson and that is something to be thankful for.
+People like Ryan and Spencer. They pop into my life every once in awhile and then they spend some time out of it. That is fine. They make me laugh so hard and its hard to believe I have known Spencer since kindergarten. I have never worried about either of them or how well they will accomplish their goals, because they both have this quiet drive they rarely show.
+The ability to talk to Jack Hanson and not want to die. I do not blame him for spending over a year and a half treating me as though I was a ghost. I do not blame him for the anger or anything else. I blame myself for everything that happens and it still makes me hurt that I hurt someone who never showed me anything but love and devotion. But now we can exist. It is awkward and I sometimes feel the animosity that lurks beneath the jokes and gestures, but I am able to breathe alright now when he is near and we can even talk about the beat generation. That is enough.
Pretty much I am thankful for everyone I know that loves and cares about me. I am thankful that I am learning to love myself, for good grades, and the beautiful life I am carving out for myself in Boston.
Oh, and this Eazy-E shirt. Lolz.
I went back to Raf's dad's when we got home. He brought me tiny bottles of Bailey's because he's wonderful and instead of going out and being social we curled up in bed and watched The Wire with his cat. Also, Grayson called me and various people screamed "AWESOME" at me for almost a minute, which was jarring but hilarious.
My parents left this morning for Philly and I am alone in the house not really wanting to go to the gym. I should because I feel a little anxious and I should run off the excess energy before seeing everyone and ingesting things that might make me feel like the world is melting. I'm so glad Natalya will be here so I use her as my anchor.
What I am thankful for this year:
+ My parents because they have always given me everything I needed, but not everything I wanted which has made me significantly less spoiled than I could be. They are wonderful and send me on beautiful trips and pay my rent, but most importantly they love me unconditionally and I am so glad my relationship with them has matured to the point where we hardly fight.
+Rafael Julian Hickey. My bear and my prince and the boy I cannot imagine being without. I am thankful he exists and loves me back and that we are able to live together so well. I would be a much bigger and neurotic mess if he was not a part of my life.
+Natalya Betzig. I am thankful for Natalya because she is the first girl I have ever felt so close to. She is another person I am pretty certain I would be lost without. She completes me and even though everyone teases us when we sing Christina Aguilera in the car while holding hands I do not mind a bit because she is the most wonderful and inspiring girl I have ever known and I am so happy she's my girlfriend.
+My health. I am so lucky to not be sick with anything that could weaken me because god knows I am weak enough on my own. Despite my occasional back or joint pain, I am probably in the best shape I have ever been in and I know exercise can be thanked for that. Since February I have lost 30 lbs, which is pretty amazing. Losing weight is one of the first things I have ever really had to work hard for and I am thankful my body and mind were able to commit to my body's well being for so long.
+Reconnecting with old friends. Seeing people like Brendan and Cat after long (or not so long) periods of time makes me feel better about my ability to relate and connect to people. Both of them are people I can not see for months or even years, but as soon as we hang out everything just seems to pick up where it left off and I am smiling and laughing and remembering the past with them.
+Sam Patrick. The grumpiest boy I know, but the one who routinely inspires the most hope and promise inside me. I do not know why, but I want the best for him and even if he doesn't believe me, I believe in him. Also, Sam is one of the few people who made me feel less shitty about Jack Hanson and that is something to be thankful for.
+People like Ryan and Spencer. They pop into my life every once in awhile and then they spend some time out of it. That is fine. They make me laugh so hard and its hard to believe I have known Spencer since kindergarten. I have never worried about either of them or how well they will accomplish their goals, because they both have this quiet drive they rarely show.
+The ability to talk to Jack Hanson and not want to die. I do not blame him for spending over a year and a half treating me as though I was a ghost. I do not blame him for the anger or anything else. I blame myself for everything that happens and it still makes me hurt that I hurt someone who never showed me anything but love and devotion. But now we can exist. It is awkward and I sometimes feel the animosity that lurks beneath the jokes and gestures, but I am able to breathe alright now when he is near and we can even talk about the beat generation. That is enough.
Pretty much I am thankful for everyone I know that loves and cares about me. I am thankful that I am learning to love myself, for good grades, and the beautiful life I am carving out for myself in Boston.
Oh, and this Eazy-E shirt. Lolz.