Why Do I Care?
Why is it that I give a damn about people? Especially, when they so obviously don't care about me? Why am I so soft hearted? I really try to be more bitchy. I try to cut people out of my life and I try to be mean and rude just like everyone else, but I always stop myself from really taking the plunge into true Bitchiness. And then, inevitably, I get burned again. You'd think I would have learned my lesson by now.
I'm a nice person. I hate hurting people, I hate letting people down. But in trying to please everyone, I displease myself. I lose myself and then have to go through the long and painful process of finding myself again. Is there one person that I can really count on? Is there anyone that knows me at all? I wonder about this a lot. If I'm so busy trying to please others, have I ever truly let another person see who I really am? Its fear that makes me go out of my way for others, fear of rejection. So, it must be that nobody really knows who I am. What a sad thought, especially given the amount of effort I go through to make people like me.
Why can't I let go? Why can't I stand when it counts? Why do I care so much, when the feeling isn't returned?
Also, for a person who has such low tolerance for male bullshit as I do, I've been allowing quite a bit of it in my life lately. Yet another check mark in the Pros to Becoming a Lesbian list I've made in my head. I'm doubly upset with myself for letting this particular male bullshit back into my life. So I know I've gained weight and perhaps I'm not all that attractive to some right now, but I'm not the type of girl to throw myself at any man. So why in the world did I allow myself to become so vulnerable that I would accept this man's advances when I adamently told myself I never would again? No matter what, I sure as hell deserve more than what this guy is offering, and there's no fucking way I'm going to let the bastard stomp all over my feelings. Once upon a time, the sun rose and set with him, and nowadays I'm both respectful and kind to him...but NO MAN abuses my affections! I'm done, and I hope that this guy gets a dose of his own medicine very very soon. In fact, I'd LOVE the pleasure of force feeding him that lesson myself. A sure fire way of bringing out the bitch in me, present me with a man with no regard or feeling for a woman's heart. Show me a man who is careless and cruel to women, and then step out of the way while I kick his ass. There's nothing worse than a disrespectful man. Ugh!
I'm a nice person. I hate hurting people, I hate letting people down. But in trying to please everyone, I displease myself. I lose myself and then have to go through the long and painful process of finding myself again. Is there one person that I can really count on? Is there anyone that knows me at all? I wonder about this a lot. If I'm so busy trying to please others, have I ever truly let another person see who I really am? Its fear that makes me go out of my way for others, fear of rejection. So, it must be that nobody really knows who I am. What a sad thought, especially given the amount of effort I go through to make people like me.
Why can't I let go? Why can't I stand when it counts? Why do I care so much, when the feeling isn't returned?
Also, for a person who has such low tolerance for male bullshit as I do, I've been allowing quite a bit of it in my life lately. Yet another check mark in the Pros to Becoming a Lesbian list I've made in my head. I'm doubly upset with myself for letting this particular male bullshit back into my life. So I know I've gained weight and perhaps I'm not all that attractive to some right now, but I'm not the type of girl to throw myself at any man. So why in the world did I allow myself to become so vulnerable that I would accept this man's advances when I adamently told myself I never would again? No matter what, I sure as hell deserve more than what this guy is offering, and there's no fucking way I'm going to let the bastard stomp all over my feelings. Once upon a time, the sun rose and set with him, and nowadays I'm both respectful and kind to him...but NO MAN abuses my affections! I'm done, and I hope that this guy gets a dose of his own medicine very very soon. In fact, I'd LOVE the pleasure of force feeding him that lesson myself. A sure fire way of bringing out the bitch in me, present me with a man with no regard or feeling for a woman's heart. Show me a man who is careless and cruel to women, and then step out of the way while I kick his ass. There's nothing worse than a disrespectful man. Ugh!