It Must Be Said
Well, I guess tonight I feel the need to talk a little bit about whats going on with me spiritually. I've been trying to avoid really talking about it because the answer I have is messy and hard to explain. But after a lot of thought, I've desided it all really boils down to one thing
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There are many different types of churches, and many different interpretations of the bible. You don't have to abandon Jesus, or resign yourself to a fate in hell just because you've decided to leave the Pentecostal denomination.
I felt constant pressure from Brad and his family to convert, and they even set up a bible study to help me learn more about their beliefs. I was glad to learn what I could from that bible study, but I wasn't able to connect with much of anything that it taught me. In fact, there were many sessions in which I felt angry and resentful towards the subject matter. I was often told these feelings were coming straight from the devil.
I struggled with guilt and with wanting to fit in with my boyfriend's family. I wondered if I truly had a "hardened heart" ( as Brad called it), or a soul that could never love God because it was inherently evil. I sat on the fence for a time, wondering if I should hop over to the other side, get baptized and (I hoped) receive gifts from the holy ghost.
Ultimately, I was never able to jump that fence, because everything in my being was holding me back. Brad and I attended different Pentecostal and Apostolic churches around CT, but these trips only served to anger me, and to strengthen my resolve in sticking with what I felt to be truth.
I may actually write an entire entry on this, so I'll save some ideas for that possibility. I'm sorry that I practically wrote you a novel. I just want you to know that you aren't alone, that you will be loved and embraced by your friends, church or no church.
Just because they claim they know the truth doesn't mean that they do. None of us can claim to know any more than the next person, and that's why we have to make up our own minds. Do what you want, do what gives you comfort, do what you feel is right.
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