ahaha
This is too great. too fucking great. I think I am just going to copy this one in verbatim.
I was going to base a particular episode on a true story from Tsaven's life, but upon re-reading the original I think I might just paste it in, verbatim, typos and all. It also gives a really good working example of how he speaks, thinks, and writes - with a lot of personal flavor. Very differently from me. I will have to make sure to stylize all his narration like this.
and, ya know, after all these years, it's still FUCKING HILARIOUS.
miss varletry, this one's for you.
Without further ado, thepee spider story.
okay so i'm standing in front of my toilet just as i'm starting to take a whiz, and all of the sudden i feel this tickling on my foot (i was barefoot). So i look down to see this GODDAMN HUGE FUCKING SPIDER that had just crawled over my foot and was heading right for my other foot! Seriously, this thing was almost the size of a tarantula! it had to be almost 1.5-2 inches big, IT WAS FUCKING HUGE!!!! I like FLIPED out and jumped back against the wall to try and not let that thing get at my damn foot! keep in mind i had just started to pee and one you start, you KNOW you can't stop, so pee is now going all over the place as i do this fucked up little dance to stay away from this spider, who now starts to panic and running around at this crazy hyper speed! then the goddamn thing starts running for the door, unfortunetly, i am between the door and it!
Maybe two seconds have elapsed now, so i've got a LONG way to go in this pee still, i'm trying to aim it somewhere at the toilet (it's missing), and now i've got this huge spider chargeing me! I don't know WHY i did what i did next, but i had to use the ONLY weapon that i had at my disposal, so i aimed my pee-stream right at the spider! i hit the fucker DEAD ON, and he didn't like that one bit, and made a direct 90 degree turn and headed VERY quickly straight for the wall with the radiator! I don't know what i was thinking, but i did my best to keep peeing after the thing, and then the thing pops out from the radiator RIGHT NEXT TO ME and tries to bolt out the door, and i'm like PANICING so i try and pee on him, but he like SHOOTS by me into the hall and i twirl around, for some fucked up reason, and TRY AND FOLLOW THE FUCKER!. So i'm like hobbleing after this spider with my jeans now around my ankles, hobbleing into the hallway with pee going ALL OVER THE PLACE and still trying to piss on this huge damn spider! this took all of about 7 seconds, from first tickle to me running into the hallway peeing all over the place, and then the baster runs down the stairs! it's about now that i finally ask myself WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING, standing in the hallway with my pants around my ankles holding my dick and aiming a stream of urin down the stairs, so i quickly hop back to the bathroom and finish what was left into the sink (it was closer then the toilet).
So now, with my pants soaked in pee, i'm standing there in front of the sink wondering WHAT THE FUCK I JUST DID! Now there is pee on EVERY SINGLE SURFACE of the bathroom, all over all the magazines, on EVERY wall, the floor is one big pool of pee, there's pee in the sink, on the mirror, probably on the ceiling, the whole basket of extra TP is now useless becasue of pee on it, my pants and undies are SOAKED in pee, the lower half of the front part of my shirt is soaked in pee, there's pee ALL OVER THE DAMN HALLWAY AND DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS, and now the whole place reeks of pee AND THERE IS STILL SOME HUGE PEE-SPIDER ROAMING THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE!
So i just threw my cloaths in the wash, and i'm gonna take a really fast shower, then try to clean up this huge damn mess as i wonder HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA EXPLAIN THIS ONE TO MY MOM.
I'm fucked. And i smell like pee.
I was going to base a particular episode on a true story from Tsaven's life, but upon re-reading the original I think I might just paste it in, verbatim, typos and all. It also gives a really good working example of how he speaks, thinks, and writes - with a lot of personal flavor. Very differently from me. I will have to make sure to stylize all his narration like this.
and, ya know, after all these years, it's still FUCKING HILARIOUS.
miss varletry, this one's for you.
Without further ado, thepee spider story.
okay so i'm standing in front of my toilet just as i'm starting to take a whiz, and all of the sudden i feel this tickling on my foot (i was barefoot). So i look down to see this GODDAMN HUGE FUCKING SPIDER that had just crawled over my foot and was heading right for my other foot! Seriously, this thing was almost the size of a tarantula! it had to be almost 1.5-2 inches big, IT WAS FUCKING HUGE!!!! I like FLIPED out and jumped back against the wall to try and not let that thing get at my damn foot! keep in mind i had just started to pee and one you start, you KNOW you can't stop, so pee is now going all over the place as i do this fucked up little dance to stay away from this spider, who now starts to panic and running around at this crazy hyper speed! then the goddamn thing starts running for the door, unfortunetly, i am between the door and it!
Maybe two seconds have elapsed now, so i've got a LONG way to go in this pee still, i'm trying to aim it somewhere at the toilet (it's missing), and now i've got this huge spider chargeing me! I don't know WHY i did what i did next, but i had to use the ONLY weapon that i had at my disposal, so i aimed my pee-stream right at the spider! i hit the fucker DEAD ON, and he didn't like that one bit, and made a direct 90 degree turn and headed VERY quickly straight for the wall with the radiator! I don't know what i was thinking, but i did my best to keep peeing after the thing, and then the thing pops out from the radiator RIGHT NEXT TO ME and tries to bolt out the door, and i'm like PANICING so i try and pee on him, but he like SHOOTS by me into the hall and i twirl around, for some fucked up reason, and TRY AND FOLLOW THE FUCKER!. So i'm like hobbleing after this spider with my jeans now around my ankles, hobbleing into the hallway with pee going ALL OVER THE PLACE and still trying to piss on this huge damn spider! this took all of about 7 seconds, from first tickle to me running into the hallway peeing all over the place, and then the baster runs down the stairs! it's about now that i finally ask myself WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING, standing in the hallway with my pants around my ankles holding my dick and aiming a stream of urin down the stairs, so i quickly hop back to the bathroom and finish what was left into the sink (it was closer then the toilet).
So now, with my pants soaked in pee, i'm standing there in front of the sink wondering WHAT THE FUCK I JUST DID! Now there is pee on EVERY SINGLE SURFACE of the bathroom, all over all the magazines, on EVERY wall, the floor is one big pool of pee, there's pee in the sink, on the mirror, probably on the ceiling, the whole basket of extra TP is now useless becasue of pee on it, my pants and undies are SOAKED in pee, the lower half of the front part of my shirt is soaked in pee, there's pee ALL OVER THE DAMN HALLWAY AND DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS, and now the whole place reeks of pee AND THERE IS STILL SOME HUGE PEE-SPIDER ROAMING THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE!
So i just threw my cloaths in the wash, and i'm gonna take a really fast shower, then try to clean up this huge damn mess as i wonder HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA EXPLAIN THIS ONE TO MY MOM.
I'm fucked. And i smell like pee.