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i am feeling really discouraged and terrible tonight. there's still been no word about my job, and it's now been over five weeks since my interview. i could go into the explanation of why, but it basically boils down to bureaucratic bullshit. add on top of that the fact that i'm pretty sure my former boss is just looking for a reason not to give me the position, and the fact that if i don't get it most of my plans for the next year of my life will be basically wrecked... i'm a fucking mess right now. add on top of that i've been killing myself for work even more than usual lately... i drove up to boston (2 hours away) on saturday to pick up supplies from one of the boston shops so that my shop could participate in this women's expo event yesterday, which not only necessitated a 12 hour work day on the day of the event, but meant i had to leave the birthday party of one of my close friends before midnight on saturday so i could go to sleep, a party that three of my other best friends who i never get to see had the whole weekend off to go to. and the event went great, it was a huge success, but like, i spent 18 months watching my old boss kill herself for this job, ruining her marriage and her kid practically doesn't know her and i don't even HAVE a spouse and kid and i'm determined not to let this job become my life. just determined. but then i'm wondering is there any way i could be more dedicated, show my commitment more, would that have netted me the promotion already? i already have a hard time giving up things that are personally important to me, like time with my friends, because all my besties live hours away from me and time with them is sacred. but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, you know? i'm trying to be responsible and i wonder sometimes if that comes through to the people who observe me in my job.
and mostly i'm really upset and sad because one of my best friends had just started a new job she was crazy about like two weeks ago, and today they laid her off because i guess paying her was too expensive for them or something? i have no idea, i haven't gotten all the details, but like, i'm just devastated for her. fucking devastated. and also scared for myself in a karmic way, because we'd been so excited to have good job news together, so looking forward to starting these new things at the same time, and now that she's had the rug ripped out from under her i'm really scared that it's an omen that i am not going to get good news. and everyone's said that they're certain i'm going to get it, but that if i don't it means something better is out there for me. and i believe that. i just really want this. i want it now, and like veruca salt, i don't care if i'm being a tantrumy baby about it. i've worked my ass off for almost six months to be worthy of keeping this position, and i want them to stop dicking me around and tell me if i get it or not. it's literally removing my ability to enjoy or care about anything else in life, i can't make any plans for my future until i find out, and the continued stress of worrying that every little thing i do or don't do will win or lose me the job has put me closer to the point of breaking and having a nervous meltdown than i ever thought i could get. like finding out about my friend's lay-off has had me feeling tight in the chest with anxiety for the past three hours, and i was trying so hard to get some writing done, but basically the sum total of what i did with my day was watch the entire warehouse 13 marathon on syfy. (which, sidebar, love that show, and love that they have a gay character who's not in any way a sassy/flamboyant stereotype. good job syfy. keep it up.)
anyway. obviously my brain is about as coherent and useful as a bowl of rice pudding right now, so i'm going to stop puking this all out onto the page, but i just had to throw it out there that i am going to sincerely start losing my mind with stress really soon, and any good thoughts and well wishes you can pass my way will be much appreciated. every time i think i can't get any more tense about this, i'm proved wrong.... i just want it to be over. so keep me in your thoughts and i'll be thanking you for it. :)
love you guys. thanks for supporting me through all of this insanity. i really appreciate it.
♥ em
This post crossposted from Dreamwidth (
comments)
and mostly i'm really upset and sad because one of my best friends had just started a new job she was crazy about like two weeks ago, and today they laid her off because i guess paying her was too expensive for them or something? i have no idea, i haven't gotten all the details, but like, i'm just devastated for her. fucking devastated. and also scared for myself in a karmic way, because we'd been so excited to have good job news together, so looking forward to starting these new things at the same time, and now that she's had the rug ripped out from under her i'm really scared that it's an omen that i am not going to get good news. and everyone's said that they're certain i'm going to get it, but that if i don't it means something better is out there for me. and i believe that. i just really want this. i want it now, and like veruca salt, i don't care if i'm being a tantrumy baby about it. i've worked my ass off for almost six months to be worthy of keeping this position, and i want them to stop dicking me around and tell me if i get it or not. it's literally removing my ability to enjoy or care about anything else in life, i can't make any plans for my future until i find out, and the continued stress of worrying that every little thing i do or don't do will win or lose me the job has put me closer to the point of breaking and having a nervous meltdown than i ever thought i could get. like finding out about my friend's lay-off has had me feeling tight in the chest with anxiety for the past three hours, and i was trying so hard to get some writing done, but basically the sum total of what i did with my day was watch the entire warehouse 13 marathon on syfy. (which, sidebar, love that show, and love that they have a gay character who's not in any way a sassy/flamboyant stereotype. good job syfy. keep it up.)
anyway. obviously my brain is about as coherent and useful as a bowl of rice pudding right now, so i'm going to stop puking this all out onto the page, but i just had to throw it out there that i am going to sincerely start losing my mind with stress really soon, and any good thoughts and well wishes you can pass my way will be much appreciated. every time i think i can't get any more tense about this, i'm proved wrong.... i just want it to be over. so keep me in your thoughts and i'll be thanking you for it. :)
love you guys. thanks for supporting me through all of this insanity. i really appreciate it.
♥ em
This post crossposted from Dreamwidth (
comments)