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[betweenthebliss]

man, there's really nothing like finishing up reading one of my favorite fics ever (had to reread 'drastically redefining protocol' after watching the royal wedding... lulz, i am ridiculous) and discovering i have an email from my father. he's been doing this thing for a month or two now where he sends me these random text messages apropos of nothing like, "hey em, it's dad--" which, first of all, yes, i know it's you-- "hope everything's going well, thinking of you, call me!" and it's like... my history with my father is complicated and not entirely pleasant, but he has spent the past nine years trying like hell to pretend that everything is fine. which like, okay, by now i could have probably forgiven him leaving us and moving to florida, i could even have probably forgiven him marrying someone who is as much like my mother as a dandelion is like a mountain lion. (my mom is the mountain lion, in case you were wondering.) but he keeps doing horrible shitty things to me and my brother; he just can't bring himself to follow through on any of his responsibilities to us. he quit paying my tuition to MHC in the middle of my junior year-- which, by the way, is why you will not see my college diploma hanging anywhere in my house, because i still owe them money so i still don't have it-- and while he finished paying my brother's tuition, now he is doing this complicated dance of attempting to get my brother to make the payments on the parent plus loans that he, my father, took out. it's like he just can't bear the fact that we need stuff from him. which is true on SO many levels, not just financially. and whenever he's a dick to one of us, he tries to play nice wtih the other, like he thinks we don't talk to each other, like he thinks i don't know that he's being a horrible ass to my brother right now. but he just has this expectation that whenever he's around we'll not only drop everything at a moment's notice to see him, but we'll be excited and happy to do so. and the worst part is that i can't stop wanting to do it. he is such a fun guy to be around, he's the person who made me the geek i am today, i can talk to him about books and movies and tv the way i can't with my mom (which sounds silly except to other fangeeks; you know the feeling when you meet someone who just gets the way you think about books and stuff the way you do) but every time i'm with him i'll go for an hour enjoying myself and then i'll remember everything else and i just cannot stop being hurt and afraid of him. afraid that every piece of myself that i give him will be used against me later. and it's stupid, because he can't do anything to me anymore. as of tomorrow i'm making enough money to pay my loans and pay them off, i owe him nothing and he doesn't want anything from me except a close relationship, which he refuses to understand why i'm incapable of giving. i can't trust him because he cannot hear anything bad said about himself ever; if i tried to explain how much him leaving us destroyed me, he would get defensive and angry and i would end up a sobbing mess, which i am never doing in front of him, ever. ever. he is incapable of listening without explaining (gee i wonder where i get that trait from) and god, i know this entire entry is just a giant piece of proof that i need to start seeing a counselor again, because OBVIOUSLY nine months of talking about how much i hate his guts, but i don't really, did not fix the problem. anyway bottom line; he's going to be up north for exactly the span of time that i will be in las vegas. and at first i thought i was glad, but now i just had to write him back and i do feel bad about it, but i'm mad at myself for feeling bad. because he persists in sending me vague texts and calling me when he KNOWS those are not the good ways of reaching me. he leaves a message on my facebook wall but does not use EMAIL, THE ONE SINGLE METHOD OF COMMUNICATION THAT I HAVE TOLD HIM TO USE. he doesn't tell me the dates he's coming; i find out from my brother. what the fuck? that does not say to me that you want me to know when you're in town. emailing me six weeks ago, when i'm sure he booked the tickets, would have been a better way of doing it. he refuses to adapt what he does to the way my life works (how many times have i said do not call me, i work in retail, i cannot take your calls which is why my fucking voicemail is always full) and then gets all sad sacky and guilt trippy about how we aren't close. i don't want to be close to him, but i can't explain that because it is literally not worth the grief it would cause for me to do so. UGH I HATE THIS SO MUCH, SO SO MUCH. i hate that i am nine years removed from when he was a significant part of my life, and two years removed from when i resolved never to need anything from him financially ever again, and yet he still has teh ability to twist me up in emotional knots. HATE.

goddammit i just wanted to read some fucking merlin fic and go to bed on a happy high. and if you have made it to the end of this giant text block then you are a very persevering person and i appreciate it. please don't feel like you have to comment; there isn't really much to say, so if you can't think of anything, don't worry. most of the time i don't really know what to say about him either.

i guess i'll go read something else shmoopy and cute... and short, because i'm opening and should be in bed 15 minutes ago. awesome....

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