you are the burn master... INCINERATION
Practice makes perfect. How much practice will make you perfect at something though? What if you put in the effort, hard work, and time but your result doesn't compare or transcend the expectations of the one you work to please? Well, I tell you now, I don't have an answer. Quite frankly, I'm searching for one. I try so hard in band. I practice outside of school. Just one someone depends on me, I fail them. It's not just me failing two people... or three. It's the ginormous block I feel I'm carrying. I'm letting down my grandfather. I breath in and I can't support enough air to blow through the instrument without coughing up a lung or feeling blood run down my nose. It's hard to understand what I'm going through. I can't desribe it. It's a lonely feeling though and I don't have anyone to talk about it with. Sitting in my car, short of breath and franticly searching for my inhaler scared me to tears. I was shaking and no one knew. I realized, I have to find strength in me. No one can be there for me ALL the time. It's not judgement on my awesome friends, it's just I'm feeling a little down in the dumps. I'm not bitching.. things are alright. It's just I'm sorry you guys. If I spread myself too thin or stretch myself too far. I want to be an awesome friend to you, but I see to be suckin' at it. I love you guys with all my heart though and you should know you mean the world to me. So, let's make plans.. and I won't let you down. Promise. Don't let me down either. ;) I doubt you guys could do that. I won't let my sickness limit me. Tomorrow I go to the hospital. I'm super nervous. I feel like I need someone to hold my hand still. Getting a mamogram, stress test, heart tests, and I have to wear a heart moniter for 24 hours. I'm not too excited, but I'll sure feel like a music star carrying around what looks like a mic pack all day. And I get to leave school early. Well, I love ya guys.. and I'll see ya around. I just wish I had someone who I didn't need to say anything and they would just understand I needed to have an outlet...