Just ramblings...
So this one is going to be a bit depressed and maybe boring...and I am going to complain maybe...so if you don't want to read that so don't! Ok...consider yourself warned.
So like maybe some of you know I have been depressed for some years and in April I finally realized that I can't get out of this on my own and that I need help. So I have been on antidepresive medicine since april and I have started to feel better. But last sunday I started to feel a bit sad and monday I just felt worse. When I took a shower I had some kind of breakdown and tried to cut myself with a razor-blade. But it wasn't that hard and I was so clear that nothing happened. But I was scared because I have never had any feelings like that...that I want to hurt myself or even die because I am so useless and ugly and nobody would miss me if I die. I know that this isn't true but during this breakdown I just couldn't help myself. So anyway I told my husband and he called my parents and then we went to the hospital. I spent many hours at the ER and then the psychic-ward and they told me to take less of my medication and then gave me some kind of relaxing pill and then they let me go home.
I have been to my parents home most of the time with them and my husband. They can't leave me because I panic when I'm alone. They have been in contact with the psychiatrist every day because I feel so bad. Thursday I talked to the psychiatrist myself and got another tablet that I can take if I get panic-atacks.
Now I feel better, I have been able to be to stores without panicking but I am afraid that it's going to come back. I feel stupid because of the razor-thing and the fact that my family must be with me all the time because I freak out otherwise...I feel like the whole house gets smaller and smaller and I can't breathe. Panic-atacks is hell...I think I'm going to die and I don't want to feel this way anymore! The psychiatrist said that it's because I have taken to much medication and that my body have to get used to the new medication I have gotten. In april when I should get used to the first medication I felt better for like three days and then it get worse again so right now I feel good but nothing says that I'm going to feel that way tonight...Shit, I hate this!!! But writing about may help so that is what I'm doing right now...
To look at the bright side, the heat has finally disappeard and now it's raining here. It's so nice with some rain...
I feel like my head is made of cotton and I don't think my english is the best today so if anybody is reading this I hope you understand what I am writing...I can check my spelling but not the gramamr so I don't know if it's good but like I write...I hope you understand.
It's very hard to always feel stupid and meaningless, I have always felt this way but the last week have been worse than ever...and the stupid thing is that I know that it isn't true...but I have so high expactations on myself so I must be able to do everything, even if everybody else doesn't. I must be able to do everything even if nobody have shown me how...stupid I know but i am working with this and I hope that it's going to be better!!
It feels better to write about this and I don't care if anybody reads it or not (but hopefully somebody reads :))
One more happy note is that Veronica Mars season 2 pretty soon comes on DVD!! Jippie ;)
Hejdå å ha det så bra så hörs vi ;-)!! (After all I am swedish so...Goodbye and have a good time so are we going hear each other again...well kind of like that ;-))
Kramar/Hugs // Betty
So like maybe some of you know I have been depressed for some years and in April I finally realized that I can't get out of this on my own and that I need help. So I have been on antidepresive medicine since april and I have started to feel better. But last sunday I started to feel a bit sad and monday I just felt worse. When I took a shower I had some kind of breakdown and tried to cut myself with a razor-blade. But it wasn't that hard and I was so clear that nothing happened. But I was scared because I have never had any feelings like that...that I want to hurt myself or even die because I am so useless and ugly and nobody would miss me if I die. I know that this isn't true but during this breakdown I just couldn't help myself. So anyway I told my husband and he called my parents and then we went to the hospital. I spent many hours at the ER and then the psychic-ward and they told me to take less of my medication and then gave me some kind of relaxing pill and then they let me go home.
I have been to my parents home most of the time with them and my husband. They can't leave me because I panic when I'm alone. They have been in contact with the psychiatrist every day because I feel so bad. Thursday I talked to the psychiatrist myself and got another tablet that I can take if I get panic-atacks.
Now I feel better, I have been able to be to stores without panicking but I am afraid that it's going to come back. I feel stupid because of the razor-thing and the fact that my family must be with me all the time because I freak out otherwise...I feel like the whole house gets smaller and smaller and I can't breathe. Panic-atacks is hell...I think I'm going to die and I don't want to feel this way anymore! The psychiatrist said that it's because I have taken to much medication and that my body have to get used to the new medication I have gotten. In april when I should get used to the first medication I felt better for like three days and then it get worse again so right now I feel good but nothing says that I'm going to feel that way tonight...Shit, I hate this!!! But writing about may help so that is what I'm doing right now...
To look at the bright side, the heat has finally disappeard and now it's raining here. It's so nice with some rain...
I feel like my head is made of cotton and I don't think my english is the best today so if anybody is reading this I hope you understand what I am writing...I can check my spelling but not the gramamr so I don't know if it's good but like I write...I hope you understand.
It's very hard to always feel stupid and meaningless, I have always felt this way but the last week have been worse than ever...and the stupid thing is that I know that it isn't true...but I have so high expactations on myself so I must be able to do everything, even if everybody else doesn't. I must be able to do everything even if nobody have shown me how...stupid I know but i am working with this and I hope that it's going to be better!!
It feels better to write about this and I don't care if anybody reads it or not (but hopefully somebody reads :))
One more happy note is that Veronica Mars season 2 pretty soon comes on DVD!! Jippie ;)
Hejdå å ha det så bra så hörs vi ;-)!! (After all I am swedish so...Goodbye and have a good time so are we going hear each other again...well kind of like that ;-))
Kramar/Hugs // Betty