Dreary
This humidity is oppressive. I hate July. It always seems like the people around me are weighed down by anxiety and sadness at this time of year. It always makes me feel awkward- I want to love and support the people around me, but I know that those emotions are contagious, especially to someone like me who is already vulnerable to begin with. I am torn between wanting to hug everyone I know and isolating myself entirely for about a month.
Jon told me he feels alienated from me; it's a completely understandable feeling. I have been very withdrawn from everyone, and he is getting the brunt of it because he shares my home, my body, my animals, my everything-personal. I'm not a very affectionate person these days (19 year old Somerleigh just rolled over in her grave) physically, anyways. My body is rarely tolerant of it. I can't get comfortable when I lean against another person, it hurts sometimes to be touched, and the days when I am capable of being cuddly, I am usually tired, fatigued, and ornery. I'm sure you can all understand how that will affect a lover, even the most patient one (as he is). On top of that, I changed my sleep schedule. I now go to bed around 9 or 10 o'clock and wake up at about 3. This means we don't share a bed anymore. Just in case you think he needs better reasons, he is also feeling secluded because I don't often invite him when I go out with a friend. I know, this is breaking a BIG girlfriend rule- OBVIOUSLY he is in the right feeling alienated because of this. I'm just not sure what to do about it. When he is around my friends, he doesn't often participate in conversation or starts feeling socially awkward and needs to take a break (meaning he runs down to the store or etc.)I honestly don't know how to make him feel more welcome when I am with friends. I am also greedy- I very much value my one-on-one time with friends because of the discussions that can ensue. This has been a grievance (I don't think I have used that word since I was 17) of almost anyone I have dated or had an intense relationship to for my whole life. People feeling like I don't invite them along often enough, or that I don't make enough time for them. the problem is that there are so many people I love and cherish- and yet want to be alone with- that I can't schedule this shit properly. I told him I would start making a bigger effort to make him feel included, and I intend to. It may just take time; he needs to get used to my friends and the way we interact before he can feel comfortable *really* participating in the things we do and talk about. I don't know.
My doggy has worked himself into a bleeding nervous stomach. I am greatly worried about him. I'm going to start giving him a bit of yogurt every day and probably pick up some Borium, and watch him to see how he does. If that doesn't work, off to the vet we go. He's overdue for shots anyway.
I am sick, sick, sick of money. There is never enough there to do all of the things I need to do. I am going to try to get my driver's permit on Wednesday, and then Leia (my sister) is going to start teaching me how to drive. I am trying to be incredibly excited about this, and I keep telling myself that I can do it. Positive self-talk and such. I am absolutely terrified. Thankfully, Leia knows this and that is her primary mission; getting me comfortable behind the wheel of a car. Other than becoming experienced with it, that's all I really need to do. I am so frustrated by my fear of driving I can't explain it. It's like a panic attack in a sense- fear so strong, it creates a physical response. As soon as I am behind the wheel, the car is on, I am in motion... I am trying not to hyperventilate, control my shaking so that I can actually accelerate evenly, and absorbing the world in a panicky blur. djklsdjfhsdjfhsdfhsdvbhihefwdil.
Need to get back to work...
Jon told me he feels alienated from me; it's a completely understandable feeling. I have been very withdrawn from everyone, and he is getting the brunt of it because he shares my home, my body, my animals, my everything-personal. I'm not a very affectionate person these days (19 year old Somerleigh just rolled over in her grave) physically, anyways. My body is rarely tolerant of it. I can't get comfortable when I lean against another person, it hurts sometimes to be touched, and the days when I am capable of being cuddly, I am usually tired, fatigued, and ornery. I'm sure you can all understand how that will affect a lover, even the most patient one (as he is). On top of that, I changed my sleep schedule. I now go to bed around 9 or 10 o'clock and wake up at about 3. This means we don't share a bed anymore. Just in case you think he needs better reasons, he is also feeling secluded because I don't often invite him when I go out with a friend. I know, this is breaking a BIG girlfriend rule- OBVIOUSLY he is in the right feeling alienated because of this. I'm just not sure what to do about it. When he is around my friends, he doesn't often participate in conversation or starts feeling socially awkward and needs to take a break (meaning he runs down to the store or etc.)I honestly don't know how to make him feel more welcome when I am with friends. I am also greedy- I very much value my one-on-one time with friends because of the discussions that can ensue. This has been a grievance (I don't think I have used that word since I was 17) of almost anyone I have dated or had an intense relationship to for my whole life. People feeling like I don't invite them along often enough, or that I don't make enough time for them. the problem is that there are so many people I love and cherish- and yet want to be alone with- that I can't schedule this shit properly. I told him I would start making a bigger effort to make him feel included, and I intend to. It may just take time; he needs to get used to my friends and the way we interact before he can feel comfortable *really* participating in the things we do and talk about. I don't know.
My doggy has worked himself into a bleeding nervous stomach. I am greatly worried about him. I'm going to start giving him a bit of yogurt every day and probably pick up some Borium, and watch him to see how he does. If that doesn't work, off to the vet we go. He's overdue for shots anyway.
I am sick, sick, sick of money. There is never enough there to do all of the things I need to do. I am going to try to get my driver's permit on Wednesday, and then Leia (my sister) is going to start teaching me how to drive. I am trying to be incredibly excited about this, and I keep telling myself that I can do it. Positive self-talk and such. I am absolutely terrified. Thankfully, Leia knows this and that is her primary mission; getting me comfortable behind the wheel of a car. Other than becoming experienced with it, that's all I really need to do. I am so frustrated by my fear of driving I can't explain it. It's like a panic attack in a sense- fear so strong, it creates a physical response. As soon as I am behind the wheel, the car is on, I am in motion... I am trying not to hyperventilate, control my shaking so that I can actually accelerate evenly, and absorbing the world in a panicky blur. djklsdjfhsdjfhsdfhsdvbhihefwdil.
Need to get back to work...