Whiny.
I am pointless. Immature. Hateful. Dependent. Scared of life. Why can't I just embrace it the way I used to? Why can't things just come easy for me? I should be ecstatic about life right about now. Everything I want I pretty much have, with the exception of a stellar boyfriend who understands and would be able to put up with my craziness.
Do I really like you? Why are we friends? Is it just because we're thrown together in various party situations and have been forced to talk to each other or do you really value my opinion?
I wonder where I would be if I hadn't changed theatre classes that first day of freshman year. I often think about this. I remeber coming into class. It was my first period and the first person I saw was Bianca Ponce de Leon and the first thing that came to my mind was "this is going to be my best friend" she was pretty and peppy and just...cute. Just like me. I remeber starting up a conversation with her on a universal girl topic 'hair'. For some strange reason though when Woolery asked if anyone who had taken two or more years of theatre (me) would like to move to a theatre 2 class, I quickly raised my hand. But why did I raise my hand? Was I expecting Bianca to raise her hand as well or was it fate. Was it fate that I moved into that 3rd period theatre class and met every single person who would someday become my "group". I mean what was that? You know? I know what path I did take, but I always think what if I had stayed in that classroom with Bianca? maybe I would have eventually gone on to become a Tigerette. Maybe I'd be making better grades. Maybe I'd be friends with some people that right now I can not even stand. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I just always wonder...
But I love who I have right now. Honestly, if I had a party right now I'd only invite three people. Three people is all I have. Three is people is...all I need? I love these three people with all my heart and damned soul. Ironically enough, I only met one of them in that theatre class last year. Would I still have her friendship today if I had gone the other way? Would I have any of them today? Probably not.
Who have I become? Do the few people I consider friends have an actual title? Because I really wouldn't know what you'd call us. The...ummm....nope. Nope. Don't have a name. I can't even think of one. Because we're all so different. Which leads back to the question. Why are we friends? What is it about you that draws me towards your freindship?
So I just made it onto the Carroller staff. Umm, yah.I thought about it long and hard. I do not want to go to camp. I don't do camps. I can't even go to a party without freaking out much less go to a camp out of town for four days. I want to be strong enough. I want to be excited about it. If you're reading this I know what you're thinking "Sabrina, you're fucking SIXTEEN years old! Get over it!" I know I know I fucking know!! But, I just can't. This scares me. I need to get over this reallly fast. College is right around the corner. I need to leave. I need to get out. I need to take my family with me.
I want to go back to freshman year. Everyone is so excited about us all being Juniors know and what not. Quite frankly, I am scared shitless. I don't know what to do with myself. The future scares teh fucking shit out of me. Why can't I be excited like the rest? I'm not looking forward to life right now.
Dear Sabrina, please stop. Love, someone else.
I got a disgusting wave of nostalgia today in 7th(Theatre) I didn't wanna talk about it really. When I walked into the class and saw all those white table I swear to God I half exptected Joey to come running from the back screaming some wonderfully gay phrase and making me feel like a happy little girl again. I remember taping the paper to the tables with him among various other people. It was happy, it was fun. Today when Woolery made me do it alone I wanted to cry. I saw the stage, I wanted to be on it. I wanted to make people laugh. And I'm sorry Michael, but I caught myself wanting to call you Aaron so many times today only because...it's...Aaron, y'know? When people were screwin' around upstairs I expected to hear your brother throw me some rude remark that I would have gone gaga over anyways. I miss the Seniors. Fun and theatre didn't mix after tehy left. And I really didn't know any of them at all. But I fell in love with every single one of them. That's why I don't want to go to Comedy Club mainly. I don't want to see a new generation of people making other people laugh. I am cruel, selfish, nostalgic. I don't want to see anyone else on that stage other than Me and you.
Phewff, is it all out yet? More? Ok. Umm, I guess just a side note. I have really bad grades right now. Not like '97' is a bad grade. I'm talkin '79' in fucking Barger BAD GRADE. But I was commended on th TAKS (who wasn't?) and that should get me some extra points.
I want to recap the year. But I think I'll save that for another day. Sorry to anyone who actaully read all this hallabaloo. <<<3 always. sabrina.
One more thing. I think it's actually kind of funny to read the beginning sentence of my post and then my last. I think it is just a strong testimony of how therapeutic LJ is because I actually feel A LOT better now.