(no subject)
This will be my final entry on xanga. I just want to set a few things straight for some people out there who claim to not read my xanga anymore but still show up on my footprint log. I said I wouldnt mention your names on my space anyore, so I wont...
I guess I am just tired of feeling guilty. Tired of feeling like I hurt you so terribly bad and wronged you in so many ways. Tired of everyone thinking I am some heartless bitch that fucked you over. Tired of you always playing the victim.
Last fall, you were depressed. I remember sitting on our bed while you were crying and me telling you that you needed to see someone. That I would carry you for a little while and help you get through things. I also remember saying that if you didnt get help our relationship would suffer and that I wouldnt be able to stay with someone who refused to help themselves. You promised me you would work on it. But you didnt.
I remember the morning you called me and told me you got kicked out of school for bad grades...I remember your excuse, "I'm just not good at school," you said, so you didnt study, then you got Ds and got kicked out and then said to everyone, "see I told you I am no good at college." you said you werent good at studying, or going to class, or taking tests, or taking notes....
I remember our agreement when we split up. You would work on your dependence on me for happiness, money, etc... and I would figure out my feelings for Phillip. I told you I couldnt guaruntee that I would come back to you, but you said it didnt matter that you would wait forever...about a month went by and I knew I had made a mistake and wanted you back. I had held up my end of the bargain and figured out my feelings. But you, you became dependent on someone else. Yes, you fixed your dependence on me, but not your dependence on people/gfs. You said you loved her...after a month. I grieved for you longer than a month... I think, that she just happened to be at the right place at the right time. You needed a place to stay that was away from me so you didnt have to think of the pain. You needed a car, and you needed someone to tell you that you were gonna be fine, things were ok. She just happened to have all of that. and you learned to love her. We have similar hook up stories, no? after what, like two weeks we said "i love you" and wanted to get married? same with you and her now, yes? Except I had nothing to offer, only myself and my love. She had everything you had lost with me.
I know you hated coming back to our apartment after we split up because I lectured you. And I should have done it in a better way. But I truly loved you and it hurt that you loved another and that you werent getting any better with your depression/self confidence. I'm sure everyone else said you were fine when you told them the things I lectured you on. But then again they didnt get to hold your hand while you cried all night llong for no reason, and hold you through the night when you couldnt sleep cause you were so sad. They didnt do all the chores around the house cause you were too sad to get out of bed. They didnt get to see what I saw. I only meant well when I told you the things I did. I just wanted you to get better. You hated me for it, becuase everyone else was telling you that you were fine and everything was ok. But friends are suppose to do that, they are suppose to comfort. But if they truly loved you they would tell you the truth, like I did.
I took care of your cats for three months, knowing that I wouldnt get to keep them. I paid for food, litter, and played with them all hours of the night when they kept me up. I got frustrated when you would promise to come home and take care of them some nights and never came. Sometimes I would call at midnight to check and see if you were still coming and you said yes, but never showed. You lied to me so many times.
You lied to me about sleeping in my bed with her. You lied to me about washing my sheets and made me sleep in the sheets you two dirtied. ewe. You lied to me everytime you brought her over. You lied to me when you said we would ride together to GRL meetings and I would end up waiting forever only to finally go to the meeting and find you sitting there all smug, and me charged with a late fine.
You lied to all of us when you sigend that contract saying you would commit 6 hours of your time to GRL, but gave only 5 minutes of sloppy work right before each meeting. I remember Ashe and I saw you slipping and tried to keep things quiet from the other girls. We knew you were having trouble so we gave you a second chance. and you failed us that time too. we had no choice but to do what we did, we couldnt play favourites anymore. Yet somehow through the grapevine I hear that you blame me for you leaving the sorority. that I made it hell for you and had it out for you.
I am actually glad that you never talk to me. I dont wish to associate with someone who thinks what we had was total bullshit. Cause to me, it wasnt. I never lied when I said I loved you or did things for you. perhaps your end of our relationship was bull, but mine wasnt. my feelings were real. I dont wish to talk to someone who refuses to speak to someone they use to mentor simply because that person hooked up with me. Why do you care who I hook up with? and why would you hate them so? especially since you are over me? I dont get that.
I held up my end of our agreement. I fixed my problem, I took care of your cats, I offered the furniture free of charge, I tried to help you out in the sorority, I tried to put the mirror up to your face. I am tired of feeling guilty when I was so nice to you. Tired of feeling guilty when I bent over backwards to make you feel comfortable after we split up. Why do you always play the victim? what did I do to you? I broke up with you, and...asked you to pick me up when I was hallucinating on the highway, I hated her because you chose her. I never lied to you, or purposefully set out to hurt you. Nobody saw what went on behind the scenes and how you treated me because I didnt go blabbing it to all my friends. I dont say these things in hopes that one day you will talk to me. I do hope one day you will talk to your little sister. I say these things cause I need some freaking closure or something. I need to stop feeling guilty all the time when all I do is think back over events and realize that I did nothing wrong. Realize that maybe I should start playing the victim. Maybe that will end my sadness cause it will make other people try to make me happy....nah...I think I'll work my shit out on my own.
I guess I am just tired of feeling guilty. Tired of feeling like I hurt you so terribly bad and wronged you in so many ways. Tired of everyone thinking I am some heartless bitch that fucked you over. Tired of you always playing the victim.
Last fall, you were depressed. I remember sitting on our bed while you were crying and me telling you that you needed to see someone. That I would carry you for a little while and help you get through things. I also remember saying that if you didnt get help our relationship would suffer and that I wouldnt be able to stay with someone who refused to help themselves. You promised me you would work on it. But you didnt.
I remember the morning you called me and told me you got kicked out of school for bad grades...I remember your excuse, "I'm just not good at school," you said, so you didnt study, then you got Ds and got kicked out and then said to everyone, "see I told you I am no good at college." you said you werent good at studying, or going to class, or taking tests, or taking notes....
I remember our agreement when we split up. You would work on your dependence on me for happiness, money, etc... and I would figure out my feelings for Phillip. I told you I couldnt guaruntee that I would come back to you, but you said it didnt matter that you would wait forever...about a month went by and I knew I had made a mistake and wanted you back. I had held up my end of the bargain and figured out my feelings. But you, you became dependent on someone else. Yes, you fixed your dependence on me, but not your dependence on people/gfs. You said you loved her...after a month. I grieved for you longer than a month... I think, that she just happened to be at the right place at the right time. You needed a place to stay that was away from me so you didnt have to think of the pain. You needed a car, and you needed someone to tell you that you were gonna be fine, things were ok. She just happened to have all of that. and you learned to love her. We have similar hook up stories, no? after what, like two weeks we said "i love you" and wanted to get married? same with you and her now, yes? Except I had nothing to offer, only myself and my love. She had everything you had lost with me.
I know you hated coming back to our apartment after we split up because I lectured you. And I should have done it in a better way. But I truly loved you and it hurt that you loved another and that you werent getting any better with your depression/self confidence. I'm sure everyone else said you were fine when you told them the things I lectured you on. But then again they didnt get to hold your hand while you cried all night llong for no reason, and hold you through the night when you couldnt sleep cause you were so sad. They didnt do all the chores around the house cause you were too sad to get out of bed. They didnt get to see what I saw. I only meant well when I told you the things I did. I just wanted you to get better. You hated me for it, becuase everyone else was telling you that you were fine and everything was ok. But friends are suppose to do that, they are suppose to comfort. But if they truly loved you they would tell you the truth, like I did.
I took care of your cats for three months, knowing that I wouldnt get to keep them. I paid for food, litter, and played with them all hours of the night when they kept me up. I got frustrated when you would promise to come home and take care of them some nights and never came. Sometimes I would call at midnight to check and see if you were still coming and you said yes, but never showed. You lied to me so many times.
You lied to me about sleeping in my bed with her. You lied to me about washing my sheets and made me sleep in the sheets you two dirtied. ewe. You lied to me everytime you brought her over. You lied to me when you said we would ride together to GRL meetings and I would end up waiting forever only to finally go to the meeting and find you sitting there all smug, and me charged with a late fine.
You lied to all of us when you sigend that contract saying you would commit 6 hours of your time to GRL, but gave only 5 minutes of sloppy work right before each meeting. I remember Ashe and I saw you slipping and tried to keep things quiet from the other girls. We knew you were having trouble so we gave you a second chance. and you failed us that time too. we had no choice but to do what we did, we couldnt play favourites anymore. Yet somehow through the grapevine I hear that you blame me for you leaving the sorority. that I made it hell for you and had it out for you.
I am actually glad that you never talk to me. I dont wish to associate with someone who thinks what we had was total bullshit. Cause to me, it wasnt. I never lied when I said I loved you or did things for you. perhaps your end of our relationship was bull, but mine wasnt. my feelings were real. I dont wish to talk to someone who refuses to speak to someone they use to mentor simply because that person hooked up with me. Why do you care who I hook up with? and why would you hate them so? especially since you are over me? I dont get that.
I held up my end of our agreement. I fixed my problem, I took care of your cats, I offered the furniture free of charge, I tried to help you out in the sorority, I tried to put the mirror up to your face. I am tired of feeling guilty when I was so nice to you. Tired of feeling guilty when I bent over backwards to make you feel comfortable after we split up. Why do you always play the victim? what did I do to you? I broke up with you, and...asked you to pick me up when I was hallucinating on the highway, I hated her because you chose her. I never lied to you, or purposefully set out to hurt you. Nobody saw what went on behind the scenes and how you treated me because I didnt go blabbing it to all my friends. I dont say these things in hopes that one day you will talk to me. I do hope one day you will talk to your little sister. I say these things cause I need some freaking closure or something. I need to stop feeling guilty all the time when all I do is think back over events and realize that I did nothing wrong. Realize that maybe I should start playing the victim. Maybe that will end my sadness cause it will make other people try to make me happy....nah...I think I'll work my shit out on my own.