(no subject)
I named this livejournal as I did to make one central thing... central, I guess. I hold it to be a necessary fact that life is worth living. I try to avoid having conceits based on my preferences as a matter of course, but in the case of this one, I make an exception. The explanation, I'd like to think, is fairly simple. Life simply must be worth living, or I'd have no reason to continue living (nor would any of the rest of you, I suppose). This is partially an extension of the "fact or crap" method of fiction creation (if something is cool/awesome, it's true, if it's crap, then no one cares and it isn't) which I acquired mostly from Nick, but the essential core of the idea has been with me for some time. I wrote my freshman essay on the subject.
And in times like these, I need to remind myself of that. To belabor a point made many times already, I'm leaving my comfortable surroundings for somewhere completely unknown to me. I am afraid. I want to ignore it, forget I'm going so that I won't go, so I can cling to what I have here. But I also want to break out of my cage, throw, crush, smash, anything, if only so I can avoid being faced with that feeling that I get sometimes. As long as I can convince myself that I'm going to another stage, another step, another phase, then I can be less worried about what I'm doing now. As long as I can convince myself that what I'm doing isn't what I'll be doing forever, then I'll be okay. That feeling that I'm just phoning it in and not doing anything and would simply be better off dead, no longer needing to work, struggle, or care doesn't haunt me when I keep in mind that I'm going to change.
Well, it bothers me less anyway.
And in times like these, I need to remind myself of that. To belabor a point made many times already, I'm leaving my comfortable surroundings for somewhere completely unknown to me. I am afraid. I want to ignore it, forget I'm going so that I won't go, so I can cling to what I have here. But I also want to break out of my cage, throw, crush, smash, anything, if only so I can avoid being faced with that feeling that I get sometimes. As long as I can convince myself that I'm going to another stage, another step, another phase, then I can be less worried about what I'm doing now. As long as I can convince myself that what I'm doing isn't what I'll be doing forever, then I'll be okay. That feeling that I'm just phoning it in and not doing anything and would simply be better off dead, no longer needing to work, struggle, or care doesn't haunt me when I keep in mind that I'm going to change.
Well, it bothers me less anyway.