(no subject)
It's weird to lose a friend. Especially when I didn't have a decision in the matter. I had logged in to gmail but was not at the computer and received a IM from her, "i can't be friends with you anymore. sorry." She then either logged off or blocked me. I haven't spoken to her since. I haven't even tried to call, I assume she wouldn't answer if I did. I haven't texted her or e-mailed her. I thought about it, but something about the way she did it makes me think she really meant it, (maybe because I haven't heard from her since then). It's confusing and frustrating. She was (apologies to you, Nick) the best friend I had. Or more precisely, the person I was the most comfortable talking to about things that I don't otherwise share with people. She knew how to listen. She asked the right questions, offered her opinions, but never got in the way of the simple act of being talked at by somebody. She was my best source of emotional support and stability. And she dropped me at the blink of an eye, with no explanation, days after any event in our relationship with each other that could have justified it. I've been perplexed at how numb I've felt about it. She did say once, and often, that one of the things she liked about our friendship was that (and I paraphrase somewhat here) the friendship could just end and neither one of us would be perturbed by it. She was right in some respects. As far as I can tell, we're both still alive. I've managed to live very nearly the same way as I was when she was part of my life. I haven't spent nights crying over it. But I do miss her. I miss being able to call her up and talk to her, or drop by her room and spend hours chatting, overanalyzing, reading, and wondering. Seeing her come up on my contact list on my phone makes me want to call and see if she will relent. But I won't. And I don't think she'll come looking for me.
Now it's like the old days when I knew who she was but we weren't friends. I hear of her occasionally, and read her livejournal (I wanted to be her friend because of her livejournal entries) though she has removed me from her friend list now so all I see are her public entries. I wonder what she's doing with herself and what she's thinking about. I wonder why she won't tell me what I did, or what changed, and why she would do that to me after two years of friendship, ups, downs, and all arounds. I had planned to be in touch with her for the rest of my life. She was going to be the person who knew me that I kept in touch with that would tell me when I was being an idiot and ground me while helping me keep things in perspective. Now she's gone.
Now it's like the old days when I knew who she was but we weren't friends. I hear of her occasionally, and read her livejournal (I wanted to be her friend because of her livejournal entries) though she has removed me from her friend list now so all I see are her public entries. I wonder what she's doing with herself and what she's thinking about. I wonder why she won't tell me what I did, or what changed, and why she would do that to me after two years of friendship, ups, downs, and all arounds. I had planned to be in touch with her for the rest of my life. She was going to be the person who knew me that I kept in touch with that would tell me when I was being an idiot and ground me while helping me keep things in perspective. Now she's gone.