(no subject)
All I have is hope...and I hope I don't lose hope.
What did I do? I asked someone out. I do care for him...I love him...since I first met him...I have.
I asked him out...something I don't think I've ever really done in the sense that I've said, "Will you go out with me?"
Maybe I'm just retarded...he lives in Vermont...how am I supposed to go up there...to be with him...maybe being away...or this far away is a good thing...like he'll know for sure that he loves me...unlike...okay...unlike other people...or just one person did to me. That was stupid.
Okay...So I'm still hung up on the fact that I got hurt, and I told Herb last night, or technically, this morning... I told him...all I'm doing is waiting for something bad to happen. Throughout everything...that has been the one constant...whenever I get a little happy...something bad comes up to challenge it.
So, we know right now that I am, in fact, retarded. What remains to be seen is how I can change or somehow alter that fact...I mean...maybe I won't be a complete brainiac, but maybe I can alter myself so everything that I say doesn't make me sound like I need to wear a helmet.
Yeah...even writing about how retarded I am...makes me even more retarded.
I just want to have some money...go up to visit him, and whatever happens from there...happens. I mean...he loves me...and I didn't stop loving him. I mean...I'm dating him. I don't know....what I mean.
I guess I've grown accustomed to being hurt...and willingly opening myself up and saying...Hey...I like you...seems like the easiest way to get myself hurt...and I just did that. Now...I can either wait for the hurt...or believe him when he says he loves me...and that nothing will go wrong.
...because I, ever, always, no matter, what have hope, above all things...I will believe him...and I will work my ass off to get some money so that I can go see him.
I don't know whether to give myself a pat on the back because I am an everlasting hope-imist or to punch myself in the face cause I just opened myself up again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seriously...Abe asked me to go back out to Washington. I don't see how this is possible. I mean, he breaks my heart after having me move across the freaking country to be with him, and then he tells me he doesn't love me after all. Now, he says he does care about me, and he wants me back. How am I supposed to acclimate to the love? He only says this after he has a run-in with a friend that he says he doesn't want to talk to anymore. I wonder, and I emailed him this, I said, "Are you asking me to be with you because you think I can somehow help you escape your past, or because you think that I can be your future?" I think I know the answer...and I don't think he does...and while it may hurt him...he has to realize his own answer for himself.
I know that I can't give him his answer. I never can. I'm so confused.
Herb said he loves me...and I love him.
That may be a part or all...of my problem. I love and love...and hardly is it ever paid back to me. I loved Abe, and look what happened. He actually didn't love me, after all.
What am I doing? I'm either doing something right, and I'm doing it the wrong way...or I'm doing something horribly wrong, and I'm very good at it.
Why must my life always work out so that there is something to question...?
I asked out Herb, and I like Herb...and that is all I am going to focus on for now. He says he loves me, and that nothing will go wrong...and while all my past experience with everything is telling me otherwise...I am going to give up...and let the hope that I've had...that has been the only thing I've had...take hold...and guide me.
I can't say I'm an optimist...because optimists belive that something will go right...that there is something out there...and it will make life right, and they can always see the best in things.
Me...I'm a hope-imist...wherein...I don't know that things will go right...I frequently believe that they won't, but I hope that somehow things will go right. I can never see the best in things...I just think there could be a best...I think something good might happen.
For now...I will try to forget the things that are making me doubt. I will try to focus on the hope I have had, and the fact...that..if I'm not dead...things can be okay.
Yay...me?
<3 Jess
What did I do? I asked someone out. I do care for him...I love him...since I first met him...I have.
I asked him out...something I don't think I've ever really done in the sense that I've said, "Will you go out with me?"
Maybe I'm just retarded...he lives in Vermont...how am I supposed to go up there...to be with him...maybe being away...or this far away is a good thing...like he'll know for sure that he loves me...unlike...okay...unlike other people...or just one person did to me. That was stupid.
Okay...So I'm still hung up on the fact that I got hurt, and I told Herb last night, or technically, this morning... I told him...all I'm doing is waiting for something bad to happen. Throughout everything...that has been the one constant...whenever I get a little happy...something bad comes up to challenge it.
So, we know right now that I am, in fact, retarded. What remains to be seen is how I can change or somehow alter that fact...I mean...maybe I won't be a complete brainiac, but maybe I can alter myself so everything that I say doesn't make me sound like I need to wear a helmet.
Yeah...even writing about how retarded I am...makes me even more retarded.
I just want to have some money...go up to visit him, and whatever happens from there...happens. I mean...he loves me...and I didn't stop loving him. I mean...I'm dating him. I don't know....what I mean.
I guess I've grown accustomed to being hurt...and willingly opening myself up and saying...Hey...I like you...seems like the easiest way to get myself hurt...and I just did that. Now...I can either wait for the hurt...or believe him when he says he loves me...and that nothing will go wrong.
...because I, ever, always, no matter, what have hope, above all things...I will believe him...and I will work my ass off to get some money so that I can go see him.
I don't know whether to give myself a pat on the back because I am an everlasting hope-imist or to punch myself in the face cause I just opened myself up again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seriously...Abe asked me to go back out to Washington. I don't see how this is possible. I mean, he breaks my heart after having me move across the freaking country to be with him, and then he tells me he doesn't love me after all. Now, he says he does care about me, and he wants me back. How am I supposed to acclimate to the love? He only says this after he has a run-in with a friend that he says he doesn't want to talk to anymore. I wonder, and I emailed him this, I said, "Are you asking me to be with you because you think I can somehow help you escape your past, or because you think that I can be your future?" I think I know the answer...and I don't think he does...and while it may hurt him...he has to realize his own answer for himself.
I know that I can't give him his answer. I never can. I'm so confused.
Herb said he loves me...and I love him.
That may be a part or all...of my problem. I love and love...and hardly is it ever paid back to me. I loved Abe, and look what happened. He actually didn't love me, after all.
What am I doing? I'm either doing something right, and I'm doing it the wrong way...or I'm doing something horribly wrong, and I'm very good at it.
Why must my life always work out so that there is something to question...?
I asked out Herb, and I like Herb...and that is all I am going to focus on for now. He says he loves me, and that nothing will go wrong...and while all my past experience with everything is telling me otherwise...I am going to give up...and let the hope that I've had...that has been the only thing I've had...take hold...and guide me.
I can't say I'm an optimist...because optimists belive that something will go right...that there is something out there...and it will make life right, and they can always see the best in things.
Me...I'm a hope-imist...wherein...I don't know that things will go right...I frequently believe that they won't, but I hope that somehow things will go right. I can never see the best in things...I just think there could be a best...I think something good might happen.
For now...I will try to forget the things that are making me doubt. I will try to focus on the hope I have had, and the fact...that..if I'm not dead...things can be okay.
Yay...me?
<3 Jess