PSL for neednewthrill

[bettercop]

Lisbon had agreed to dinner with Walter on Friday night, barring any unforeseen circumstances, of course. By now, she was used to the fact that some cases required longer hours than others, more travel than others, and her personal life made it easy to adapt to the unpredictability of her job. There was Walter, now, but even this indefinable thing

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[bettercop]

If she were objectively observing the situation, if this were any two other people, she would have more emphatically agreed with Walter's position. Everything he said was absolutely true, and even with her own feelings disrupting complete objectivity, she was pragmatic enough to agree with the points he was making. At least in her head, and only to a point. It shouldn't have been so hard for her to just apologize and agree that she should have called earlier, and would the next time. But that was the trouble: the next time. There was always an unspoken 'next time' with them, they kept coming back to each other. Conceding would be about more than just this little incident, there were deeper, broader issues involved here.

It wasn't the apology she had trouble with, she wasn't above admitting fault; it was what the apology represented to her. How did she let them get this close? Emotions and feelings of attachment had slipped quietly into her heart, without her knowledge or conscious consent.

"I know all about my job, Walter," her tone was defensive, her body posture stiffening. The whole scene felt eerily domestic.

She wasn't meeting his eyes when she murmured, "I'm sorry I didn't call you." It was clear to her now that things had changed, and had to change, between them. But she didn't know how to feel about that.

[neednewthrill]

"Well, thank you for that," he said when she apologized. He wasn't entirely satisfied, however. It didn't address the issue of why she hadn't called in the first place or why he'd needed her to call. It certainly didn't address the bigger and potentially scarier issue of what happened the next time she was late.

The problem was he hadn't really thought it all through himelf. He knew he cared for her. More, actually, than he'd expected to. When they first met, she'd simply been an interesting woman who caught his fancy. The more he got to know her, however, the more deeply he cared. He would be more than happy to follow those feelings wherever they led, but he was concerned that she still wasn't on the same page.

"I'm sorry--you must be hungry," he said, shaking himself out of his silent musings. "The lasagna's probably a little overdone but I think it'll still be edible."

[bettercop]

She stuffed her hands in her pockets and bounced very lightly on her feet, just once, a move that indicated her uncertainty and restlessness. Should she stay, pretend that there weren't larger issues here, should she walk away and just not deal with it?

For a long moment, she said nothing, just silently considering her options as she followed him further into the house. Some time passed before she finally spoke, stopping in her tracks.

"Walter, this thing--you and me--maybe we need to rethink it." Rethink it. Not necessarily bad, not necessarily good. She was trying to give both of them room to move and breathe and figure things out. It was easy to walk away from a casual fling when it was just that, a casual fling that lasted a few weeks at the most. They were well beyond that now.

[neednewthrill]

Walter stopped and slowly turned to her. He couldn't--wouldn't--deny they needed to settle some issues. The problem was he hadn't really thought about it himself. He knew they'd moved past the stage of being just an occasional hook-up. He knew he wanted something more...committed. But he hadn't defined what he wanted that more committed thing to be.

He rubbed his hand over his face, then nodded toward the living room. He wasn't sure if 'rethinking' meant she wanted out, but they might as well be comfortable if they were going to talk about it.

Only once they were in the living room, he paced past the couch, then turned back. "Are you angry with me?"

[bettercop]

It was funny: depending on the person and the way they said it, she didn't like being told things about herself. Like that she had trust issues, or that she needed to get out more. On the other hand, phrased in a certain way, and with the right balance of persistence and tenderness and understanding, that was exactly what she needed--to be confronted about her reticence, to be forced out of hiding where she couldn't just take the easy way out and not deal with things. This was one of those times. It could go either way.

She watched him pace, and then took a seat on the edge of the couch, folding her hands together and resting them on her knees.

"I'm not angry."

[neednewthrill]

Walter nodded with small sense of relief. As far as he knew, he'd never made Teresa angry--not really, truly angry. He annoyed her on a semi-regular basis but he knew how to smooth that over. Anger would've been more difficult to handle. That didn't mean he was in the clear yet but it did help start narrowing down the possibilities.

It occurred to him that pacing probably wasn't conducive to a calm discussion so he sat down next to her. After a second, he laid his hand over hers. "Why don't you tell me what's bothering you then, because I get the feeling it's not just about phone calls, or the lack thereof."

[bettercop]

Walter and Jane were the only two people in her life who did annoy her with some degree of frequency. Jane annoyed her daily, drove her crazy, and was responsible for a large portion of her stress, but she was loyal to him. Walter annoyed her less frequently, and that was more true now. His comments and his persistence were at times unwelcome, but he was charming and genuine and she trusted him, which was more than she could say for Jane.

Damn. It was true: she trusted him, had trusted him for some time now. And that was a kind of commitment for her in and of itself. Again, there was a long pause before she spoke, and she occupied the silence by staring down at their hands.

"We weren't supposed to keep seeing each other," was the easiest way she could think to start this. It was supposed to be a one-night stand, or maybe a few little casual trysts here and there, and that would be it. So the fact that they were still together was bothering her. Did he want that? Did she want that?

[neednewthrill]

"Ah." For a moment that was all Walter could say. He wasn't surprised. Obviously he'd known from the beginning that Teresa resisted the very idea of a relationship. Or even a date. It had certainly taken him a lot of time and effort to persuade her to do even that much.

And yet it was a little disheartening to hear she was still clinging to her independence, still holding onto the walls between them. More than a little disheartening, to be honest. She was here, though. Whether she thought it was supposed to happen or not, she was still seeing him so that was...something.

"Well, we have a slightly different point of view on that subject, because I had every intention of continuing to see you," he said with rueful smile. Perhaps he hadn't planned on it from the beginning but he'd always been open to the possibility. "Is it really so frightening--the thought that we can be more than a one night stand?"

[bettercop]

Yes.

She pulled her hand away from his so that she could link her fingers, folding them together and then up as her forearms rested on her thighs. She was still for a moment, but then hunched forward, and then turned to look at him out of the corner of her eye.

"You don't do this, Walter. You've had how many marriages and failed relationships. You gonna tell me this is different?" It was a low blow, perhaps, and certainly the pot calling the kettle black; she'd never actually been married, but obviously none of her relationships or flings had worked out. But it was a form of self-defense, the brusque manner in which she spoke, the unwillingness to just cooperate easily. She had to keep protecting herself, had to know that she'd fought, and that he would push back.

She had to know he wanted this, if she was going to put her heart on the line.

[neednewthrill]

"I could argue this is exactly what I do," Walter said rather sharply. "Just not very successfully."

Teresa's accusation made him wince although he couldn't deny his record in relationships was not very good. Publicly he could shrug off questions or comments about his love life. Privately.... He certainly wasn't proud of it. Some of his girlfriends had never been meant to be anything more than a fling but he'd hadn't gotten married lightly and those failures stung.

"If you're looking for a guarantee...we both know those don't exist. If you're asking if I'm serious--absolutely." He turned slightly to look directly at her, his expression almost painfully earnest. "And the answer to your question is yes, this is different. You are different from any other woman I've known and that makes us different."

[bettercop]

She knew as well as Walter that there were no guarantees in life, or love, and she didn't expect that from him. But she was aware that she felt strongly for him, and that meant risking herself in a way she hadn't in a very, very long time. To do that, she needed to know he was at least serious about this, about her, that he didn't intend to just walk away on a whim.

Because she might have wanted this to be casual, but it was far from that now, and as terrified as she was, she couldn't walk away anymore. She was in too deep now.

"I know I don't wanna walk away," she said. That was all she knew right now, but that had to be enough. "I can't walk away."

She loved him. But she wouldn't say it, couldn't be the first one to say it.

[neednewthrill]

"That's good, because I don't want you to walk away. Truth is, if you did, I'd probably just follow you."

After all, they wouldn't have gotten to this point if he hadn't been so determined to get his chance. He wouldn't have pursued her so persistently if she'd been clearly uninterested--he wasn't that arrogant. Every time she'd tried to dissuade him, though, he'd seen just a glimpse of doubt and that was all the opening he'd needed.

"I'm not going to pretend I know where we'll end up, but what I do know is I love you and I want the chance to find out."

[bettercop]

"You love me," she stated, not posing it as a question, more just to say it, and hear it again, and try to wrap her head around the power of those words. There was a half-smirk on her face, a dubious tone in her voice, all an attempt to deflect how she really felt about what he'd just said. She wasn't nearly as good at deception as she liked to think she was, though, and Walter likely knew her well enough to know that her cavalier demeanor was merely a front.

"Walter, I--" It was hard to say it back, just yet, so she settled with kissing him. She found herself wanting to hear those words again, though. She could do this, they could do this. And she was on the cusp of repeating the admission, liberating herself from the walls that guarded her heart so staunchly.

[neednewthrill]

Walter lifted his hand to cup her cheek, kissing her gently but thoroughly. The awkward way she reacted, the way she tried to deflect emotional intimacy was amusing. Frustrating as well. And a little sad, because he had to wonder why she found it so difficult to deal with his interest.

"Of course, I love you. Would I spend all this time and energy chasing you if I didn't?" he asked with a teasing little smile. Admittedly, he'd done his share of casual dating, maybe more than his share, but he'd known from the very first that Teresa was not a woman to be toyed with. He had to mean it or leave her alone.

"And you care for me, too," he said with his customary self-assurance. "Because you wouldn't waste your time if you didn't."

[bettercop]

It unnerved her when Jane knew what she was thinking sometimes, trying to puzzle out her thoughts. Most of the time he was right, but that didn't mean anything; she didn't like him poking around in her head, didn't like knowing she could be that transparent sometimes. But Walter got away with it because he didn't force her into things, didn't manipulate her. He was right, she did care. And it was more comforting than unsettling that he just knew that.

Mirroring his touch, she cupped his cheek as well.

"I do," she murmured, her voice quietly affirming a truth he knew already.

[neednewthrill]

Although Walter had been certain Teresa cared for him--and he was certain--it was nice to hear her actually say it. He didn't mind that she wasn't the demonstrative type...not outside the bedroom at least, but he still needed to hear it confirmed. And maybe, he needed to know she had admitted it to herself.

He gave her a soft kiss, then pulled back to gaze at her, a teasing look in his eyes. "So...does that mean you'll call me now when you're late?"