Nov 05, 2006 22:09
Today I feel good. Content. Not nearly as dismal and dramatic as I find myself so often. I forced myself awake before noon and accomplished quite alot. I even found myself talking to a few friends while reading and drinking coffee. I didn't get lost in a fantasy today. I didn't spend hours dreaming of my future, of love, lulled by sad heartbroken folk songs. Maybe it was all the reading I did. This is the first weekend I actually did a lot of work. I've eaten more cookie dough than actual food in the past few days too, but that isn't such a good thing.
I've began to realize that some of my friends have a very interesting image of me--as this overly superficial, materialistic, and pretentious nut case. When I joke about judging or some materially oriented comment I get a sincere laugh and comment confirming that this is truely my nature. Obviously this bothers me. Does it really seem that my insecure snobbery and banter is all there is? It's disapointing. Why is it that I have seem to found a freedom in clothing? In its creation, function, comfort, and beauty? I certainly don't find myself extremely beautiful. There's this general notion that I'm this vain creature, but I think it has more to do with my trying to understand who I am in this mess and why I am perceived as I am. What better character in a story to study than yourself?
I've said, more likely joked, in recent months that I really feel like I've grown up--having taste for clothes in the Talbots catalog (materialism yet again) and wanting to settle down and have child and live a happy suburban life of my own design. I have thought I'd gotten close. That my search had stopped. That love maybe could prevail. Maybe I still haven't given up and will harbor a hope until it becomes more obvious otherwise (But hasn't it been so obvious from the begining?). At the same time I create these alternative fantasies. Fallen in love with almost perfect strangers in those oh so romance novel settings. The guy accoss the lecture hall who always wears the same thing, the guy who lives in my building who I wish I could know better and fall in love with. Right now I feel so detatched from that. I honestly hope in lasts. I've grown tired of the undue stress.