Re-evaluating me
I've changed over the last 6 months or so, in ways I really didn't anticipate. It's been strange...in some ways, I'm completely unfamiliar to myself, and in other ways, it's like this is who I've always been. There were a lot of parts of me that I thought were ME that I'm just realizing were anxiety. And outwardly, I don't seem THAT different. Sure, it's noticeable, but there are other ways I acted that I really honestly believed were just part of an act I put on to convince people I was outgoing or social or confident. And now that other things have been stripped away, it's all still there. And it's not an act, it's just me.
For example, I would never have identified myself as an extrovert. I may have come off outgoing, but I was for sure an introvert. Now? I really think I might actually be extroverted. It's a bizarre feeling to re-evaluate who I am, given that I've always been very introspective and self-aware. But I think there were characteristics about my anxiety that I always thought were characteristics about me. This really feels like the first time in my life that I've really been who I am.
I'm going to credit this change to three things. Therapy, developing close female friendships and my job.
I really, really like my therapist. Which is saying a lot. Because I've tried a number of counselors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. and have really never felt any of them was a fit. In fact, I was sort of disdainful of them. I thought they didn't get it, they didn't listen, they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. But I love my current therapist. She listens to me, understands me, and I think she's really smart. It's been a combination of talk and encouragement combined with hypnotherapy. Which I was QUITE skeptical about in the beginning. She lets me nix things I don't think are working, and listens when I tell her something IS. This is the longest stretch I've consistently seen someone. And it's helped.
I've got close female friends now. I think it's been about 10 years since I've had that. I've been myself with them, spend tons of time with them, have planned lots of fun things to do that I may have always wanted to do, but wouldn't have done. I go to work and my favorite people are there for me to chat with. We go out for drinks after work, for lunch during the day, and hang out on the weekends. No obligations, but easy company is there most of the time. It's helped me feel like I'm someone worth being friends with. I don't think I realized I had felt like I wasn't. But there's a validation in how easy and fun it is.
Work has been mostly awesome. Obviously, some things are unpleasant, but now that I have my own book of business, I've gotten SO comfortable in what I'm doing. I actually like dealing with clients. I always thought I'd hate it. I thought I could never do the sales part, the client-facing part. And now I'm considering new paths for my career to take at my company. I think I'd like them and that they'd suit me. I thought I could never do some of these things, but now I think I might be good at them. I've got a great mentor who encourages me and nudges me along into these things, and I've gained a MASSIVE amount of confidence.
Long story short, nothing is perfect, but it's pretty damned good. I'm still medicated and can go through spells of anxiety and depression. But overall I just feel happy with my life and the people in it, where it's going and who I am.
For example, I would never have identified myself as an extrovert. I may have come off outgoing, but I was for sure an introvert. Now? I really think I might actually be extroverted. It's a bizarre feeling to re-evaluate who I am, given that I've always been very introspective and self-aware. But I think there were characteristics about my anxiety that I always thought were characteristics about me. This really feels like the first time in my life that I've really been who I am.
I'm going to credit this change to three things. Therapy, developing close female friendships and my job.
I really, really like my therapist. Which is saying a lot. Because I've tried a number of counselors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. and have really never felt any of them was a fit. In fact, I was sort of disdainful of them. I thought they didn't get it, they didn't listen, they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. But I love my current therapist. She listens to me, understands me, and I think she's really smart. It's been a combination of talk and encouragement combined with hypnotherapy. Which I was QUITE skeptical about in the beginning. She lets me nix things I don't think are working, and listens when I tell her something IS. This is the longest stretch I've consistently seen someone. And it's helped.
I've got close female friends now. I think it's been about 10 years since I've had that. I've been myself with them, spend tons of time with them, have planned lots of fun things to do that I may have always wanted to do, but wouldn't have done. I go to work and my favorite people are there for me to chat with. We go out for drinks after work, for lunch during the day, and hang out on the weekends. No obligations, but easy company is there most of the time. It's helped me feel like I'm someone worth being friends with. I don't think I realized I had felt like I wasn't. But there's a validation in how easy and fun it is.
Work has been mostly awesome. Obviously, some things are unpleasant, but now that I have my own book of business, I've gotten SO comfortable in what I'm doing. I actually like dealing with clients. I always thought I'd hate it. I thought I could never do the sales part, the client-facing part. And now I'm considering new paths for my career to take at my company. I think I'd like them and that they'd suit me. I thought I could never do some of these things, but now I think I might be good at them. I've got a great mentor who encourages me and nudges me along into these things, and I've gained a MASSIVE amount of confidence.
Long story short, nothing is perfect, but it's pretty damned good. I'm still medicated and can go through spells of anxiety and depression. But overall I just feel happy with my life and the people in it, where it's going and who I am.