Things that give me anxiety
Third session with my new therapist today...surprisingly, I really like her. And I've been through a LOT of therapists. She's been unique. Really has spent a lot of time trying to figure me out...instead of dealing with anxiety as a generality, she's trying to deal with the specific ways my anxiety manifests itself. Doesn't sound too complex, does it? But I've never really experienced that before. And she's dead on about asking the right questions and making the right leaps. She's making sense of me.
Today's session involved identifying 5-10 of the things that make me the most anxious...what it was about them, where on the scale of anxiety they fell, what reactions went along with them.
1) Finances -- Not hugely surprising or unique. But my husband is in school and one salary doesn't cut it towards making progress on the HUGE amounts of debt we have. In addition, being the only one working adds a certain amount of pressure that makes me want to buckle. An 8 on the 1-10 scale.
2) Work -- Again, standard. Stress, feeling overwhelmed and like too much is expected of me. Responsibility and work piled on me from multiple directions. A 5 right now, which is a huge improvement over the 10 it was a couple weeks ago.
3) My house -- The general state of disorder and mess. I'm too emotionally beat down after work to do much else but vegetate at this point in time. Hugely at odds with my OCD desire to be organized and orderly about most everything. Again, been letting it go. A 4 at the moment.
4) Inactivity/Boredom -- I have two modes: stress or boredom. I'm often at a loss as to what I should do to entertain myself, given that spending money is out of the question. Generally leads to staying at home, watching TV, fucking around on the internet. And that makes me feel a bit useless, or like an outsider would judge me for my lack of doing anything. And yet I feel incapable and sometimes averse to doing anything more involved. I have a comfort zone and I don't function well out of it. Again, about a 5, I'd say.
5) Sleep -- Only recently have I realized how poorly I sleep. I can sleep for hours (until recently), but I never slept well. I'm restless and therefore exhausted all of the time. Lately I've been taking Xanax to sleep (as initially, anxiety was plaguing me at night). I think it actually makes me get some quality rest, but then, I don't sleep as much as I'm used to. I wake up early, feeling alert. Which makes me feel like I'm not sleeping well, perversely. If I try to sleep unmedicated, I'm restless the whole night. Xanax isn't the permanent solution. Not sure what the solution is. A 7 on the scale.
6) Darkness -- Yup. I'm 25 and terrified of the dark. Always have been. It just doesn't feel safe when I can't see my surroundings. I obsess about murders, rapists, kidnappers, aliens, demons, ghosts...ANYTHING that could have at me in the darkness. I have a crazy fight or flight reaction to the dark. Day to day, about a 5.
7) Being Alone -- Not in the relationship sense. In the sense of my physical proximity to others. Again, the irrational safety thing - that things will get me without anyone around. I have a husband and roommates, so I'm rarely alone. I've never slept alone in the house. And honestly, I don't think I could. EVER. At least the way I feel right now. Even physical proximity to strangers can help. Feeling isolated is terrifying, unprotected. Again, day to day, a 5.
It's weird to put them all out there. Some are completely ordinary stresses of life, and some are just irrational fears that have stuck with me since I was a child.
Still, I find it interesting and helpful to put them out there and discuss them categorically. Making the intangible feelings in my help more concrete makes them seem like I can tackle them. Someone helping me sort them feels reassuring.
Totally strange post, eh? But this seems to be something I talk about here lately, so, there you have it.
Today's session involved identifying 5-10 of the things that make me the most anxious...what it was about them, where on the scale of anxiety they fell, what reactions went along with them.
1) Finances -- Not hugely surprising or unique. But my husband is in school and one salary doesn't cut it towards making progress on the HUGE amounts of debt we have. In addition, being the only one working adds a certain amount of pressure that makes me want to buckle. An 8 on the 1-10 scale.
2) Work -- Again, standard. Stress, feeling overwhelmed and like too much is expected of me. Responsibility and work piled on me from multiple directions. A 5 right now, which is a huge improvement over the 10 it was a couple weeks ago.
3) My house -- The general state of disorder and mess. I'm too emotionally beat down after work to do much else but vegetate at this point in time. Hugely at odds with my OCD desire to be organized and orderly about most everything. Again, been letting it go. A 4 at the moment.
4) Inactivity/Boredom -- I have two modes: stress or boredom. I'm often at a loss as to what I should do to entertain myself, given that spending money is out of the question. Generally leads to staying at home, watching TV, fucking around on the internet. And that makes me feel a bit useless, or like an outsider would judge me for my lack of doing anything. And yet I feel incapable and sometimes averse to doing anything more involved. I have a comfort zone and I don't function well out of it. Again, about a 5, I'd say.
5) Sleep -- Only recently have I realized how poorly I sleep. I can sleep for hours (until recently), but I never slept well. I'm restless and therefore exhausted all of the time. Lately I've been taking Xanax to sleep (as initially, anxiety was plaguing me at night). I think it actually makes me get some quality rest, but then, I don't sleep as much as I'm used to. I wake up early, feeling alert. Which makes me feel like I'm not sleeping well, perversely. If I try to sleep unmedicated, I'm restless the whole night. Xanax isn't the permanent solution. Not sure what the solution is. A 7 on the scale.
6) Darkness -- Yup. I'm 25 and terrified of the dark. Always have been. It just doesn't feel safe when I can't see my surroundings. I obsess about murders, rapists, kidnappers, aliens, demons, ghosts...ANYTHING that could have at me in the darkness. I have a crazy fight or flight reaction to the dark. Day to day, about a 5.
7) Being Alone -- Not in the relationship sense. In the sense of my physical proximity to others. Again, the irrational safety thing - that things will get me without anyone around. I have a husband and roommates, so I'm rarely alone. I've never slept alone in the house. And honestly, I don't think I could. EVER. At least the way I feel right now. Even physical proximity to strangers can help. Feeling isolated is terrifying, unprotected. Again, day to day, a 5.
It's weird to put them all out there. Some are completely ordinary stresses of life, and some are just irrational fears that have stuck with me since I was a child.
Still, I find it interesting and helpful to put them out there and discuss them categorically. Making the intangible feelings in my help more concrete makes them seem like I can tackle them. Someone helping me sort them feels reassuring.
Totally strange post, eh? But this seems to be something I talk about here lately, so, there you have it.