two hours worth of this crap
there have been a number of times that i've walked several miles home at 4 in the morning while severely intoxicated, just because i didn't feel like being where i was any longer. that's just how it is sometimes.
i like being able to see my breath when i walk, and i wonder what prehistoric man thought of all this hot moisture condensing in cold air. it makes me feel alive.
a friend of mine told me recently that when she first met me, i struck her as the kind of person who knew what he wanted and only had time to deal with other people who were equally determined and organized. when she told me this, i laughed, because i don't feel like i'm that sort of person, but maybe underneath all the silliness, indecisiveness and divided efforts, i actually am.
i want to make a living as a musician, specifically in this band.
i want to freelance, but not as soon as i graduate because that scares the shit out of me.
i'd like to be an art director.
i'd like to start my own small design/illustration business with one or two partners, although i haven't found the right people and i don't think i'm good enough yet to compete with the heads of state, which is what i'd want to do.
i like painting, but working graphically is faster and more practical, and i'd rather paint for myself anyway.
i want to move to west philly.
i want to move to california.
there are days when all i want to do is ride my bike until i collapse. it's like flying.
i want to own a motorcycle.
i'd like my family to get their shit together, but i'm not sticking my neck out for it anymore. i make my own family, and i prefer it that way.
i don't want children. not because i don't like them, but because i just don't feel the need to have them.
i want to be wanted. not needed, or adequate, or convenient.
when i think about it, i do actually find it really difficult to make friends with people who haven't formed many opinions, haven't thought things out, haven't decided on things. so maybe she's right. if you haven't at least considered the nature of the universe, or gravity, or the amazingness of capillaries and tree branches, then i don't have time for you.
more than anything i want to know what is expected of me. i don't enjoy playing stupid passive-aggressive evasive games. if you tell me what you want from me, i'll tell you if you can have it or not.
i want to surround myself with people who are not afraid of being honest. people who are not easily or ever embarassed or ashamed. people who are comfortable in their own skins. people with passion.
i can't decide what to eat for dinner, what to wear, what movie to watch, where to go for a walk. ever. these are the decisions i actually get to make. making big decisions is more like admitting to myself that i already know what i want and accepting what that is.
i'm tired of third person deja vu, third person memories, seeing the refresh rate of my computer monitor, and starting sentences with forms of the pronoun 'i'. i am tired of my recent lack of elegance in thought and eloquence in expression. i am tired of seeing things out of the corner of my eye that aren't there due to lack of sleep.
i'm going to go look at my bed now. hard.