The past...
Most of you won't understand this entry. But I've gotta vent somewhere.
God, 8th and 9th grade is past. It's not a part of me anymore. I'm not that girl anymore. I don't need what they gave me. What I did. So why is it all coming back up now?
I want to scream. I just left the most pathetic message on my Daddy's answering machine. I couldn't even get words out. I got, "Hey Daddy, it's me. It's..." and just sobbed. And you can't really cry on someone's answering machine, can you now? So I just hung up.
I just want to sleep. That's all I do anymore. Drink, pass out, wake up, class, work. Repeat.
I don't want to be who I was. That's changed now. I'm different. I'm stronger. I can handle people leaving, and cheating, and lying, and not blame myself.
But I am.
I'm looking for some stupid loophole, so I can say "This is my fault". And because of that, I would be able to justify my actions. I would be able to say, I did it. It wasn't over Ryan.
I guess this is why I'm so torn between being along or surrounded by people.
I don't want to go see Chris. I mean, I do. I want to show him how much has changed. I wanted to show him how independant I was, and how much I had gone through since 6 or 7 years ago. And how things were different.
I'm afraid of what he'd say. That it was dormant? That maybe we should talk things out? I know it's a rough time?
The first time I ever saw him, I asked him if he'd ever lost a patient. He said only one. My mother cried when she heard that. She cried a lot then.
Whatever. What does this have to do with anything? I just don't even want to think of it. I don't want to remember those 2 years. Things got better, I got better. Everything's better.
God, 8th and 9th grade is past. It's not a part of me anymore. I'm not that girl anymore. I don't need what they gave me. What I did. So why is it all coming back up now?
I want to scream. I just left the most pathetic message on my Daddy's answering machine. I couldn't even get words out. I got, "Hey Daddy, it's me. It's..." and just sobbed. And you can't really cry on someone's answering machine, can you now? So I just hung up.
I just want to sleep. That's all I do anymore. Drink, pass out, wake up, class, work. Repeat.
I don't want to be who I was. That's changed now. I'm different. I'm stronger. I can handle people leaving, and cheating, and lying, and not blame myself.
But I am.
I'm looking for some stupid loophole, so I can say "This is my fault". And because of that, I would be able to justify my actions. I would be able to say, I did it. It wasn't over Ryan.
I guess this is why I'm so torn between being along or surrounded by people.
I don't want to go see Chris. I mean, I do. I want to show him how much has changed. I wanted to show him how independant I was, and how much I had gone through since 6 or 7 years ago. And how things were different.
I'm afraid of what he'd say. That it was dormant? That maybe we should talk things out? I know it's a rough time?
The first time I ever saw him, I asked him if he'd ever lost a patient. He said only one. My mother cried when she heard that. She cried a lot then.
Whatever. What does this have to do with anything? I just don't even want to think of it. I don't want to remember those 2 years. Things got better, I got better. Everything's better.