And these nights I get high just from breathing...
"You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say.
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they.
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do.
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be..."
-Happy Ending, Avril Lavingne
"No more pain, no drama
No one's gonna make me hurt again...
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind
Cause I was young and restless
But there was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more
Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Avoid these drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So bye your happiness
I don't know
Only God knows where the story is
For me, but I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whatever we win or loose
And I choose to win."
-No More Drama, Mary J. Blige
I guess I expected a response, but I never got one. Whatev. I guess I overestimated my faith in the human race. Again. Just another scratch to add to the problems that ARE 2004. It started out so well, with my Marines wanting me, Troy, and all my girls. Maybe if I had kept that course, followed my sheets of paper telling me how to live my life, maybe I would be as content as I was then.
Honestly thought, things are actually quite good. Friends are great, class is SUPER cool (even though I obviously didn't do so hot in Astronomy---but at least I still have my GPA and scholarship!), and Ryan's here (whatever that means.)
I just wish I had more time with my friends. I feel like I dedicated my life to his friends this last semester. And that will NEVER happen again. It's about me this semester. For once in my life, it's about Betsy. And I'm DAMN excited. I've been trying to work as hard as possible, but friends and fun come first. God, this is so unlike me. But I love it.
I love that I have time for what I want to do. But it's because I'm making it that way. I want to be with my friends. And sometimes, it gets complicated. I don't want to make anyone feel like they aren't wanted.
But...
I don't know what I want.
Ironically, I went through this for months of my life, on the other side. And now I don't know what I want. Which is kind of sucky, but at the same time, kind of invigorating. I'm in control, I get to make the decisions, and I like it. I hate myself for enjoying this, but it's like, hey, he threw me around for months at a time, so I can do the same.
This summer is amazing. The weight I've lost is obviously showing at the bars. Guys hit on me constantly, which is totally blowing me away. Some guy took a random picture of me tonight at J's and was like, "Can I get a number with this picture?" What the hell? When did I become something guys would chase after? I thought maybe I was making it up until Commando was like, "Dude, how do you get all these guys to pay for your beer and talk to you?". I was floored. What the hell happened?
I don't feel any prettier---on the contrary, I feel uglier because of Ryan's friends, Beth Anne and her soristitutes and their "cool" comments about me and my friends, and society, I guess. But overall, this past semester, I have felt the worst about myself. I have tried to obsessively lose weight (and succeeded), watch what I eat, and totally scrutinize myself and be disgusted with what I saw. Tonight, I guess I hit a low point. And the saddest part was I was proud of myself for hitting that point. I was proud that I finally became able to accomplish that act.
I wish I could explain more, but then some crazy shit would go down.
But besides all the weight shit, and weighing myself ever 20 minutes, summer is actually going really well. I have been having a great time, finally getting a tan, and enjoying myself. For once in my life I put myself in front of a class. And obviously, my grade shows for it, but it only dropped my GPA a couple of little 10ths of points, and I will definitely be able to pull it back up to my 3.7 that I have held for a year (only since I dropped from a 3.9).
I wish I could change that I feel responsible for Ryan losing his friends. It's not my fault that he doesn't talk to them anymore. It's not my fault that he doesn't talk to Beth Anne anymore. I gave him the opportunity--I told him I even wanted him to talk to her. I told him that she was an important part of his life, and that maybe she could understand parts of him that I couldn't. But he never listened.
He's become so scared that he'll lose me that he won't make any decisions. I wish sometimes he would hang out with his friends so I could have some time with mine. I basically told him to stay home the other night so I could go out. Ugh, I just wish I knew what to do. Some girls would kill for this kind of guy; the one who waits up for her, who drives her anywhere she wants, who does whatever she wants. But I don't. I want one with an opinion, who makes me work for his time, who makes an attempt to spend time with other friends.
Now, I know his Raleigh friends kind of ditched him. Lindsey (I don't even think she reads this anymore, as obviously Beth Anne doesn't) didn't even make an attempt to call him when she was back from France, even though she never gave him a number to reach her at. He kept talking about her and wanting to hang out with her, but he never had a way. Mary and Austin, I don't even know. He hasn't mentioned them in a long time. Matt attempted to throw a party and invited him, but he didn't feel like he wanted to go. Nish was gone in some other state, but still didn't try to IM him or whatever.
It was hard watching him go through what I had a couple of years ago. He held on to his highschool friends for so long, while I had let go all but a couple of mine after freshman year. It was hard watching him hurt like I did. But I couldn't make him IM them, as I couldn't make them IM him. I tried to help him, but he felt like he already lost them. I wish I could explain it all to them, and honestly, I wish I could explain it to Beth Anne, but I know I'll probably never get the chance. I doubt I would know what to say if I did. I know I can't explain his actions.
As for his friends up here, I don't even know if I give a flying fuck what they think. After they said all that stuff, and didn't even give me an apology, I'm not sure I care what their opinions are. But I know Nick treated Ryan like shit, and if they had a problem with him they should have come to him.
Sigh, so much pent up anger. Maybe rugby season will help get this out. I sure hope so.
Sigh. Another sad entry. I wish I could explain that life really is GREAT up here, and I'm having the summer of my life. I'm just dreading when school starts again and all those peopel come back up here. I'm enjoying not having to deal with their shit.
Sometimes, I wish I knew if Beth Anne knew all this stuff. But I'm pretty sure if she'd read it, she would have replied. So whatever. I guess she moved on, which is awesome for her. I honestly (which is horrible of me) wish she felt bad for breeding this hatred for me in Ryan's friends. But I don't know her, and I don't know why I would expect a certain "class" out of her.
I've never been a "girl's" girl. Guys have always liked me more. I've always had guy friends rather than girlfriends. That's why SAI didn't work out for me, sadly enough. That's why Meghan and Alicia didn't like me either. Either that, or because I was a "huge whale". Yeah, that'll make you throw up all your food. God forbid I digest anything.
All the while, congratulating me on losing weight. I give them the "cool" award of the century.
But the thing that keeps me going are my friends. My true friends. My ruggers, my girls, my CA's and my SAIs. They are true to me. And the guys out at the bars love me, too :) What would I do without their incredible ego-boosting comments. :)
Time for sleep, thank God.
I know what they say.
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they.
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do.
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be..."
-Happy Ending, Avril Lavingne
"No more pain, no drama
No one's gonna make me hurt again...
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind
Cause I was young and restless
But there was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more
Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Avoid these drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So bye your happiness
I don't know
Only God knows where the story is
For me, but I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whatever we win or loose
And I choose to win."
-No More Drama, Mary J. Blige
I guess I expected a response, but I never got one. Whatev. I guess I overestimated my faith in the human race. Again. Just another scratch to add to the problems that ARE 2004. It started out so well, with my Marines wanting me, Troy, and all my girls. Maybe if I had kept that course, followed my sheets of paper telling me how to live my life, maybe I would be as content as I was then.
Honestly thought, things are actually quite good. Friends are great, class is SUPER cool (even though I obviously didn't do so hot in Astronomy---but at least I still have my GPA and scholarship!), and Ryan's here (whatever that means.)
I just wish I had more time with my friends. I feel like I dedicated my life to his friends this last semester. And that will NEVER happen again. It's about me this semester. For once in my life, it's about Betsy. And I'm DAMN excited. I've been trying to work as hard as possible, but friends and fun come first. God, this is so unlike me. But I love it.
I love that I have time for what I want to do. But it's because I'm making it that way. I want to be with my friends. And sometimes, it gets complicated. I don't want to make anyone feel like they aren't wanted.
But...
I don't know what I want.
Ironically, I went through this for months of my life, on the other side. And now I don't know what I want. Which is kind of sucky, but at the same time, kind of invigorating. I'm in control, I get to make the decisions, and I like it. I hate myself for enjoying this, but it's like, hey, he threw me around for months at a time, so I can do the same.
This summer is amazing. The weight I've lost is obviously showing at the bars. Guys hit on me constantly, which is totally blowing me away. Some guy took a random picture of me tonight at J's and was like, "Can I get a number with this picture?" What the hell? When did I become something guys would chase after? I thought maybe I was making it up until Commando was like, "Dude, how do you get all these guys to pay for your beer and talk to you?". I was floored. What the hell happened?
I don't feel any prettier---on the contrary, I feel uglier because of Ryan's friends, Beth Anne and her soristitutes and their "cool" comments about me and my friends, and society, I guess. But overall, this past semester, I have felt the worst about myself. I have tried to obsessively lose weight (and succeeded), watch what I eat, and totally scrutinize myself and be disgusted with what I saw. Tonight, I guess I hit a low point. And the saddest part was I was proud of myself for hitting that point. I was proud that I finally became able to accomplish that act.
I wish I could explain more, but then some crazy shit would go down.
But besides all the weight shit, and weighing myself ever 20 minutes, summer is actually going really well. I have been having a great time, finally getting a tan, and enjoying myself. For once in my life I put myself in front of a class. And obviously, my grade shows for it, but it only dropped my GPA a couple of little 10ths of points, and I will definitely be able to pull it back up to my 3.7 that I have held for a year (only since I dropped from a 3.9).
I wish I could change that I feel responsible for Ryan losing his friends. It's not my fault that he doesn't talk to them anymore. It's not my fault that he doesn't talk to Beth Anne anymore. I gave him the opportunity--I told him I even wanted him to talk to her. I told him that she was an important part of his life, and that maybe she could understand parts of him that I couldn't. But he never listened.
He's become so scared that he'll lose me that he won't make any decisions. I wish sometimes he would hang out with his friends so I could have some time with mine. I basically told him to stay home the other night so I could go out. Ugh, I just wish I knew what to do. Some girls would kill for this kind of guy; the one who waits up for her, who drives her anywhere she wants, who does whatever she wants. But I don't. I want one with an opinion, who makes me work for his time, who makes an attempt to spend time with other friends.
Now, I know his Raleigh friends kind of ditched him. Lindsey (I don't even think she reads this anymore, as obviously Beth Anne doesn't) didn't even make an attempt to call him when she was back from France, even though she never gave him a number to reach her at. He kept talking about her and wanting to hang out with her, but he never had a way. Mary and Austin, I don't even know. He hasn't mentioned them in a long time. Matt attempted to throw a party and invited him, but he didn't feel like he wanted to go. Nish was gone in some other state, but still didn't try to IM him or whatever.
It was hard watching him go through what I had a couple of years ago. He held on to his highschool friends for so long, while I had let go all but a couple of mine after freshman year. It was hard watching him hurt like I did. But I couldn't make him IM them, as I couldn't make them IM him. I tried to help him, but he felt like he already lost them. I wish I could explain it all to them, and honestly, I wish I could explain it to Beth Anne, but I know I'll probably never get the chance. I doubt I would know what to say if I did. I know I can't explain his actions.
As for his friends up here, I don't even know if I give a flying fuck what they think. After they said all that stuff, and didn't even give me an apology, I'm not sure I care what their opinions are. But I know Nick treated Ryan like shit, and if they had a problem with him they should have come to him.
Sigh, so much pent up anger. Maybe rugby season will help get this out. I sure hope so.
Sigh. Another sad entry. I wish I could explain that life really is GREAT up here, and I'm having the summer of my life. I'm just dreading when school starts again and all those peopel come back up here. I'm enjoying not having to deal with their shit.
Sometimes, I wish I knew if Beth Anne knew all this stuff. But I'm pretty sure if she'd read it, she would have replied. So whatever. I guess she moved on, which is awesome for her. I honestly (which is horrible of me) wish she felt bad for breeding this hatred for me in Ryan's friends. But I don't know her, and I don't know why I would expect a certain "class" out of her.
I've never been a "girl's" girl. Guys have always liked me more. I've always had guy friends rather than girlfriends. That's why SAI didn't work out for me, sadly enough. That's why Meghan and Alicia didn't like me either. Either that, or because I was a "huge whale". Yeah, that'll make you throw up all your food. God forbid I digest anything.
All the while, congratulating me on losing weight. I give them the "cool" award of the century.
But the thing that keeps me going are my friends. My true friends. My ruggers, my girls, my CA's and my SAIs. They are true to me. And the guys out at the bars love me, too :) What would I do without their incredible ego-boosting comments. :)
Time for sleep, thank God.