Changes
I'm switching back to my original Journal pic - I feel it more symbolizes me at this point. Angry, jaded, and a bit mad.
I don't really share much in here, as I hardly ever post. I have been a fairly private person, and never felt the need, or maybe courage to bare myself to a lot of people.
Though, I was listening to a song - "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by Offspring and I got to thinking. I will share that I have always been a fan of The Offspring, since I first heard them, when an old, now out of touch friend named Chad, played me the album - Smash.
I should make a point to be less of a coward, and try and move forward, get things done. I'm not sure if I can do that, but I'm going to try and take steps. No serious resolutions on this though, because at heart, I'm a lazy procrastinator.
Tonight, I came home late, because I was hanging out with a guy named Joe, and a girl named Ashley. I went on a date with her a week or more ago. I'm trying to decide what the hell I'm doing, and what she is doing. I'm worried that I am trying to get in a relationship because I feel comfortable in one. It just makes me think that there were several people that I met through the years that I wish I had had the stones to ask out, and I regret it all now considering how all the time I was in that relationship is wasted. I was in a relationship, and it wouldn't have been proper of me to seek out other companionship - too bad not everyone feels the same way. So, now, I think and regret. I don't even know if I could tell these people about my regrets, because that wouldn't be fair to them, especially if they are in any kind of relationship.
When I was in late middle school or early high school, my parents (dad) agreed to watch a dog for a while, because his cousin was making a temporary move to Florida and couldn't bring the dog with them. The dog was a Siberian Husky named Sydney. Beautiful puffy dog. He was an outdoor dog, and wasn't really trained well, but he was a loveable dog. The move turned out to not be so temporary, so Sydney became our dog. I would always enjoy coming home to seeing the dog. Dad walked him much more than I did, since he was mostly dad's dog. Though I liked to go out and hug and pet him. He was tethered to our shed, and had a circle worn into the grass, and a dog house. He loved winter and the snow. He was a staple to come home to, if I was visiting from school or Oswego. A couple years ago he died. Shittly enough on my dad's birthday. Sitting in the carport tonight I realized how much I really miss that dog.
I also really miss my cat Minx. My sister got this orange tabby cat from some college students up in Cornell the year she went to college herself. She attended and graduated from Cazenovia. (Kim is 7 years older than I am). So, the cat stayed here in Ithaca with my parents, and became Mom's cat. I named it Minx, because when we got it, we weren't sure whether the cat was male or female. Male btw. Mom spoiled the cat rotten. He would go outside and inside - sometimes spending several days outside, much to my mom's worry. He got into fights with other cats or animals - sometimes coming home injured. He ended up getting a scar above one of his eyes, and one time came home with a perfect small hole in one of his ears. You could have put an earing in it. He wasn't a very people friendly cat most of the time, though you could sometimes hold him and he'd purr, or he'd get on your lap. Then when he was done, he'd scratch or bite or threaten and wander away. He was a staple of the household, and mom would fix him a little plate of whatever we were eating and put it on the floor for him. I loved my cat. This past year he died. Mom and Dad got a new cat a few months ago. The cat's name is Pepper. She is a small, very sweet cat that loves people. She is almost always found on someone's lap (Dad's). As much as I think she's funny and sweet, I miss Minx (who I considered my cat - since I was the only one that could hold him on his back and scratch his belly. Also, one time when I was arguing with my mom over the phone, Minx wandered over and bit her ;) )
I want to take some of my life back. I want a redo. Go back in time and do the things I didn't have the courage to do before. Rectify all kinds of mistakes. Cut away all the bad things that happened and forget they ever existed. Take advantage and enjoy the things that were good and not take them for granted.
No time machines, no magic powers though. Guess I'm stuck and must move forward with the march of time, and make the best of what I can.
I'll pose a question to any of you that read through all this semi-emotional ramblings and garbage. I'm not sure I really stand a chance with this relationship. I think I already might have fucked something up. (This could all be in my head) Do I continue trying to get anything to work, or do I confront her and ask her point blank if she is actually interested so I don't waste a bunch of time beating my head against the wall? There's the question.
I don't really share much in here, as I hardly ever post. I have been a fairly private person, and never felt the need, or maybe courage to bare myself to a lot of people.
Though, I was listening to a song - "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by Offspring and I got to thinking. I will share that I have always been a fan of The Offspring, since I first heard them, when an old, now out of touch friend named Chad, played me the album - Smash.
I should make a point to be less of a coward, and try and move forward, get things done. I'm not sure if I can do that, but I'm going to try and take steps. No serious resolutions on this though, because at heart, I'm a lazy procrastinator.
Tonight, I came home late, because I was hanging out with a guy named Joe, and a girl named Ashley. I went on a date with her a week or more ago. I'm trying to decide what the hell I'm doing, and what she is doing. I'm worried that I am trying to get in a relationship because I feel comfortable in one. It just makes me think that there were several people that I met through the years that I wish I had had the stones to ask out, and I regret it all now considering how all the time I was in that relationship is wasted. I was in a relationship, and it wouldn't have been proper of me to seek out other companionship - too bad not everyone feels the same way. So, now, I think and regret. I don't even know if I could tell these people about my regrets, because that wouldn't be fair to them, especially if they are in any kind of relationship.
When I was in late middle school or early high school, my parents (dad) agreed to watch a dog for a while, because his cousin was making a temporary move to Florida and couldn't bring the dog with them. The dog was a Siberian Husky named Sydney. Beautiful puffy dog. He was an outdoor dog, and wasn't really trained well, but he was a loveable dog. The move turned out to not be so temporary, so Sydney became our dog. I would always enjoy coming home to seeing the dog. Dad walked him much more than I did, since he was mostly dad's dog. Though I liked to go out and hug and pet him. He was tethered to our shed, and had a circle worn into the grass, and a dog house. He loved winter and the snow. He was a staple to come home to, if I was visiting from school or Oswego. A couple years ago he died. Shittly enough on my dad's birthday. Sitting in the carport tonight I realized how much I really miss that dog.
I also really miss my cat Minx. My sister got this orange tabby cat from some college students up in Cornell the year she went to college herself. She attended and graduated from Cazenovia. (Kim is 7 years older than I am). So, the cat stayed here in Ithaca with my parents, and became Mom's cat. I named it Minx, because when we got it, we weren't sure whether the cat was male or female. Male btw. Mom spoiled the cat rotten. He would go outside and inside - sometimes spending several days outside, much to my mom's worry. He got into fights with other cats or animals - sometimes coming home injured. He ended up getting a scar above one of his eyes, and one time came home with a perfect small hole in one of his ears. You could have put an earing in it. He wasn't a very people friendly cat most of the time, though you could sometimes hold him and he'd purr, or he'd get on your lap. Then when he was done, he'd scratch or bite or threaten and wander away. He was a staple of the household, and mom would fix him a little plate of whatever we were eating and put it on the floor for him. I loved my cat. This past year he died. Mom and Dad got a new cat a few months ago. The cat's name is Pepper. She is a small, very sweet cat that loves people. She is almost always found on someone's lap (Dad's). As much as I think she's funny and sweet, I miss Minx (who I considered my cat - since I was the only one that could hold him on his back and scratch his belly. Also, one time when I was arguing with my mom over the phone, Minx wandered over and bit her ;) )
I want to take some of my life back. I want a redo. Go back in time and do the things I didn't have the courage to do before. Rectify all kinds of mistakes. Cut away all the bad things that happened and forget they ever existed. Take advantage and enjoy the things that were good and not take them for granted.
No time machines, no magic powers though. Guess I'm stuck and must move forward with the march of time, and make the best of what I can.
I'll pose a question to any of you that read through all this semi-emotional ramblings and garbage. I'm not sure I really stand a chance with this relationship. I think I already might have fucked something up. (This could all be in my head) Do I continue trying to get anything to work, or do I confront her and ask her point blank if she is actually interested so I don't waste a bunch of time beating my head against the wall? There's the question.