Is this what they call self destructive behavior?
Have you ever had one of those days where you felt really smart and it seemed like people around you though you said smart things as well?
Now, have you ever had one of those days where it seems like everything that comes out of your mouth gets shot down? You just feel so stupid, and everything you do is stupid and everything you say or think is stupid.
Now, have you ever had all that in one day?
That is the best description I can give you of my day today, or well, technically yesterday I suppose.
Unfortunatly for present Bethy, the second half of the day was the stupid part. So, I'm still colored grey-blue, maybe even blue. Naw, I don't think I care enough to be blue.
So here I sit at almost two in the morning, tired as all get out, but restless. I should have just laid there till I fell asleep, but no, that makes too much sense. I must make things dificult for myself.
So how do I feel, what do I want, could you tell me? What is this state of being Bethany? Do you have a crayon for this mood? I feel naked, like I never want to sleep or eat again. I simply want to be. Soon I probably won't even want that. It's not all that bad yet, I need to reach for the recent past instead of reaching towards the iminent danger in the future.
Loneliness, maybe that's it. However I don't hurt enough to call this loneliness. It almost doesn't matter that much. I feel dead, outside and in.
I'm scared, fear is something I've been living with lately. I don't know why. And fear has driven me to make one of the worst decisions I hopefully will ever make. But I will pay and that mistake will only own me for a short time after. Life goes on, and as Abby said tonight, it just never gets better.
Maybe I'll go brush my teeth again. Perhaps if I brush enough I'll remove the film over my face. Maybe I will smell like someone else. Like a green and white tube of paste. But that too will fade. Do I claim to be deeper than I am? I hate that.
I gave love advice to the ex love of my life tonight. He wants me to help him get this girl. A girl who's probably prettier, probably more emotionally stable, and probably more spiritual. If he screws her up, who will he have to blame? No disorder is found for a scape goat. Do I miss him? I don’t know. "There's no need to argue anymore." There's nothing left. I love someone else now. I’m making no commitment at the time, because there is none to be had, but none the less I love him. I’m a fermata, hold me.
Why do I always have to be one or the other? I’m going to go throw up I’ve decided. Throw up and lie on the floor till I pass out. Who needs alcohol? I can have just as much fun being depressed! Haha …. I’m really not laughing
Should I post this, or should I create a façade to maintain the good times I’ve had in my recent past. I just promised someone that I was doing wonderfully today. I probably just need sleep. Sleep it is then. Night
Now, have you ever had one of those days where it seems like everything that comes out of your mouth gets shot down? You just feel so stupid, and everything you do is stupid and everything you say or think is stupid.
Now, have you ever had all that in one day?
That is the best description I can give you of my day today, or well, technically yesterday I suppose.
Unfortunatly for present Bethy, the second half of the day was the stupid part. So, I'm still colored grey-blue, maybe even blue. Naw, I don't think I care enough to be blue.
So here I sit at almost two in the morning, tired as all get out, but restless. I should have just laid there till I fell asleep, but no, that makes too much sense. I must make things dificult for myself.
So how do I feel, what do I want, could you tell me? What is this state of being Bethany? Do you have a crayon for this mood? I feel naked, like I never want to sleep or eat again. I simply want to be. Soon I probably won't even want that. It's not all that bad yet, I need to reach for the recent past instead of reaching towards the iminent danger in the future.
Loneliness, maybe that's it. However I don't hurt enough to call this loneliness. It almost doesn't matter that much. I feel dead, outside and in.
I'm scared, fear is something I've been living with lately. I don't know why. And fear has driven me to make one of the worst decisions I hopefully will ever make. But I will pay and that mistake will only own me for a short time after. Life goes on, and as Abby said tonight, it just never gets better.
Maybe I'll go brush my teeth again. Perhaps if I brush enough I'll remove the film over my face. Maybe I will smell like someone else. Like a green and white tube of paste. But that too will fade. Do I claim to be deeper than I am? I hate that.
I gave love advice to the ex love of my life tonight. He wants me to help him get this girl. A girl who's probably prettier, probably more emotionally stable, and probably more spiritual. If he screws her up, who will he have to blame? No disorder is found for a scape goat. Do I miss him? I don’t know. "There's no need to argue anymore." There's nothing left. I love someone else now. I’m making no commitment at the time, because there is none to be had, but none the less I love him. I’m a fermata, hold me.
Why do I always have to be one or the other? I’m going to go throw up I’ve decided. Throw up and lie on the floor till I pass out. Who needs alcohol? I can have just as much fun being depressed! Haha …. I’m really not laughing
Should I post this, or should I create a façade to maintain the good times I’ve had in my recent past. I just promised someone that I was doing wonderfully today. I probably just need sleep. Sleep it is then. Night