-->One way relationships-->
Apparently I’m an unkind two faced mean bitch who plays passive aggressive games and I need to watch my back. There was some filler in there, but that’s the gist of it. This is what being honest and up front got me tonight. This is what trying to be a friend got me. This is what trying to avoid conflict got me. This is what giving someone another chance after I caught her in a lie got me. Oh that’s right. I never told her that I caught her in a lie. I wanted to believe she was better than that. I wanted to avoid conflict. I wanted to stay friends. I wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen again. I guess I can’t say the lie happened again but the temper flared up again and this time it was directed at me. A temper is a dangerous thing. I should know; I have one myself. I don’t have much patience. I am irritable. I get frustrated. I try not to take it out on other people, especially when they are not intentionally the direct cause of my ire. I am not perfect. It does not always work out that way. I hereby apologize to all friends past, present, and future (who knows what might set me off down the road) who I have unleashed my temper on unjustly. That being said, I have kept things in check lately. I was not the one who snapped. I tried not to get involved. I walked calmly away. I don’t need drama when I just want to smooth things over.
Here’s the deal. Clayton and I are getting married (I know, I still haven’t finished writing on that one). You don’t have to like him and you don’t have to like it. He doesn’t like all of my friends and I don’t like all of his friends, but he likes some of them and I like some of them. I respect that he is friends with them and I just don’t get involved with the ones I don’t like. I don’t cause drama, I don’t talk shit, I respect their relationship, and I steer clear. I don’t expect him to do everything with me and I try to continue to have friends and a life outside of our relationship. I want to do what I want to do whether he is in it with me or not. Hell, I’m going to New Zealand for 3 weeks alone (that’s a whole new topic). Good news everyone (I am stating this as the Professor on Futurama), if you don’t like Clayton and you don’t approve of our relationship, we can still be friends provided you can be civil. If you think I am making a terrible mistake in this marriage, feel free to tell me about it, but you’d better have something to back up your arguments other than you have a personality conflict. Your sob story about me ruining my life better be about something substantial, lying, cheating, drug use, violence, the horrible things he does behind my back, I dunno, I think you’ll have a hard time with this one. He’s been nothing but loving and kind to me. He’s honest and up front and there’s no bullshit about it. He’s better with kids and dogs and cats than he is with most adults, and there’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll be a good father some day. He treats me with respect and takes care of me (and Sunshine) and shares his knowledge and his heart. He brings me coffee in bed, he rides at Keystone, he comes home after work to take the dogs on the trail so I can work on my own business. I don’t want drama in my life, he doesn’t bring it, and if you can’t be an adult and be civil I’m not sure what to say.
Speaking of drama… I had another friend ask me this week to testify in court. The case has nothing to do with me. I know nothing about it. I’m still totally unclear what I’m supposed to testify about or how it has anything to do with me. Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t. I’m not connected to the case whatsoever. Talk about bringing me into drama.
And of course my family wants me to come home for Christmas, but it’s not really going home, it’s going to NC and the extended family won’t be there. And the cheap plane tix are $800 and I have no PTO, and it’s not that I don’t want to see them, but 12 hours of travel each way to be somewhere for 24-48 is a lot, and it’s stressful, and why am I always expected to fly east? Why doesn’t anyone fly west? It’s my birthday. I want to snowboard and snuggle and spend time on the trail, not time on the road and at the airport. I would gladly cook a feast if I thought anyone would show up to eat it. The year of my brother’s wedding I flew east 6 times (not all for the wedding, but all for various family affairs), it’s been at least 5 years since he’s flown out here, and most of my family has never been here at all (I have lived in CO for 10 years now, my driver's license is actually about to expire). I’m not bitter, just disappointed. I love them and I miss them and I’m expected to fly east always but it’s no easier for me than it would be for then. Am I again pouring my heart into one way relationships? Wow, full circle, I think that’s where this post started, with me pouring my heart into a one way relationship and being told to fuck off. Harsh.
So if I can’t count on others I can count on myself. I am strong. My one and only grandmother would tell you I’m independent. And I am going to New Zealand. Alone. And I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve never travelled overseas. I’ve never been backpacking for so long or spent so many nights in a tent alone, and I can’t wait. I never for a minute wanted anyone to join me on this trip. It’s not that I don’t love my friends (or my fiance), but sometimes you gotta do things for yourself. I am a firm believer in the notion that it’s ok to be selfish because if you don’t care enough to take care of yourself, who else will? Who best to chase your dreams than yourself? The other day I had two separate totally unrelated friends express an interest in following my trip online. Even though I fancy myself a bit of a writer, I hadn’t really thought about it. I write for myself generally and not for others. Also I am rarely satisfied with my travel writing because it’s such an intense magical personal experience I never feel I can adequately capture it. Additionally I was not planning on carrying a computer, pen, paper, etc. nor do I plan on having cell service or internet access or anything on my trip, I will be in the wilderness and need to carry everything on my back for the better part of a month. I’ll need to think on this.
That about sums it up, aside from the engagement, which I shall write about another day.
Here’s the deal. Clayton and I are getting married (I know, I still haven’t finished writing on that one). You don’t have to like him and you don’t have to like it. He doesn’t like all of my friends and I don’t like all of his friends, but he likes some of them and I like some of them. I respect that he is friends with them and I just don’t get involved with the ones I don’t like. I don’t cause drama, I don’t talk shit, I respect their relationship, and I steer clear. I don’t expect him to do everything with me and I try to continue to have friends and a life outside of our relationship. I want to do what I want to do whether he is in it with me or not. Hell, I’m going to New Zealand for 3 weeks alone (that’s a whole new topic). Good news everyone (I am stating this as the Professor on Futurama), if you don’t like Clayton and you don’t approve of our relationship, we can still be friends provided you can be civil. If you think I am making a terrible mistake in this marriage, feel free to tell me about it, but you’d better have something to back up your arguments other than you have a personality conflict. Your sob story about me ruining my life better be about something substantial, lying, cheating, drug use, violence, the horrible things he does behind my back, I dunno, I think you’ll have a hard time with this one. He’s been nothing but loving and kind to me. He’s honest and up front and there’s no bullshit about it. He’s better with kids and dogs and cats than he is with most adults, and there’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll be a good father some day. He treats me with respect and takes care of me (and Sunshine) and shares his knowledge and his heart. He brings me coffee in bed, he rides at Keystone, he comes home after work to take the dogs on the trail so I can work on my own business. I don’t want drama in my life, he doesn’t bring it, and if you can’t be an adult and be civil I’m not sure what to say.
Speaking of drama… I had another friend ask me this week to testify in court. The case has nothing to do with me. I know nothing about it. I’m still totally unclear what I’m supposed to testify about or how it has anything to do with me. Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t. I’m not connected to the case whatsoever. Talk about bringing me into drama.
And of course my family wants me to come home for Christmas, but it’s not really going home, it’s going to NC and the extended family won’t be there. And the cheap plane tix are $800 and I have no PTO, and it’s not that I don’t want to see them, but 12 hours of travel each way to be somewhere for 24-48 is a lot, and it’s stressful, and why am I always expected to fly east? Why doesn’t anyone fly west? It’s my birthday. I want to snowboard and snuggle and spend time on the trail, not time on the road and at the airport. I would gladly cook a feast if I thought anyone would show up to eat it. The year of my brother’s wedding I flew east 6 times (not all for the wedding, but all for various family affairs), it’s been at least 5 years since he’s flown out here, and most of my family has never been here at all (I have lived in CO for 10 years now, my driver's license is actually about to expire). I’m not bitter, just disappointed. I love them and I miss them and I’m expected to fly east always but it’s no easier for me than it would be for then. Am I again pouring my heart into one way relationships? Wow, full circle, I think that’s where this post started, with me pouring my heart into a one way relationship and being told to fuck off. Harsh.
So if I can’t count on others I can count on myself. I am strong. My one and only grandmother would tell you I’m independent. And I am going to New Zealand. Alone. And I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve never travelled overseas. I’ve never been backpacking for so long or spent so many nights in a tent alone, and I can’t wait. I never for a minute wanted anyone to join me on this trip. It’s not that I don’t love my friends (or my fiance), but sometimes you gotta do things for yourself. I am a firm believer in the notion that it’s ok to be selfish because if you don’t care enough to take care of yourself, who else will? Who best to chase your dreams than yourself? The other day I had two separate totally unrelated friends express an interest in following my trip online. Even though I fancy myself a bit of a writer, I hadn’t really thought about it. I write for myself generally and not for others. Also I am rarely satisfied with my travel writing because it’s such an intense magical personal experience I never feel I can adequately capture it. Additionally I was not planning on carrying a computer, pen, paper, etc. nor do I plan on having cell service or internet access or anything on my trip, I will be in the wilderness and need to carry everything on my back for the better part of a month. I’ll need to think on this.
That about sums it up, aside from the engagement, which I shall write about another day.