Doubts and Worries
Sometimes, it's hard to put up with myself. It's only been ONE WEEK with Casey and I and I'm already waiting for the world to cave in on top of me. ANYTHING that goes right in my life...I'm forever just sitting back and expecting disaster to knock down my door at any moment. So, yeah, that's been today for me. Just when I start to feel like things are starting to fall into place my mind can't stop thinking that something bad is going to happen. I'm going to screw things up somehow.
Casey is an AMAZING guy. AMAZING. I'm comfortable with him, I trust him (yeah, scary...I know), he's funny, smart and fun to be around. I'm just waiting for him to wake up and realize that I'm not as great as he's fooled himself into thinking that I am. Like, one day his eyes are going to open up and actually SEE me. And God knows with all my trust issues with men...every word that comes out of his mouth I want to dismiss in a heartbeat. It's SO HARD for me to try and listen and FEEL that what he says might be sincere. I just want to deny it and put it away...but I feel like in doing that I'm denying him and pushing him away. If what he says he feels is truly how he feels...then I don't want to push that away, because I appreciate it. It's just hard for me to accept sincerity. I guess I feel that if I accept what he says he feels...then I have to open up that part of my heart that I've closed off for so long. That part doesn't want to get hurt again, but I want to give him a fair chance and let him be able to HAVE that part of my heart open to him...even if it's for him to damage.
Yeah, these are the times that's I'm completely positive that I have female emotions somewhere in me...'cause I overthink EVERYTHING. And yes, I took my medicine. lol. I just think that I'm ALWAYS going to be expecting the sky to fall just because it always has. I mean, if this is something I've always been used to happening...why wouldn't I expect it to happen again? Oy. I MUST change the way my mind thinks. Not EVERYTHING in life can turn out horribly...can it?
As painful as this year has been for me...I've also had my socks blessed clean off. I've made some REALLY amazing friends over the past year. Of course, I still miss my old friends...some are still here...some have moved away. And I still love them to death...but I'm also SO very grateful that I've made new friends too. I have to say that Jessie and Amber have completely blown me away with how much they love me and care about me. They completely mean the world to me. ALL of my small group girls have completely blown me away too. Those girls...are simply AMAZING. They've also blessed my socks off and helped me learn a lot about myself and God. (And I thought I was supposed to be helping THEM learn? lol. Silly me.)
Anyway...as much as it sounds like I only worry about myself...I don't. Kristen and Stephanie M. have been on my mind SO much lately it's insane. I just love those girls more than life itself and I just wish there was something more I could do for the both of them. I'd so much rather take my friends problems on myself than have to see them go through it. They deserve SO much better. But, I'm praying non-stop for those girls.
Anyway...I stole these from 'Some, 'cause they're amazing (although I don't believe all of them):
80 THINGS A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW & BELIEVE
1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man's behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship- take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
23. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
24. Be honest and up-front.
25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).
27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.
29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.
31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more, nothing less.
33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
36. Actions speak louder than words.
37. Never let a man define who you are.
38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
39. Never borrow someone else's man.
40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.
42. To use painful hard-won wisdom- 'get it right' the next time.
43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the number 1 person in your life.
44. Love is a verb.
45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable available, someone ungiving giving, and someone unloving loving.
46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
47. All men are NOT dogs.
48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
49. If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else.
50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.
51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
55. Never become your man's "therapist".
56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can mend it, but it takes two to make it work.
58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.
59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.
60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you. You can't force a man to hang out with you.
61. If he's not someone you would let your daughter date, you shouldn't either.
62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
63. Never move into his mother's house.
64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.
65. Never co-sign for a man.
66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
67. Don't be the one always spoiling your man; let him spoil you.
68. Never let a man mess up your credit.
69. When it's time to let go; let go.
70. Good men should be treated like good men.
71. Don't play games.
72. You can't make a whore into a housewife - or husband.
73. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.
75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts. Lol...
76. Never believe a man who says "that's just my baby momma", you can be sure, there'll be drama.
77. Never believe a man that tells you he want to be with you, while he's with someone else - if he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen more sooner than later.
78. Don't be a man's door mat , make him open the door for you, because a real man would do this on his own.
79. Dealings with a married man, most likely won't work out in your favor.
80. There is someone out there worthy to be in your life, let out the trash so he can come in
Casey is an AMAZING guy. AMAZING. I'm comfortable with him, I trust him (yeah, scary...I know), he's funny, smart and fun to be around. I'm just waiting for him to wake up and realize that I'm not as great as he's fooled himself into thinking that I am. Like, one day his eyes are going to open up and actually SEE me. And God knows with all my trust issues with men...every word that comes out of his mouth I want to dismiss in a heartbeat. It's SO HARD for me to try and listen and FEEL that what he says might be sincere. I just want to deny it and put it away...but I feel like in doing that I'm denying him and pushing him away. If what he says he feels is truly how he feels...then I don't want to push that away, because I appreciate it. It's just hard for me to accept sincerity. I guess I feel that if I accept what he says he feels...then I have to open up that part of my heart that I've closed off for so long. That part doesn't want to get hurt again, but I want to give him a fair chance and let him be able to HAVE that part of my heart open to him...even if it's for him to damage.
Yeah, these are the times that's I'm completely positive that I have female emotions somewhere in me...'cause I overthink EVERYTHING. And yes, I took my medicine. lol. I just think that I'm ALWAYS going to be expecting the sky to fall just because it always has. I mean, if this is something I've always been used to happening...why wouldn't I expect it to happen again? Oy. I MUST change the way my mind thinks. Not EVERYTHING in life can turn out horribly...can it?
As painful as this year has been for me...I've also had my socks blessed clean off. I've made some REALLY amazing friends over the past year. Of course, I still miss my old friends...some are still here...some have moved away. And I still love them to death...but I'm also SO very grateful that I've made new friends too. I have to say that Jessie and Amber have completely blown me away with how much they love me and care about me. They completely mean the world to me. ALL of my small group girls have completely blown me away too. Those girls...are simply AMAZING. They've also blessed my socks off and helped me learn a lot about myself and God. (And I thought I was supposed to be helping THEM learn? lol. Silly me.)
Anyway...as much as it sounds like I only worry about myself...I don't. Kristen and Stephanie M. have been on my mind SO much lately it's insane. I just love those girls more than life itself and I just wish there was something more I could do for the both of them. I'd so much rather take my friends problems on myself than have to see them go through it. They deserve SO much better. But, I'm praying non-stop for those girls.
Anyway...I stole these from 'Some, 'cause they're amazing (although I don't believe all of them):
80 THINGS A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW & BELIEVE
1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man's behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship- take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
23. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
24. Be honest and up-front.
25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).
27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.
29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.
31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more, nothing less.
33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
36. Actions speak louder than words.
37. Never let a man define who you are.
38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
39. Never borrow someone else's man.
40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.
42. To use painful hard-won wisdom- 'get it right' the next time.
43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the number 1 person in your life.
44. Love is a verb.
45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable available, someone ungiving giving, and someone unloving loving.
46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
47. All men are NOT dogs.
48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
49. If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else.
50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.
51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
55. Never become your man's "therapist".
56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can mend it, but it takes two to make it work.
58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.
59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.
60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you. You can't force a man to hang out with you.
61. If he's not someone you would let your daughter date, you shouldn't either.
62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
63. Never move into his mother's house.
64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.
65. Never co-sign for a man.
66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
67. Don't be the one always spoiling your man; let him spoil you.
68. Never let a man mess up your credit.
69. When it's time to let go; let go.
70. Good men should be treated like good men.
71. Don't play games.
72. You can't make a whore into a housewife - or husband.
73. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.
75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts. Lol...
76. Never believe a man who says "that's just my baby momma", you can be sure, there'll be drama.
77. Never believe a man that tells you he want to be with you, while he's with someone else - if he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen more sooner than later.
78. Don't be a man's door mat , make him open the door for you, because a real man would do this on his own.
79. Dealings with a married man, most likely won't work out in your favor.
80. There is someone out there worthy to be in your life, let out the trash so he can come in