A Letter to Myself I Never Wrote
The only people for me are the mad ones... burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
- Jack Kerouac
And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.
- Sylvia Plath
In a profound sense every man has two halves his being; he is not one person so much as two persons trying to act in unison. I believe that in the heart of each human being there is something which I can only describe as a "child of darkness" who is equal and complementary to the more obvious "child of light."
- Laurens van der Post
Dear ____________.
Step 8. Making amends.
Doubt magnifies itself until the brashest fire is small enough to fit under a teacup. I see my part in your hiding your light from the world, and I am so sorry I doubted you.
I was wrong to hurt you. I treated you badly and thought the worst of you. I made sure you knew I saw you as incompetent and slow. I judged you for your mistakes and your insecurities, even as I fed those tiny demons with whispered insults in your inner ear. I compared you to everyone not-you and found you lacking in mind, body and spirit. I called you a failure loud enough for you to hear. I said it so many times you got dull and dim and started to believe it was true.
I was afraid to see the best in you, but my heart has been turned upside-down and inside-out; I know now that I hated you because I was terrified of your potential. Light is light except when it's fire, and I couldn't tell if you were going to consume me or help me see the way. I was intimidated by the specter of your success.
I was afraid and fear can take over until we cannot see the good right in front of our weary eyes. I was jealous; if I let you be who you are, I might lose myself. It's years later and I lost myself anyway, in my own spite, and neither of us got as far as we could have if I'd looked at you with kinder eyes.
I should have cherished you as the lamp that you were rather than convincing both of us that we'd never survive the darkness. That was the most insidious thing I did to you; I sat with you and told you in my sweetest, most helpful voice that it's such a shame your firework was a dud. I was your false friend and I wore you down the way only those who know us intimately can.
I was the thing that lurked in your shadow, ready to dig my claws in and pull you down. I wanted you to suffer and to fail. I got my hooks in you and every time you tried to pull them out, I reeled you back in with an insult in a compliment's clothes and a bucket of water to douse any ember that remained.
I am truly sorry for the doubts, for every time I undermined your confidence with a well-placed jab, for each moment that I intentionally ignored all that you had to offer the world. I should have been your fiercest ally, because only through that kind of faith will we all be saved.
From this moment forward, I will be your loudest cheerleader and your most passionate advocate. I cannot guarantee that my insecurities will never rise again, but I promise you I won't let them push me to that place where smothering your little flame seems logical or a kindness.
You are bright, you are smart, you work hard, you try your best to be ethical and kind, and I'm honored to have you as an example of love in my life.
I am proud of you. I believe in you.
And it's not too late for Roman candles.
Love,
Beth
- Jack Kerouac
And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.
- Sylvia Plath
In a profound sense every man has two halves his being; he is not one person so much as two persons trying to act in unison. I believe that in the heart of each human being there is something which I can only describe as a "child of darkness" who is equal and complementary to the more obvious "child of light."
- Laurens van der Post
Dear ____________.
Step 8. Making amends.
Doubt magnifies itself until the brashest fire is small enough to fit under a teacup. I see my part in your hiding your light from the world, and I am so sorry I doubted you.
I was wrong to hurt you. I treated you badly and thought the worst of you. I made sure you knew I saw you as incompetent and slow. I judged you for your mistakes and your insecurities, even as I fed those tiny demons with whispered insults in your inner ear. I compared you to everyone not-you and found you lacking in mind, body and spirit. I called you a failure loud enough for you to hear. I said it so many times you got dull and dim and started to believe it was true.
I was afraid to see the best in you, but my heart has been turned upside-down and inside-out; I know now that I hated you because I was terrified of your potential. Light is light except when it's fire, and I couldn't tell if you were going to consume me or help me see the way. I was intimidated by the specter of your success.
I was afraid and fear can take over until we cannot see the good right in front of our weary eyes. I was jealous; if I let you be who you are, I might lose myself. It's years later and I lost myself anyway, in my own spite, and neither of us got as far as we could have if I'd looked at you with kinder eyes.
I should have cherished you as the lamp that you were rather than convincing both of us that we'd never survive the darkness. That was the most insidious thing I did to you; I sat with you and told you in my sweetest, most helpful voice that it's such a shame your firework was a dud. I was your false friend and I wore you down the way only those who know us intimately can.
I was the thing that lurked in your shadow, ready to dig my claws in and pull you down. I wanted you to suffer and to fail. I got my hooks in you and every time you tried to pull them out, I reeled you back in with an insult in a compliment's clothes and a bucket of water to douse any ember that remained.
I am truly sorry for the doubts, for every time I undermined your confidence with a well-placed jab, for each moment that I intentionally ignored all that you had to offer the world. I should have been your fiercest ally, because only through that kind of faith will we all be saved.
From this moment forward, I will be your loudest cheerleader and your most passionate advocate. I cannot guarantee that my insecurities will never rise again, but I promise you I won't let them push me to that place where smothering your little flame seems logical or a kindness.
You are bright, you are smart, you work hard, you try your best to be ethical and kind, and I'm honored to have you as an example of love in my life.
I am proud of you. I believe in you.
And it's not too late for Roman candles.
Love,
Beth