oh how it all crashes just like that.
so jose asked me to "just try" to be with him. i fell in love with him again. and the hen crushed me to pieces. i am yet broken again. i hate him so much. i feel like ill never heal because he has been such an impact in my life. he has ALWAYS been there. and now he is no more. not even friends. i hate what he did to me so much that i honestly hate him. he isnt a nice person anymore. he has changed. hes concieted and full of himself.
my heart hurts so bad. i am so lost. i am so sick of being sad all the time. i know theres this yearning inside of me that wants to be happy. i can feel it. but life is bringing me down. the thing with jose is ludacris if you ask me. i spent 3 years getting over him. then i spent 2 years getting over him and brandon. as soon as i realized i was over brandon (which i say that term loosely..because i would go back to brandon in a heartbeat if i could) my heart somehow let jose in because jose was being mr. perfect. then BOOM once he had me he just played and fucked me over. now im sitting here wondering how i could let this happen. i spent the last 2 years not letting any guy close enough to where he could love me, because i couldnt handle another heartbreak. how could i not of trusted jose though? even jenna told me too. fuck. how long will the pain last? its not an ordinary break up, we didnt even officially start dating again..but hes so embedded in my life..he tried for years and years to get me back..not knowing that jose wants me is killing me! jenna told me to take this as a good thing. jose has fucked up every relationship i have ever had in the past..like my best two..david and brandon. (other than jose ofcourse) so maybe now the nest guy i date, jose wont fuck it up, because he wont care because he is over me. he is no longer in love with me. wow, it stung to type that. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
well now that i have finished talking about that..lets acess my future living situation plans.
living with jenna is awesome. it has been a great two years living with her.
but, our lease will be up soon, and i have to decide where i will be living my next phase of life.
my options.
1. stay in ypsilanti. live with jenna for another year.
pros:
i love living with jenna!!!!!
i have a job in ypsi
stoney and orange love eachother.
cons:
i am straight up not content or happy here.
i need to get away from jose. i hate him.
my job doesnt pay me enough to live.
i am anxious all the time.
2. move home to howell, live with my mom.
pros:
internet.
i can maybe learn to drive.
no rent!
cons:
i hate living in howell.
i hate living with my mom.
stoney will be very unhappy.
i have no job here.
i am scared to move back home.
i am terrified to be away from jose even though i know its over.
3. going off on an adventure.
pros:
this is what i really want to do.
i get to see the world.
i get to be true to myself..im a nature girl.
this is the perfect time..nothing is holding me back.
cons:
everyone thinks this is running away
that its unsafe
that im crazy.
my cat stoney.
i will have no job or place to live.
can i really travel the world and live in the woods?
everyone thinks im running away from life.
but i think im running towards life.
my heart hurts so bad. i am so lost. i am so sick of being sad all the time. i know theres this yearning inside of me that wants to be happy. i can feel it. but life is bringing me down. the thing with jose is ludacris if you ask me. i spent 3 years getting over him. then i spent 2 years getting over him and brandon. as soon as i realized i was over brandon (which i say that term loosely..because i would go back to brandon in a heartbeat if i could) my heart somehow let jose in because jose was being mr. perfect. then BOOM once he had me he just played and fucked me over. now im sitting here wondering how i could let this happen. i spent the last 2 years not letting any guy close enough to where he could love me, because i couldnt handle another heartbreak. how could i not of trusted jose though? even jenna told me too. fuck. how long will the pain last? its not an ordinary break up, we didnt even officially start dating again..but hes so embedded in my life..he tried for years and years to get me back..not knowing that jose wants me is killing me! jenna told me to take this as a good thing. jose has fucked up every relationship i have ever had in the past..like my best two..david and brandon. (other than jose ofcourse) so maybe now the nest guy i date, jose wont fuck it up, because he wont care because he is over me. he is no longer in love with me. wow, it stung to type that. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
well now that i have finished talking about that..lets acess my future living situation plans.
living with jenna is awesome. it has been a great two years living with her.
but, our lease will be up soon, and i have to decide where i will be living my next phase of life.
my options.
1. stay in ypsilanti. live with jenna for another year.
pros:
i love living with jenna!!!!!
i have a job in ypsi
stoney and orange love eachother.
cons:
i am straight up not content or happy here.
i need to get away from jose. i hate him.
my job doesnt pay me enough to live.
i am anxious all the time.
2. move home to howell, live with my mom.
pros:
internet.
i can maybe learn to drive.
no rent!
cons:
i hate living in howell.
i hate living with my mom.
stoney will be very unhappy.
i have no job here.
i am scared to move back home.
i am terrified to be away from jose even though i know its over.
3. going off on an adventure.
pros:
this is what i really want to do.
i get to see the world.
i get to be true to myself..im a nature girl.
this is the perfect time..nothing is holding me back.
cons:
everyone thinks this is running away
that its unsafe
that im crazy.
my cat stoney.
i will have no job or place to live.
can i really travel the world and live in the woods?
everyone thinks im running away from life.
but i think im running towards life.