I, Me, Myself
I have separated the first part of the previous post because it doesn't really have anything to do with the topic I discuss there.
And I've added some things, so if you have read the previous one and aren't tired to the death by my endless talking, skip the first part and look at the last paragraph.
During the last few months I've realized the necessity of summarizing - more for myself than for somebody, and almost no-one reads this goddamn journal anyway - some of the things that are important about myself.
I was born in Moscow, I've spent eight years in Germany, and I speak three languages. English is the easiest language for me to be used when speaking of things that are important. My twisted pseudo-polyglotic mind, through the capacity of expressing itself well in three languages, has become too sensitive to things expressed in my only true mother tongue. Anything said in Russian instantly seems too honest, too down-to-the-soul, too naked. The same thing expressed in German shows a little more distance, and still the same thing said in English is fine and beautiful and isn't really about me anymore.
Song lyrics in English can be anything, song lyrics in Russian have to be just right, not too soppy, not too plain, not too weird.
I am twenty-three years old and have been convinced, for the last two years already, that I am twenty-four. In little more than two months I'll finally grow into my "inner age", and I think I'll be staying there for about the next decade.
I am smart, and I am funny.
I am pretty, at the very least. There are some people (not too many) who think (and say) that I'm beautiful.
I am married.
I have the wonderful gift to make friends with people I want to make friends with. There hasn't been a case, not one, that I liked somebody, i mean really liked, and couldn't get them to like me.
And I doubt everything. In my whole life, in everything I do, I am first and foremost a sceptic. And a rationalist, and a pragmatic, and whatever little part of me isn't yet is gonna be, soon.
I find that with every day, my formerly emotion-and-intuition-based view of the world gives way to rationality. I calculate, weigh and decide. I purposely kill what's left in me of not-rationally-based-judgement. Most of it dies by itself.
It isn't easy but it seems right, to me.
Every feeling I have I tend to scrutinize under the microscope of self-analysis, everything that is naive and soft and just-intuition-with-no-rational-explanation I kill, or ignore it and let it wither by itself.
And I am giong to continue doing that. We'll see what I'll be like this time next year...