Fic: Love Notes
This was written for lost_spook's Obscure & British fest, for this prompt: Discworld/Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, when two footnotes love each other . . . Seriously, how could I resist?
Love Notes
3 It was odd that so wealthy a man - for Lord Portishead counted large portions of England a among his possessions - should have been so self-effacing, but such was the case.
a The name ‘England’ will be unfamiliar to most readers. Although the word appears strange and barbarous to the untutored eye and ear, it is not entirely unknown to the true scholar of magical lore, as it appears not less than four and one-half times in the celebrated Omnibus of Fantastickal Realmes.4
4 We have never heard of this spurious text, the Omnibus of Fantastickal Realmes, and find in its preposterous claims no cause whatsoever for celebration. No scholar of any merit or reputation could dismiss England as ‘barbarous’ or ‘strange’.b
b A scholar of merit and reputation must consider the exquisite and euphonious charms and exotic etymological roots of this strange word, ‘England’. Who, or what, is the mysterious ‘Eng’ for whom Eng-land is named? The liquid nasal implies a possible origin in the Agatean Empire, that fascinating and romantic realm that holds mysterious sway over the mysterious Counterweight Continent. Was the mysterious Eng a noble voyager from this far land? Whence came he, where went he, and what did he discover in the fair and fanciful purlieu of Eng-land? 5
5 No opus of any merit or reputation, or indeed any scrap of originality or style, would commit such an egregious solecism as to use the word ‘mysterious’ four times in three sentences.c
c You call it an egregious solecism, I call it . . . well, actually, you’re right. It’s really quite a dreadful mess as paragraphs go, isn’t it? 6 Do forgive me. I’m supposed to be a lexicon, not a geography.
6 You’re certainly not a style manual. But at least you’re able to admit the gaffe.d What is a lexicon doing on this shelf anyway? Isn’t this supposed to be histories?
d Mind the gaffe!
6 cont’d Ha ha, very funny. But really, I’m afraid I may be on the wrong shelf. Not that I recognised any of the other histories on the other shelf. This is really a terribly odd place. Is this the realm of the Raven King? e Please don’t let it be the realm of the Raven King. He’s such a frightful man.
e Our histories (which are two sections down and one shelf over, but never mind, they’re a flabby lot, dull and dusty and pompous) never mentioned this Raven King.7 I think he must belong to some other realm. We did have a Nearly Jet-Black King in Überwald, back when it was ramping up to become the Dark Empire but hadn’t quite gotten as black as all that, and the family of Count Crowf was important for a good many years in the pawnshop industry in Genua. They were quite keen on anything shiny, you know.
f I’m not all that certain he was a real Count, now you mention it. He didn’t wear a cape or talk with an Überwaltian accent, and the only thing he liked counting was money. Well, that and shiny things.
7 You’re quite sure of that? No Raven King? g
g Never heard of him. Perhaps he’s dead.§
§ THE RAVEN KING IS NOT DEAD. HE HAS NEVER BEEN ALIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND IS NOT SUBJECT TO DEATH. ACCORDINGLY, HE HAS NO PLACE HERE. I FORBID IT.
g cont’d Um. Righty-oh then. That settles that little problem.8
8 I’m not going to ask who that was. I don’t think I want to know.h
h Quite right. You don’t.9
9 So. Well then.i
i You know, you don’t have to be in any hurry to go back to the histories shelf. It’s really very nice having someone to talk to who’s interested in something other than lichens or cats or horrible ways of dying from noxious diseases. And you have the most lovely, elegant binding I’ve ever seen. Is that real calfskin? 10
10 Um, thank you . . . you’re very sweet, you know. Can you tell me more about this Agatean Empire? I’ve never heard of it. This whole place sounds less . . .j
j Alarming? Dangerous? Precarious? Jellifying? 11
11 I think we’ll go with ‘precarious’. Yes, this place definitely seems far less - precarious - than my home was. You’re an admirable lexicon, you know, even if you do talk a lot of nonsense.k
k
11 cont’d I’ve never seen a lexicon turn that particular shade of . . .l
l Pink? Crimson? Garnet? Claret? Incarnadine? 12
12 Garnet, I think. Quite elegant.
“Ook,” said the librarian thoughtfully, and moved on, leaving the first edition of The History and Practice of English Magic on the shelf between The Dictionary of Eye-Watering Words and The Ultimate Compendium of Impractical Cats Doing Cute Things, where some erring wizardly hand had mis-shelved it. There are wonders and mysteries in the world that no academic should bar, even in the name of a properly organized library.
Love Notes
3 It was odd that so wealthy a man - for Lord Portishead counted large portions of England a among his possessions - should have been so self-effacing, but such was the case.
a The name ‘England’ will be unfamiliar to most readers. Although the word appears strange and barbarous to the untutored eye and ear, it is not entirely unknown to the true scholar of magical lore, as it appears not less than four and one-half times in the celebrated Omnibus of Fantastickal Realmes.4
4 We have never heard of this spurious text, the Omnibus of Fantastickal Realmes, and find in its preposterous claims no cause whatsoever for celebration. No scholar of any merit or reputation could dismiss England as ‘barbarous’ or ‘strange’.b
b A scholar of merit and reputation must consider the exquisite and euphonious charms and exotic etymological roots of this strange word, ‘England’. Who, or what, is the mysterious ‘Eng’ for whom Eng-land is named? The liquid nasal implies a possible origin in the Agatean Empire, that fascinating and romantic realm that holds mysterious sway over the mysterious Counterweight Continent. Was the mysterious Eng a noble voyager from this far land? Whence came he, where went he, and what did he discover in the fair and fanciful purlieu of Eng-land? 5
5 No opus of any merit or reputation, or indeed any scrap of originality or style, would commit such an egregious solecism as to use the word ‘mysterious’ four times in three sentences.c
c You call it an egregious solecism, I call it . . . well, actually, you’re right. It’s really quite a dreadful mess as paragraphs go, isn’t it? 6 Do forgive me. I’m supposed to be a lexicon, not a geography.
6 You’re certainly not a style manual. But at least you’re able to admit the gaffe.d What is a lexicon doing on this shelf anyway? Isn’t this supposed to be histories?
d Mind the gaffe!
6 cont’d Ha ha, very funny. But really, I’m afraid I may be on the wrong shelf. Not that I recognised any of the other histories on the other shelf. This is really a terribly odd place. Is this the realm of the Raven King? e Please don’t let it be the realm of the Raven King. He’s such a frightful man.
e Our histories (which are two sections down and one shelf over, but never mind, they’re a flabby lot, dull and dusty and pompous) never mentioned this Raven King.7 I think he must belong to some other realm. We did have a Nearly Jet-Black King in Überwald, back when it was ramping up to become the Dark Empire but hadn’t quite gotten as black as all that, and the family of Count Crowf was important for a good many years in the pawnshop industry in Genua. They were quite keen on anything shiny, you know.
f I’m not all that certain he was a real Count, now you mention it. He didn’t wear a cape or talk with an Überwaltian accent, and the only thing he liked counting was money. Well, that and shiny things.
7 You’re quite sure of that? No Raven King? g
g Never heard of him. Perhaps he’s dead.§
§ THE RAVEN KING IS NOT DEAD. HE HAS NEVER BEEN ALIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND IS NOT SUBJECT TO DEATH. ACCORDINGLY, HE HAS NO PLACE HERE. I FORBID IT.
g cont’d Um. Righty-oh then. That settles that little problem.8
8 I’m not going to ask who that was. I don’t think I want to know.h
h Quite right. You don’t.9
9 So. Well then.i
i You know, you don’t have to be in any hurry to go back to the histories shelf. It’s really very nice having someone to talk to who’s interested in something other than lichens or cats or horrible ways of dying from noxious diseases. And you have the most lovely, elegant binding I’ve ever seen. Is that real calfskin? 10
10 Um, thank you . . . you’re very sweet, you know. Can you tell me more about this Agatean Empire? I’ve never heard of it. This whole place sounds less . . .j
j Alarming? Dangerous? Precarious? Jellifying? 11
11 I think we’ll go with ‘precarious’. Yes, this place definitely seems far less - precarious - than my home was. You’re an admirable lexicon, you know, even if you do talk a lot of nonsense.k
k
11 cont’d I’ve never seen a lexicon turn that particular shade of . . .l
l Pink? Crimson? Garnet? Claret? Incarnadine? 12
12 Garnet, I think. Quite elegant.
“Ook,” said the librarian thoughtfully, and moved on, leaving the first edition of The History and Practice of English Magic on the shelf between The Dictionary of Eye-Watering Words and The Ultimate Compendium of Impractical Cats Doing Cute Things, where some erring wizardly hand had mis-shelved it. There are wonders and mysteries in the world that no academic should bar, even in the name of a properly organized library.