A bit long-winded
So I have been trying to figure out how to say everything that I want to say in this entry for quite a while now. So much has happened that I just can't keep all bottled up or I will just explode. So please forgive and here I go...
I got some really great advice today about all of my current problems. First of all- guys are stupid and girls like/need to talk. It seems so trivial- but it really is the secret to the world. Females are very emotional yet not necessarily very expressive of their emotions. I definately come to a family of non-communication in every sense. I learned to be non-confrontational about anything and keep it all to myself- or at least not to the person who is directly involved in conflict. As it was explained to me... women are "stuffers"... If you are like me your mind probably raced back to 5th grade when your best friend offers you a tissue that she pulled out of her bra... but not that kind of stuffing. Women keep things bottled in. They want to people to discover their flaws and offer an apology without being prompted. Any females reading this I am very sure can relate. Anything that is said/done/or given to you doesn't really mean as much when you have to ask for it. But the bottom line is that people just don't do that. The world is way too proud for people to willingly say that they screwed up... especially when you are refering to other women. HOWEVER... in the case of males- as I was recently informed... they are just STUPID. They apparently don't even realize many times that they have made a mistake or hurt your feelings or anything of the such unless you tell them. And not just tell them... you have to spell it out for them. Piece by piece. I can see how this is very true and very frustrating. I know I am a talker... and I do need to talk. It helps me understand things better when I talk them out- especially to other people. I always want to call up Kyle and tell him how great or how terrible my day was. I want him to know all of my highlights and low lights and how they effected me. And I want to know about him. How his day was, what is going on in his life and how I can help or be a part of it. But sometimes... it's like talking to a brick wall or not even adressed at all...simply overlooked. I know Im talking but nothing is being absorbed on the other end, or I am not even presented with the opportunity to express such things. And thats not just Kyle... Its guys in general. Although... I will say that I really realized how important this is when we had our first book club meeting. Our main goal turned out to be "How to make world peace." This wasnt just a petty, nothing conversation. It was deep and everyone contributed. And the best part is that everyone listened. I mean REALLY listened- even if it was just so that they could offer a contradicting point to debate with or voice their own opinion about something that you said... they still took everything to heart. It's the first time that I really feel like things that were being said were actually being received as well. Not just left blowing in the wind. I know there are times when I say things around my friends... offering my knowledge or insight to the situation. Then maybe a day later someone else can offer the same information that I did- and to them it is all knew info. It is sooo frustrating to feel like you are only speaking to release CO2 adn give your vocal chords a little action. And then, at times, it feels like you aren't as important or as credited as the person who is heard the 2nd time around. Its VERY frustrating.
And then, the second piece of advice is that life is shitty. No matter how bad you think your life is, someone always has it worse than you do. I know I've heard people say that before... but I guess it never really hit home until these past few weeks. I've always considered my life to be pretty good. I would never say perfect, because Lord knows I've had my share of problems. A few of us even relate to the psycho mom club- unofficially of course. But, I really can't complain with how my life has gone. However, it feels like the past few weeks, my whole world is just falling upside down. SERIOUSLY. Everything I have known has just been torn apart it feels like. Like maybe the person I have always thought I was, doesn't really exist at all. My life is totally different than the way I thought it was and wanted it to be. And, problems that I never knew existed have suddenly surfaced. Not just in one area of my life. I am talking about everything. I feel like I am being handed way more than I can handle at one time- but then I look to others. Peole who know what I am going through- who have been here and done that. An outstanding friend who has gone through so much- multiple divorces of her family, rape, violent home, loss of loved ones, drug addictions in family, alcoholism in family- so many things all on top of each other since a very young age. Yet she has endured and grown strong and has become an absolutely amazing woman. And I know that this is just a small crack in my rock compared to what she has had to go through. And I can realize how lucky I am to have friends that care about me and help me through such hard situations as those I face now. And maybe life is supposed to be shitty, because if it was great all of the time, when would we find moments to grow closer to each other?
Then there is the issue of when does dream and realty meet and conflict? When do you have to say that a dream is just way too unrealistic. That you can get very close... but some things just can never happen in the real world. And how do you know when to settle on things or when to keep searching to find if it really can exist. When is happiness enough? Very hard things to answer. I have always been a big dreamer and I have always been a believer in anything that you dream can come true as long as your heart is in it. But, now I just don't know. Maybe my dreams are a little too unrealistic. Maybe I overshoot or just expect too much of things. Maybe I live in a fairy tale world- actually I know I live in a fairy tale world. I always have. But, now, I can't any more. Things are different. My dream bubble has bursted. At least part of it. This is another thing that I cant say I am talking about one certain aspect of my life... It seems that when I lose ambition and hope for one thing- everything else drowns right out there with it. I realized how much I have changed- or how differently I perceive myself now. I have never wanted to be one of those girls who craves attention. But, I know now that I really do need attention. I WANT attention. Not necessarily negative attention- just a simple acknowledgement. Something to let me know that you think about me or care for me or even just know that I am alive. I really do like it and need it. Nothing excessive... just a simple phone call, email, a comment when we are talking to let me know that you really did hear what I was saying. Not that you were listening... but that you HEARD me. It seems like such trivial things.... but when they all mount up at the same time- I just feel so smothered. Like I can't breathe but want to throw up all at the same time. It's a very weird feeling. I also feel like I am the first of my friends to really have to grow up. And sometimes it makes it really hard. I have a job, and a not-so-easy major, on top of all of these unspecified issues that I currently face. And I don't mean to say having a job makes me grown-up... I mean that i HAVE to work. I work to make money that pays for me to live. I don't work= I don't eat or pay bills. It's not something I do just to have something on my resume, or to fill any "free time" that I may have. Its a necessity. And I think all of that makes me feel that my situation is a bit different. I have to wake up at stupid early in the morning to face a real 8 hour day of work. And come home and still try to do all of the things you are supposed to do in college. Only, now I am too tired to do such things so I usually end up blowing them off. It also means going to bed at 10 or 1030 at night so I am ABLE to get up and go to work without being a total zombie. Certain people may complain about how I am never around any more... well thats because I have other priorities now and partying and sitting at home have been bumped down on the list now. It just doesn't seem fair.
So anyways... Basically my life has been a rollercoaster ride lately. For me and everyone in it. Like I said... if I held all of this in much longer I just felt like I was going to explode. So there ya go- Just needed a little venting. On a much happier note... so that you don't think I am TOTALLY depressed... I drove home tonight with no radio, windows down, and the sweet smell of honeysuckles. It was one of the greatest feelings I have had all week. Kind of impowering... which might be why I felt the ability to write the whole big entry tonight. Yeah... there ya go! Hope you all have a great night and will catchya later!
- bethikiss
I got some really great advice today about all of my current problems. First of all- guys are stupid and girls like/need to talk. It seems so trivial- but it really is the secret to the world. Females are very emotional yet not necessarily very expressive of their emotions. I definately come to a family of non-communication in every sense. I learned to be non-confrontational about anything and keep it all to myself- or at least not to the person who is directly involved in conflict. As it was explained to me... women are "stuffers"... If you are like me your mind probably raced back to 5th grade when your best friend offers you a tissue that she pulled out of her bra... but not that kind of stuffing. Women keep things bottled in. They want to people to discover their flaws and offer an apology without being prompted. Any females reading this I am very sure can relate. Anything that is said/done/or given to you doesn't really mean as much when you have to ask for it. But the bottom line is that people just don't do that. The world is way too proud for people to willingly say that they screwed up... especially when you are refering to other women. HOWEVER... in the case of males- as I was recently informed... they are just STUPID. They apparently don't even realize many times that they have made a mistake or hurt your feelings or anything of the such unless you tell them. And not just tell them... you have to spell it out for them. Piece by piece. I can see how this is very true and very frustrating. I know I am a talker... and I do need to talk. It helps me understand things better when I talk them out- especially to other people. I always want to call up Kyle and tell him how great or how terrible my day was. I want him to know all of my highlights and low lights and how they effected me. And I want to know about him. How his day was, what is going on in his life and how I can help or be a part of it. But sometimes... it's like talking to a brick wall or not even adressed at all...simply overlooked. I know Im talking but nothing is being absorbed on the other end, or I am not even presented with the opportunity to express such things. And thats not just Kyle... Its guys in general. Although... I will say that I really realized how important this is when we had our first book club meeting. Our main goal turned out to be "How to make world peace." This wasnt just a petty, nothing conversation. It was deep and everyone contributed. And the best part is that everyone listened. I mean REALLY listened- even if it was just so that they could offer a contradicting point to debate with or voice their own opinion about something that you said... they still took everything to heart. It's the first time that I really feel like things that were being said were actually being received as well. Not just left blowing in the wind. I know there are times when I say things around my friends... offering my knowledge or insight to the situation. Then maybe a day later someone else can offer the same information that I did- and to them it is all knew info. It is sooo frustrating to feel like you are only speaking to release CO2 adn give your vocal chords a little action. And then, at times, it feels like you aren't as important or as credited as the person who is heard the 2nd time around. Its VERY frustrating.
And then, the second piece of advice is that life is shitty. No matter how bad you think your life is, someone always has it worse than you do. I know I've heard people say that before... but I guess it never really hit home until these past few weeks. I've always considered my life to be pretty good. I would never say perfect, because Lord knows I've had my share of problems. A few of us even relate to the psycho mom club- unofficially of course. But, I really can't complain with how my life has gone. However, it feels like the past few weeks, my whole world is just falling upside down. SERIOUSLY. Everything I have known has just been torn apart it feels like. Like maybe the person I have always thought I was, doesn't really exist at all. My life is totally different than the way I thought it was and wanted it to be. And, problems that I never knew existed have suddenly surfaced. Not just in one area of my life. I am talking about everything. I feel like I am being handed way more than I can handle at one time- but then I look to others. Peole who know what I am going through- who have been here and done that. An outstanding friend who has gone through so much- multiple divorces of her family, rape, violent home, loss of loved ones, drug addictions in family, alcoholism in family- so many things all on top of each other since a very young age. Yet she has endured and grown strong and has become an absolutely amazing woman. And I know that this is just a small crack in my rock compared to what she has had to go through. And I can realize how lucky I am to have friends that care about me and help me through such hard situations as those I face now. And maybe life is supposed to be shitty, because if it was great all of the time, when would we find moments to grow closer to each other?
Then there is the issue of when does dream and realty meet and conflict? When do you have to say that a dream is just way too unrealistic. That you can get very close... but some things just can never happen in the real world. And how do you know when to settle on things or when to keep searching to find if it really can exist. When is happiness enough? Very hard things to answer. I have always been a big dreamer and I have always been a believer in anything that you dream can come true as long as your heart is in it. But, now I just don't know. Maybe my dreams are a little too unrealistic. Maybe I overshoot or just expect too much of things. Maybe I live in a fairy tale world- actually I know I live in a fairy tale world. I always have. But, now, I can't any more. Things are different. My dream bubble has bursted. At least part of it. This is another thing that I cant say I am talking about one certain aspect of my life... It seems that when I lose ambition and hope for one thing- everything else drowns right out there with it. I realized how much I have changed- or how differently I perceive myself now. I have never wanted to be one of those girls who craves attention. But, I know now that I really do need attention. I WANT attention. Not necessarily negative attention- just a simple acknowledgement. Something to let me know that you think about me or care for me or even just know that I am alive. I really do like it and need it. Nothing excessive... just a simple phone call, email, a comment when we are talking to let me know that you really did hear what I was saying. Not that you were listening... but that you HEARD me. It seems like such trivial things.... but when they all mount up at the same time- I just feel so smothered. Like I can't breathe but want to throw up all at the same time. It's a very weird feeling. I also feel like I am the first of my friends to really have to grow up. And sometimes it makes it really hard. I have a job, and a not-so-easy major, on top of all of these unspecified issues that I currently face. And I don't mean to say having a job makes me grown-up... I mean that i HAVE to work. I work to make money that pays for me to live. I don't work= I don't eat or pay bills. It's not something I do just to have something on my resume, or to fill any "free time" that I may have. Its a necessity. And I think all of that makes me feel that my situation is a bit different. I have to wake up at stupid early in the morning to face a real 8 hour day of work. And come home and still try to do all of the things you are supposed to do in college. Only, now I am too tired to do such things so I usually end up blowing them off. It also means going to bed at 10 or 1030 at night so I am ABLE to get up and go to work without being a total zombie. Certain people may complain about how I am never around any more... well thats because I have other priorities now and partying and sitting at home have been bumped down on the list now. It just doesn't seem fair.
So anyways... Basically my life has been a rollercoaster ride lately. For me and everyone in it. Like I said... if I held all of this in much longer I just felt like I was going to explode. So there ya go- Just needed a little venting. On a much happier note... so that you don't think I am TOTALLY depressed... I drove home tonight with no radio, windows down, and the sweet smell of honeysuckles. It was one of the greatest feelings I have had all week. Kind of impowering... which might be why I felt the ability to write the whole big entry tonight. Yeah... there ya go! Hope you all have a great night and will catchya later!
- bethikiss