Lost...
This weekend was amazing. I had my big brother her, my best friend, and the love and respect of my significant other. And it all went to shit. I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I want to be with him. Without him I'm missing part of me. I know it's sounds so cliche but it's so true. I feel like he's running from me, running from facing the problems in our relationship. Dating people that don't matter because they are things that won't last. But it feels like those people come before me know. It kills me. I'm at a loss. I feel like someone opened up my chest and pulled out half of my heart. I feel like I'm begging for my life back. And begging is unattractive. Forgivness thats all I want. I messed up yes. I really messed up. But I deserve forgivness. I have forgiven. I'm so frustrated with me. I'm so frustrated with him because he won't listen. I just doesn't get it. There is a reason his closest friends like me, there is a reason that his sister wouldn't mind calling me his sister in law one day, there is a reason my father trusted him the first time they met. I just feel like I"m about to shatter. That I'm just not going to live anymore, I'll do what I have to do to get by, work, school. But I just want to sit in my bed all day and watch sappy movies. But I know I can't do that. No one wants to be with the depressed girl. I know we need to see eachother. Which isn't possible until the end of july. But we can't do that because he doesn't know what he'd do w/ the people he's dating.
I just want to be wrapped up in his arms because the only person I know to go to for comfort is him....the only person I can truly spill my heart out to is him. He's my best friend, my boyfriend, my future. He's not just some boy. I know his potential in life. He is one the smartest, most eloquent, sweeetest boys I've ever met. And that's why all the little things he says to me gets to me soo much. And why the things I say get to him. Is because we care so much about eachother. And I don't know what to do or where to go or where to get help. I wish he would listen to me, listen to someone. 2 years gone down the drain and not a look back and it freaks the hell out of me. It was a huge mistake to think I could find happiness w/in someone else, that I could escape from my life. But I was wrong you can't escape and you have to take things and work on them. No relationship will ever be perfect, yea it seems like it at the begining. That's why it's called the honeymoon stage. But to get through what we have been through, life, death, wealth, both of us having no money at all, distance. I'm alone if I'm w/o him. And that's what it comes down to. And I'm selfish and I don't know how not to be. I want to be selfless and let him go. Let him do what he wants. Have fun not worry about him. But if I feel like I don't stop him don't pull him backwards in a year or more he'll be like "oops" and I'll be shattered to feel anymore. Because honestly thats where I"m heading. Numb. I'm getting good at it. Numb. That's how I'll always be. At least I'll have my work...
I just want to be wrapped up in his arms because the only person I know to go to for comfort is him....the only person I can truly spill my heart out to is him. He's my best friend, my boyfriend, my future. He's not just some boy. I know his potential in life. He is one the smartest, most eloquent, sweeetest boys I've ever met. And that's why all the little things he says to me gets to me soo much. And why the things I say get to him. Is because we care so much about eachother. And I don't know what to do or where to go or where to get help. I wish he would listen to me, listen to someone. 2 years gone down the drain and not a look back and it freaks the hell out of me. It was a huge mistake to think I could find happiness w/in someone else, that I could escape from my life. But I was wrong you can't escape and you have to take things and work on them. No relationship will ever be perfect, yea it seems like it at the begining. That's why it's called the honeymoon stage. But to get through what we have been through, life, death, wealth, both of us having no money at all, distance. I'm alone if I'm w/o him. And that's what it comes down to. And I'm selfish and I don't know how not to be. I want to be selfless and let him go. Let him do what he wants. Have fun not worry about him. But if I feel like I don't stop him don't pull him backwards in a year or more he'll be like "oops" and I'll be shattered to feel anymore. Because honestly thats where I"m heading. Numb. I'm getting good at it. Numb. That's how I'll always be. At least I'll have my work...