Reflection
A few times a year, I get into a nostalgic mood and look into my past. I'll read entries from old diaries and online journals (though some have become lost, as it is becoming increasingly difficult for my 24-year-old self to come up with whatever silly username and password my 16-year-old self thought was cool at the time) and look through old letters (And now I actually have love letters to peruse, rather than silly notes (mostly about Wishbone and American Girl dolls) from my cousin, with whom I used to be pen pals).
I'll wonder about who I was at the time, because it always seems so far away from who I am in the present. The intensity of my past feelings sometimes shocks me, because I have had so much time to relax them. Things that were once the most important part of my life have become practically meaningless. I know that I was happy at a certain time, or heartbroken, or anxious, because I can remember giving my feels those terms. But I can't conjure up the actual feelings. I read the words that I wrote, or see the worn paper that contains words written to me by others. One letter is practically falling apart as I read it so many times and even carried it around in my purse for a few months, taking it everywhere I went. This is an indication of the deepest feelings. My own words speak so strongly about what I felt. But I can't bring it back. It's like a hazy patch in the back of my mind, one that I knew was once strong and solid at the forefront of my thoughts, but now I can barely grasp.
Sometimes this is a good thing. I'll look back and see how far I've come and be so proud of myself. Sometimes, however, I wonder if this is a bad sign. Am I really learning from my mistakes? How do I keep from making them again if I can't actually recall how terrible it really was? Thank goodness I am a writer, or I wouldn't even have this. Now, however, my writing has become much less frequent (as one look at this blog will demonstrate). How will I remember these times? How will I learn from any mistakes that I may be making right now?
I have been feeling, lately, that I cannot put my feelings into words. The last time I really wrote was in March while sitting with friends around a campfire. It is now July. July! However, I soon as I began to write this (and I began it with a much different purpose that I'm not sure I can curve back around to), the feelings and thoughts began spilling out of me, and I want to take it in so many directions and write so many things. I have so many thoughts just aching to get out. I want to write about love, about soulmates and why I think they don't exist, I want to reflect on my insecurities and the problems that I always seem to have in relationships. I want to look at who I was in the past and compare it to who I have become, I want to celebrate triumphs that I was unable to recognize until now. I want to write about body image and my personal issues with weight and nutrition. I want to discuss my family and how happy current events are making us, how proud I am of certain family members, worried about others, and better able to understand certain others than ever before. I want to reflect on how everyone around me seems to be falling in love and getting married and having babies, and I would love the opportunity to dissect my feelings on all that and figure out what it is that I truly want.
I can't believe that I've let writing go, yet looking through my previous writings, it is clear that I have before, many times, and many times I have returned with an entry just like this one. But somehow, right now, I feel like this is it. Like I have to get everything out right here, right now, because I don't think this is something I will be able to do, at least not like I used to. I still have huge boxes of everything I've ever written in my lifetime, but they are tucked away in a corner where they are very difficult to get to. I don't look at them, and I think it is because I am scared.
I'll wonder about who I was at the time, because it always seems so far away from who I am in the present. The intensity of my past feelings sometimes shocks me, because I have had so much time to relax them. Things that were once the most important part of my life have become practically meaningless. I know that I was happy at a certain time, or heartbroken, or anxious, because I can remember giving my feels those terms. But I can't conjure up the actual feelings. I read the words that I wrote, or see the worn paper that contains words written to me by others. One letter is practically falling apart as I read it so many times and even carried it around in my purse for a few months, taking it everywhere I went. This is an indication of the deepest feelings. My own words speak so strongly about what I felt. But I can't bring it back. It's like a hazy patch in the back of my mind, one that I knew was once strong and solid at the forefront of my thoughts, but now I can barely grasp.
Sometimes this is a good thing. I'll look back and see how far I've come and be so proud of myself. Sometimes, however, I wonder if this is a bad sign. Am I really learning from my mistakes? How do I keep from making them again if I can't actually recall how terrible it really was? Thank goodness I am a writer, or I wouldn't even have this. Now, however, my writing has become much less frequent (as one look at this blog will demonstrate). How will I remember these times? How will I learn from any mistakes that I may be making right now?
I have been feeling, lately, that I cannot put my feelings into words. The last time I really wrote was in March while sitting with friends around a campfire. It is now July. July! However, I soon as I began to write this (and I began it with a much different purpose that I'm not sure I can curve back around to), the feelings and thoughts began spilling out of me, and I want to take it in so many directions and write so many things. I have so many thoughts just aching to get out. I want to write about love, about soulmates and why I think they don't exist, I want to reflect on my insecurities and the problems that I always seem to have in relationships. I want to look at who I was in the past and compare it to who I have become, I want to celebrate triumphs that I was unable to recognize until now. I want to write about body image and my personal issues with weight and nutrition. I want to discuss my family and how happy current events are making us, how proud I am of certain family members, worried about others, and better able to understand certain others than ever before. I want to reflect on how everyone around me seems to be falling in love and getting married and having babies, and I would love the opportunity to dissect my feelings on all that and figure out what it is that I truly want.
I can't believe that I've let writing go, yet looking through my previous writings, it is clear that I have before, many times, and many times I have returned with an entry just like this one. But somehow, right now, I feel like this is it. Like I have to get everything out right here, right now, because I don't think this is something I will be able to do, at least not like I used to. I still have huge boxes of everything I've ever written in my lifetime, but they are tucked away in a corner where they are very difficult to get to. I don't look at them, and I think it is because I am scared.