My Peer-Boss, Zac, is playing Postal Service, Which Only Makes it Worse
There's nothing worse than being teased.
This is going to be too painful to write, so maybe I will muscle through it, anyway. It's hard for me to be attracted to people. I don't get crushes very often. One time, Jennar told me that if the feelings were there, that is was sort of a cosmic sign to pursue them. But then he'll say that he feels differently. Which I don't understand. You're attracted to me. You are my friend, and you love me like family. So read the second erotica and allow yourself to feel the feelings.
Allow me the comfort in having something with you. B/c you will move, and you will move on. And really, maybe your moving will help me move on. But I reacted b/c I was scared. I felt like all the warming up to me that even you admitted you'd done, was being revoked from me. What if you move, and I keep the pavement hot, and visit you all the time? What if you fall in love with me, anyway? Are you going to continue preventing yourself from feeling those feelings? B/c as I once read, "true love moves." I was able to manage to be happy (and see a future in) living in Amarillo, TX, for heaven's sake. Austin is easy.
My peer-boss just asked me why I don't just visit Austin? Oh, love, I will if you want me to. But the reality is, I know that I can't go through all that without knowing that there is at the very least, a possibility for something more in the future. B/c all that travel will be expensive for me. It will take a great deal of energy (b/c you know me), and all that time, money, and energy would be going into something that I would hope would go somewhere. If I'm chasing some guy halfway across Texas every weekend, I need to know there's an honest shot that he might be my future boyfriend. B/c otherwise, all of that time & energy should go into an actual boyfriend, not just me chasing a carrot.
And I want to see you as much as possible before you move. I want you with me. You had said that you wouldn't let me be lonely, anymore. So, then..."just for now," please don't. Come stay with me as much as you can, before you move. Let us continue on our path. Warm up to me, as you had been. Let me keep on kissing your cheek in the mornings, and cuddling with you at nighttime. Be tender with me so that I know you still care. I won't press for more, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't praying that you'd open up to something. I am grieving when you used to feel similarly.
I feel like Donna Noble, the character that loses all the memories of her best friend, and she knows it will happen, and they'll never see each other again. I feel like that b/c the stories we have are so amazing.
I mean, can you make for a better story that some of the things we've shared? Let's face it. We were the best-dressed couple at the Burn. Let's face it, we get the coolest, and weirdest jobs ("ice skating"), ever. We got comped tickets to some EDM show, and got the last parking space in the club. I weep for the lost texts b/c now I feel like I just hallucinated the whole thing (Shit, would you mind spending a moment with me, just acknowledging it, just go I can feel like I'm not imagining it?). I hated running with you, to a certain extent. I really just wanted to spend time with you, and didn't know how. We have the best times just sitting around with the cartoons. Which I still fully plan to do that again, at some point, before you leave. Sort of like a send-off. You, at the K-Spa, is COMPLETELY irreplaceable, and I don't even know if I can go anymore without you. It will feel empty and hollow and I won't have a buddy to talk to me like you can. I know you don't want to be around Burn anymore, but the reason I offered was just b/c I'm so excited and proud to be even REMOTELY with you, that I kinda want to show it off, have it acknowledged. Just like you said, "I'm with that guy." How can I go to Burn-anything, and not grieve the loss of the one guy that made it fun for me? I wasn't even wanting to go to Myscheivia, but I wanted to go b/c you wanted me to go.
And nobody can beat the story of how we first met. I'm sorry, but if there were ever a sign for you to let yourself have feelings for me, that would be it. You cannot have the story of such a beautiful loss, two souls finding each other through it, and never finally going somewhere with it. I became your friend b/c of Twitch's death. I feel like I owe both of you. You brought me more joy than anyone ever has, b/c of who you are. There aren't people who are as animated, who can tell a story like you. Or who are willing to have fun. Or show such compassion and tenderness. My heart is so heavy, and I need you to carry it.
I guess, all this to say, I need you to stop shutting me out. B/c if you do allow yourself to feel the feelings for me that you've already got stuffed in there, and you then move, what are you afraid of? If you wanted me to get my own place in Austin, I would. If you wanted me to stay here in North Texas, but build up a shitload of frequent flyer miles and keep the pavement hot between here and there, I would. And if you wanted to end the relationship and return to friends, then I would be heartbroken, but I would at least understand and be grateful for what I was able to have while it lasted, as opposed to denying all the cosmic stuff from above.
One time you asked me, very upset, if you had blown any chance of anything developing in the future. And I'm asking you the same thing, and I keep getting told that I have reason to be hopeful. You admitted that you'd honestly started warming up to me. And I wonder what, exactly, has been holding you back. It's not Kyle. He's gone. It's not Squirrel. He's gone. And you don't have anything I'm after. There's no 'angle' I'm trying to work. I know that nobody can promise that they will never hurt somebody else. So I can't tell you that I won't ever let you experience hurting at my doing. But I can tell you, for what it's worth, that most of my relationships tend to think I'm worth it. While Twitch might've dumped me, the rest of the serious or long-term relationships I was the one to eventually end. Except for Alex, but obviously he has no regrets about ending things, b/c it's customary people in happy situations usually spend time trolling on their ex's blogs. :-P
And I know I'll be okay. In a year or two, maybe I'll run across somebody with the same spark. But all that happened after Twitch is that I tamped down all the memories of him until I found you. No wonder I felt flooded all the time. But you're worth it to me. You're worth all of it. And I am, too.
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle