Either the brain is surprisingly resilient, or I'm completely crazy.
It seems that once again, as with 2005, my own brain has saved my life. From the darkest depths of depression, I am emerging to feel rather the opposite, thanks to occupying my mind with foolishness. In early 2005, I was phased out of the life of a man I really wanted to call my boyfriend but who lived too far away for it to work out realistically. He simply stopped calling me and the last I heard from him was a lame apologetic email in late January of that year. It was winter in New England and ripe for a depressed period. I wasn't feeling as low as I would feel in later years, but I was quite bummed out and felt like nobody could sympathize--I received only terse scoffing from my family and one of my friends even said something verging on belittlement. I therefore kept my feelings mostly to myself and channeled them into the pursuit of new hobbies and interests, such as poetry and art, and cried along with meaningful songs in the privacy of my bedroom in my parents' house. A couple of months later, I reached my most unhappy--nowhere near catatonic or anything, but more of a functional humorless state. Then--all of a sudden--I decided to watch a NASCAR race, the first in a couple of years. All of my excitement over the sport came rushing back to me and for the rest of the year, it was my main hobby and filled a lot of my thoughts. My Florida "boyfriend" very rapidly became a memory that was not the least bit useful to my present life in Massachusetts, and I felt light and happy for a long time. My own mind had saved me from myself.
I've since experienced tougher times than I ever imagined I would and have reached lower and darker depths than I ever thought I was capable of. I thought my brain's ability to save me was gone or broken, and that I would never be happy again. But, the mind is ever-amazing and since the middle of March, I've worked through my depression and have actually managed to do it again. It might be a divine influence or just me fooling myself, but the fluffy thoughts filling my head these days are actually working to cheer me up, and I feel much better than I have in a while. I don't know how long it will last, but I hope so much that it carries me for a long time. I can't tell if it's a sign that I'm truly crazy, or if the Universe or another higher power is giving me a break. I guess I'd better not think about it too much and just enjoy the ride. No wonder my theme song as I write this entry is "Outside Looking In" by Nick Lachey, a full-bodied anthem in bright D Major about reclaiming control of one's happiness.
I've since experienced tougher times than I ever imagined I would and have reached lower and darker depths than I ever thought I was capable of. I thought my brain's ability to save me was gone or broken, and that I would never be happy again. But, the mind is ever-amazing and since the middle of March, I've worked through my depression and have actually managed to do it again. It might be a divine influence or just me fooling myself, but the fluffy thoughts filling my head these days are actually working to cheer me up, and I feel much better than I have in a while. I don't know how long it will last, but I hope so much that it carries me for a long time. I can't tell if it's a sign that I'm truly crazy, or if the Universe or another higher power is giving me a break. I guess I'd better not think about it too much and just enjoy the ride. No wonder my theme song as I write this entry is "Outside Looking In" by Nick Lachey, a full-bodied anthem in bright D Major about reclaiming control of one's happiness.