A Self Reflection.
I hate how songs remind me of certain boys. I hate those memories. Even the good ones. Isn't that absolutely awful? People always say "No REGRETS!" as if that is the way we're supposed to keep on truckin'. I believe in that, for the most part. I don't think we should live our life dwelling on mistakes or choices and wishing we chose otherwise. But when it comes to boys, even though the outcome made me grow so, and it molded me into a better person, who I am today - I still would have rather gone without them. Well, not all of them. But some particular ones...my life would have been so different. And I regret not waiting to see what other choices would have came about without them.
You don't know me. You think you do, I'm sorry, you don't. You want to know why? 'Cause I keep my emotions in. No one truely knows my deepest emotions except for my Father, my best friend - luckily I trust Him enough to hold my thoughts, and I suppose that is a good thing. I always, ALWAYS, considered myself as open. If someone pressures me into telling them information, or silly secrets, I break...quite easily. I'll spill most anything if you pry hard enough. Everything...except what is really going on inside of me. The good and the bad. And actually, I believe that is recent. I think there was a time, recently, when I would even tell the deepest emotions..I've found now that I keep them in.
I don't believe in not trusting someone because I've been hurt in the past. Thats a bunch of crap, if you ask me. I was hurt a few times, yes...so will I be slow to trust people in the future to avoid more hurt? No, that's impossible. You can never avoid hurt - never. It's only natural and healthy to realize that we will be hurt again, over & over. I think if we try being cautious and live in a bubble because of hurt, we're just damaging ourselves more. So I'll be quick to give you my trust. Whether you choose to keep it or not, that is your choice. Just remember - hearts are on the line here.
I'm awful with friends. I'm awful being a friend, I'm awful at maintaining friends, I'm awful at trying to be friends in general. I have friends - I'm blessed with some of the best. But I find myself putting less and less effort into the matter, simply because I don't know how. I've seem to have forgotten all basic ways of life and love when it comes to my close ones. Again, this is new to me. When taking silly surveys about myself, I would often write "I feel I'm a good friend." People are one of my biggest passions. I LOVE people. I thrive off of individuals and their passions or emotions. It's just one of the many things on my life list that is getting rusty. It's growing mold and needs to be touched with life & love once more. If I had the ability to change, I would. I just can't seem to dig deep enough to find the strength to do so...
I'm much more reserved these days, but at the same time, much more bold than I have ever been in the past! I hold in comments when in discussion. I'm not quick to jump in and voice my opinion, like I felt so eager to do before. But when it comes to speaking out on something that rubs me the wrong way, I'll do it. I don't mean in an agressive or mean way. I'll just say what I feel needs to be said. But I don't say it without thought. I'm tasteful and careful when choosing my words. I don't mean harm for anyone, and the last thing I ever would want to do is offend another person. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to say something.
I feel I'm finally maturing into the person I'm going to be in my next stages of life. My giddy, loud mouth, over excited, and under exeperienced self is falling off in broken pieces. Replacing it is a relaxed, quiet, thoughtful, and determined individual. I'm not sure how I like it. I enjoy being thoughtful. I decide what I want in life and I try to burst forth with passion. But sometimes, my thoughts get me in trouble.
A change has taken place inside, but now I feel the need for a change in my environment. It's getting stuffy and hard to breathe. I feel that if I go on much longer in the same way I'm truckin' along right now, I won't make it. I need change and something new to keep my thoughts from drifting away into a place I don't think is safe. I need an escape from these fast creeping thoughts of lonliness, darkness, and just plain feelings of being unhappy.
I'm discovering a hidden love for writing. When all people seem to slip away, I'm left with a pencil and paper, a keyboard and screen. It's what I find myself taking to more often, for it's all I have right now. But I'm okay with that. I'll wait here, in this place, with these forms of prose, until God decides it's time for something else.
You don't know me. You think you do, I'm sorry, you don't. You want to know why? 'Cause I keep my emotions in. No one truely knows my deepest emotions except for my Father, my best friend - luckily I trust Him enough to hold my thoughts, and I suppose that is a good thing. I always, ALWAYS, considered myself as open. If someone pressures me into telling them information, or silly secrets, I break...quite easily. I'll spill most anything if you pry hard enough. Everything...except what is really going on inside of me. The good and the bad. And actually, I believe that is recent. I think there was a time, recently, when I would even tell the deepest emotions..I've found now that I keep them in.
I don't believe in not trusting someone because I've been hurt in the past. Thats a bunch of crap, if you ask me. I was hurt a few times, yes...so will I be slow to trust people in the future to avoid more hurt? No, that's impossible. You can never avoid hurt - never. It's only natural and healthy to realize that we will be hurt again, over & over. I think if we try being cautious and live in a bubble because of hurt, we're just damaging ourselves more. So I'll be quick to give you my trust. Whether you choose to keep it or not, that is your choice. Just remember - hearts are on the line here.
I'm awful with friends. I'm awful being a friend, I'm awful at maintaining friends, I'm awful at trying to be friends in general. I have friends - I'm blessed with some of the best. But I find myself putting less and less effort into the matter, simply because I don't know how. I've seem to have forgotten all basic ways of life and love when it comes to my close ones. Again, this is new to me. When taking silly surveys about myself, I would often write "I feel I'm a good friend." People are one of my biggest passions. I LOVE people. I thrive off of individuals and their passions or emotions. It's just one of the many things on my life list that is getting rusty. It's growing mold and needs to be touched with life & love once more. If I had the ability to change, I would. I just can't seem to dig deep enough to find the strength to do so...
I'm much more reserved these days, but at the same time, much more bold than I have ever been in the past! I hold in comments when in discussion. I'm not quick to jump in and voice my opinion, like I felt so eager to do before. But when it comes to speaking out on something that rubs me the wrong way, I'll do it. I don't mean in an agressive or mean way. I'll just say what I feel needs to be said. But I don't say it without thought. I'm tasteful and careful when choosing my words. I don't mean harm for anyone, and the last thing I ever would want to do is offend another person. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to say something.
I feel I'm finally maturing into the person I'm going to be in my next stages of life. My giddy, loud mouth, over excited, and under exeperienced self is falling off in broken pieces. Replacing it is a relaxed, quiet, thoughtful, and determined individual. I'm not sure how I like it. I enjoy being thoughtful. I decide what I want in life and I try to burst forth with passion. But sometimes, my thoughts get me in trouble.
A change has taken place inside, but now I feel the need for a change in my environment. It's getting stuffy and hard to breathe. I feel that if I go on much longer in the same way I'm truckin' along right now, I won't make it. I need change and something new to keep my thoughts from drifting away into a place I don't think is safe. I need an escape from these fast creeping thoughts of lonliness, darkness, and just plain feelings of being unhappy.
I'm discovering a hidden love for writing. When all people seem to slip away, I'm left with a pencil and paper, a keyboard and screen. It's what I find myself taking to more often, for it's all I have right now. But I'm okay with that. I'll wait here, in this place, with these forms of prose, until God decides it's time for something else.