Sometimes I think I'm going crazy.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a disease or something. I've always wondered to myself, why did I turn to a self-blaming scaredy cat? When?
My parents say it's cos my maid keeps getting angry at my 'blur' (distant?) expression, but sometimes when my parents get angry at me their shouting rings in my head over and over and I start thinking how everything's my fault and all the blame should be put on me... even if I know how much it would hurt myself; I know better than anyone else how it rips your heart to be blamed for something that's not really your fault so I didn't want anyone else to experience that feeling.
Sometimes I really don't know how to do something. It may sound stupid or trivial but why is it so wrong to ask? Why must people give me cold stares or shout at me when I just want to ask them?
Today I kinda snapped and burst into tears... in front of my parents. Sometimes I feel like hurting myself to show my parents there's something wrong in my head, but I can't bring myself to do it. I love this life and I'm afraid of the pain it would bring me. Then when my sobs quietened there's this horrible looming guilt that I've embarrassed myself again. I don't think I'll be able to look at my parents and my maid for the rest of the day...
I'm just confused. I'm really confused. I know snapping like that is embarrassing, but I can't stop my tears from falling. I know the amount of guilt afterwards could kill me. So why can't I hold back those tears and smile like everybody else can?
My parents say it's cos my maid keeps getting angry at my 'blur' (distant?) expression, but sometimes when my parents get angry at me their shouting rings in my head over and over and I start thinking how everything's my fault and all the blame should be put on me... even if I know how much it would hurt myself; I know better than anyone else how it rips your heart to be blamed for something that's not really your fault so I didn't want anyone else to experience that feeling.
Sometimes I really don't know how to do something. It may sound stupid or trivial but why is it so wrong to ask? Why must people give me cold stares or shout at me when I just want to ask them?
Today I kinda snapped and burst into tears... in front of my parents. Sometimes I feel like hurting myself to show my parents there's something wrong in my head, but I can't bring myself to do it. I love this life and I'm afraid of the pain it would bring me. Then when my sobs quietened there's this horrible looming guilt that I've embarrassed myself again. I don't think I'll be able to look at my parents and my maid for the rest of the day...
I'm just confused. I'm really confused. I know snapping like that is embarrassing, but I can't stop my tears from falling. I know the amount of guilt afterwards could kill me. So why can't I hold back those tears and smile like everybody else can?