Italics Hexed Private
How I suffer to smite malversation. And bad lime green bowler hats.
Oh how I suffer
He's gone. He left. Like I knew he always would. "You could have kept me forever, you know," he said to me. You're a liar, Antonin. I always knew you would leave. You promised me that there was nothing to fear -- "pas de peur," do you remember that? You promised, and you lied. ...Oh, I could never have kept you. You didn't want me to keep you, did you--? ...What am I talking about, me keeping you; that's ridiculous. You kept me. Kept me and left me, but all the other times you promised you would come back. All the other times, you promised-- ...but what do all the other times amount to anymore? You've finally left because of all the other times. I always knew you would. C'était trop bon, tu sais vous savez.
"To think that I risked everything... well, I shan't ruin it," he also said. Dunno what he meant by that.
I couldn't give him everything he wanted. I couldn't even give him Christmas. ...No, I would have given him Christmas, but he wanted to hurt me, I know he did, and so I wanted to hurt him too, and-- oh, God, this is so stupid...
Apparently I don't love him. Aldous loves him, though.
...what am I going to do? What am I going to do?
I'm... going to drink some tea. Take my medicine. Read some--
...no. I can't. I can't.
He kissed me before he left. That I can't understand either. He kissed me, as if he weren't leaving, as if he did still love me; he kissed me so... perfectly on the cheek. And he lingered there, and I felt him there, so close, so--... so close that he took a hold of the part of my heart that he claimed for his own. And when he Disapparated, with his lips still on my cheek, he took that part of me with him. And now, just the empty space within me, the void there...
I am empty. I am void.
"The house is in your name," he said, as if it were the house I cared about, "I've already bought you your Christmas present so I'll owl it," as if it were Christmas presents I cared about, "and, oh, I still love you, and don't let anyone tell you differently."
I don't need anyone to tell me differently. I can see that it's differently.
I'm all alone now. Really alone.
But I'm recovering quite well. It's good to be out of bed; now I'm just confined to the window-seat.
Must get up to go to church. I wonder, can God teach a person how to love? Humility, yes. Forgiveness, yes. But love?
Oh how I suffer
He's gone. He left. Like I knew he always would. "You could have kept me forever, you know," he said to me. You're a liar, Antonin. I always knew you would leave. You promised me that there was nothing to fear -- "pas de peur," do you remember that? You promised, and you lied. ...Oh, I could never have kept you. You didn't want me to keep you, did you--? ...What am I talking about, me keeping you; that's ridiculous. You kept me. Kept me and left me, but all the other times you promised you would come back. All the other times, you promised-- ...but what do all the other times amount to anymore? You've finally left because of all the other times. I always knew you would. C'était trop bon, tu sais vous savez.
"To think that I risked everything... well, I shan't ruin it," he also said. Dunno what he meant by that.
I couldn't give him everything he wanted. I couldn't even give him Christmas. ...No, I would have given him Christmas, but he wanted to hurt me, I know he did, and so I wanted to hurt him too, and-- oh, God, this is so stupid...
Apparently I don't love him. Aldous loves him, though.
...what am I going to do? What am I going to do?
I'm... going to drink some tea. Take my medicine. Read some--
...no. I can't. I can't.
He kissed me before he left. That I can't understand either. He kissed me, as if he weren't leaving, as if he did still love me; he kissed me so... perfectly on the cheek. And he lingered there, and I felt him there, so close, so--... so close that he took a hold of the part of my heart that he claimed for his own. And when he Disapparated, with his lips still on my cheek, he took that part of me with him. And now, just the empty space within me, the void there...
I am empty. I am void.
"The house is in your name," he said, as if it were the house I cared about, "I've already bought you your Christmas present so I'll owl it," as if it were Christmas presents I cared about, "and, oh, I still love you, and don't let anyone tell you differently."
I don't need anyone to tell me differently. I can see that it's differently.
I'm all alone now. Really alone.
But I'm recovering quite well. It's good to be out of bed; now I'm just confined to the window-seat.
Must get up to go to church. I wonder, can God teach a person how to love? Humility, yes. Forgiveness, yes. But love?