ambivolence
its way too late... i know that. sleeping 14 hours - over double what i would normally sleep has messed with my body clock... am just going with it.
its one thirty am. im looking at my living room and it seems really empty. the boxes have gone. in fact all traces of flatmate have gone from the living room and the bathroom, and most of the kitchen. the flat now feels really empty.
i know that this is right and that ultimately i need to be on my own for oh so many reasons, but it doesnt mean im not ambivolent about it...
im still going to miss flatmate.. i will regret the times ive treated him like crap even though he's made my life hell in some ways...
ill always worry that maybe he was right and that i have thrown the help he tried to offer back in his face... even if i dont see how ive done it.
having spent most of my day dozing on the sofa to films and trying to tweak pc a little actually had a relatively ok evenng with him around... then i made a throwaway comment about 'the saint' being a bit crap as a film version - which we had 'a conversation' about... which then degenerated into yet another conversation about how i dont want to make anything better and im really actually only happy torturing myself because if i wasnt i would stop being in denial and just enjoy life, or alternatively i would change things so they reflect what i want... but i have all of the answers already so its all up to me.... my admitting my lack of understanding and how to actually go about this is all also a part of my denial apparently... left me feeling pretty crappy..... but what if he is right... ? theres this whole opposite thing going on which i dont understand... how can i be telling myself im thinking one thing when actually im thinking another without knowing it?
i guess thats why im seeing a head doctor.....
its just a shame that it's come too late to salvage anything here. i know some people who know said flatmate would say that its no great loss, and that im better off without him anyhow... but that doesnt chang ethe fact that i do appreciate the effort he's made to try to help....
feel very small, lost and confused right now... so many questions and no answers i can see.
on the plus side though i have just about got my world of warcraft account sorted after it got hacked and merged to a battlenet account about a year ago. sorting out patches, but with any luck i might even get stuff back thats gone...
its one thirty am. im looking at my living room and it seems really empty. the boxes have gone. in fact all traces of flatmate have gone from the living room and the bathroom, and most of the kitchen. the flat now feels really empty.
i know that this is right and that ultimately i need to be on my own for oh so many reasons, but it doesnt mean im not ambivolent about it...
im still going to miss flatmate.. i will regret the times ive treated him like crap even though he's made my life hell in some ways...
ill always worry that maybe he was right and that i have thrown the help he tried to offer back in his face... even if i dont see how ive done it.
having spent most of my day dozing on the sofa to films and trying to tweak pc a little actually had a relatively ok evenng with him around... then i made a throwaway comment about 'the saint' being a bit crap as a film version - which we had 'a conversation' about... which then degenerated into yet another conversation about how i dont want to make anything better and im really actually only happy torturing myself because if i wasnt i would stop being in denial and just enjoy life, or alternatively i would change things so they reflect what i want... but i have all of the answers already so its all up to me.... my admitting my lack of understanding and how to actually go about this is all also a part of my denial apparently... left me feeling pretty crappy..... but what if he is right... ? theres this whole opposite thing going on which i dont understand... how can i be telling myself im thinking one thing when actually im thinking another without knowing it?
i guess thats why im seeing a head doctor.....
its just a shame that it's come too late to salvage anything here. i know some people who know said flatmate would say that its no great loss, and that im better off without him anyhow... but that doesnt chang ethe fact that i do appreciate the effort he's made to try to help....
feel very small, lost and confused right now... so many questions and no answers i can see.
on the plus side though i have just about got my world of warcraft account sorted after it got hacked and merged to a battlenet account about a year ago. sorting out patches, but with any luck i might even get stuff back thats gone...